I Just Can't Help It

28 July 2012

Some people find their worth in their jobs, others in the clothes they wear.
And still others in their physical appearance.

What I have come to realize is that I don't feel like I get my worth from any of that.
I came to realize last night while watching the guys play another game or two of Ultimate was that I find my worth and my value in what I can do.
I have spent years doing and now I have people, specifically guys, who tell me to just relax and let them get it.
I am not used to it at all and it drives me crazy to just stand there.
Whether that's when we're playing a game or sports, or moving something or packing up a trailer.
I just have this urge to get in and do.
So when people tell me not to do something or to just watch I have a hard time just watching or not doing anything.
I get all fidgety and bouncy while standing there.

I never stopped to think about why I do that.
I didn't used to be that way when I was much younger.
But ever since my mom's accident I feel like i've become someone who does that.
So it's something that has happened in the last 5yrs or so.
(Or at least it seems that way.)
I put so much of who I am into what I can do, physically speaking, and so moving things, caring things, or going all out while playing a sport or a game is just who I am.
I attach my worth to other people to what I can do.
I know this isn't a good thing, but it's just part of who I am.
When I just sit around and watch I feel like i'm not worth anything to the people around me.
I feel like I am letting them down and making things difficult for them.
And when it comes to sports I just feel like I look weak when I have to sit and watch.
I hate this feeling.
Yet it so strong and such a part of me.
I know I should get my worth and my value from Jesus and not from man, but for some reason I still have this need to have my worth and value in other people's eyes be based on what I am physically able to do to help them.
I also hate that I get so frustrated and upset when people won't let me help out or play a sport.
I get all frustrated with the situation and it can get the best of me.

I felt terrible last night at Hidden Cove when the guys decided to play another couple games but wouldn't let me play because my arm was acting up.
I just kind of sat there with what I'm sure was either a facial expression that showed that I was angry or really upset.
And I feel terrible that I was having such a fit about it.
It's not mature to act that way nor is it beneficial to me in any way.
Chad and the guys were just taking precautions and putting my safety above my want to play.
Which is appreciated, even though it bothered me, because I've never really had anyone care about whether or not I played with an injury. 
(Other than my mom of course.)
I'm truly grateful for the fact that they all care enough to make me sit out when they think i'm likely to get hurt if I keep playing.
I don't necessarily always do a good job of stopping myself when I should.
I'll keep going until i'm really injured or in a ridiculous amount of pain.
That's just how I am.
Not my best quality, but ya know.
So when the guys wouldn't let me play I was really frustrated with them at first, but after sitting there a short while I got to thinking and that's where this post came from.
They were just looking out for me and they didn't deserve my frustration for it.
They were just doing what they all thought was best for me and I have to admit that it probably was a good thing for me to sit out.
[Yes guys, I just agreed with you...again :) ]
(And that's a whole 'nother post topic all together...my stubbornness)

I just don't know how to get a balance of doing and not doing.
Especially since i've spent years equating my worth & value to what I can physically do.
I don't know what to do to make it balanced.
I feel stuck and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't like to stand still and watch, but at the same time I know there are times I should.
I just have a hard to figuring out which times I should help and which ones I shouldn't.
This is frustrating to me but i'm glad I've realized it.

Well now that i'm done ranting, I am going to try to keep myself entertained this morning.

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