Can You Turn My Black Roses Red?

27 January 2013


It's a four letter word.
A simple four letter word.
But it has a complex meaning.

What is love?
What makes me afraid of it?
Why does it scare me so much?

I have been asking myself these questions a lot in recent months, especially the past few days.
We had a couple come for chapel this past week and they talked about relationships.
(It was the Smalleys who spoke in chapel.)
On Wednesday I did not really pay attention because they were just telling the story of how they met.
However, for Thursdays chapel they split us up by guys and girls.
The husband talked to the guys at one location, while the wife talked to us girls in the chapel.
I ended up really paying attention on Thursday because it resonated with me.
She talked some more about how her and her husband met and I kind of tuned that part out.
I did start paying attention when she started talking about how we should look at relationships.
She mentioned that we need to pay attention to the guys in our lives who match up with the things we are looking for.
Sometimes we friend-zone the guys who match up with our 'list' of things we want in a guy.
Maybe we want someone who is caring, compassionate, and respectful.
Maybe we want someone who is outgoing, spontaneous, and humorous.
(All assuming he is a Christian.)
Maybe we want any number of things.
And maybe there is a guy in our lives who matches up with that list in a way that is almost perfect.
But we have been ignoring him because we think of him as just a friend or brother in Christ.
Sometimes we need to step back and take a good look at the guys in our lives.
These friends/brothers in Christ that we have friend-zoned may like us like crazy, but have not said anything.
Whether it is because we are dating someone at the time, think they are not good enough, or whatever reason, they do not say anything to us.
Yet if we step back and look at them we may just realize that God has put the perfect guy for us in our lives already.
God knows who the right guy is but sometimes we have a knack of just being friends or ignoring them completely.
Why on earth do we, as females, do this so often?
What she was saying hit me and just resonated with me because of some relationship things I am trying to figure out.
It really got me thinking and making some decisions.

But then some other things hit me as well.
These things are personal things and they do not really relate to her topic from chapel.
However, they are still extremely relevant for me.

I actually just talked with my RA a little while earlier this afternoon (like an hour ago or so) about it.
(*NOTE: This is all about a specific guy and some of you reading this know who it is.)
She asked me if there was a reason I had not said anything to him about what is going on with us.
Why had I not made some sort of initiation of contact?
I answered with the truth about how I am old fashioned and think that the guy should initiate as I see it as a part of him being the leader in the relationship.
We talked a little more on that and then she went a little deeper.
She said that she thinks that I am holding back.
She said that although I have this great guy in my life and we like each other, I am holding back on a personal level.
She then proceeded to ask me if there was something that was causing me to be holding back.
I really just had to stop and just say that I find it extremely hard to trust guys.
She asked why and I told her.
I told her that it is hard when you watch marriage relationships falling apart left and right, engagements broke off and serious dating relationships with years behind them fall to shambles.
I told her that it is hard when all of your bestfriends (all of whom were guys because I can relate to them easier) left after a short while, whether for a legit reason or they just fell off the face of the planet.
I also told her that it is hard when the one guy who is supposed to be there for you, encourage you, and most of all, love you, decides that he could not care less and does not take part in your life.
I told her that it is hard when almost every guy that has ever been in my life has left after a short while of knowing each other and getting close.
When guy after guy after guy just leaves you and did not even care enough to explain why, it is extremely hard to trust.
My RA then made the observation that I do not let myself step out personally and trust guys because they always end up leaving and they always end up hurting me.

I could not deny that she hit the nail on the head.
We talked some more about all of it and it got me thinking.
 The only reason I have not said anything to him is because I am scared to let him in.
Because although I have shared a lot with him, there is still a lot he does not know.
Because I am afraid that by opening myself up to the possibility of letting him love me I will be deeply hurt if it does not work out with him.
Because by letting him in in such a deep way means he will find out about these fears.

Ultimately I am afraid to open myself up to let him love me because I do not want to get hurt again.

It all comes down to the fact that I am deeply, deeply afraid of letting someone love me.
I am deeply afraid of opening myself up and trusting someone.

He is such a great guy and I feel like God put him in my life for a reason.
As crazy as it seems, from everything I know, he meets the 'list'.
I look forward to being able to see him and spend time with him.
He is the first person I want to share things with, whether good or bad.
He is the one that I feel I can be myself around the most.
He is the quiet but steady strength and encouragement that I need.
He is a man of God and a spiritual leader.
(^^^Such a huge thing!!!!)
He enjoys kids and he is good with them.
 He understands all of the medical stuff I deal with daily.
He understands the legal issues as well.

I could go on but I do not think that I need to.
Just sitting here typing this I am realizing something I had not yet realized.
I am suddenly feeling peace and reassurance about what to do.
It is still going to be a day to day struggle with all of this and the distance.
Yet I believe that if this is what God has planned then it will work out the right way at the right time.
It is all in His hands.


25 January 2013

So yesterday was my birthday.
The big 20.

Apparently I was supposed to be ridiculously excited and overjoyed about the day.
However, I just wasn't feeling it.
I was just feeling totally and completely down and out.
Had myself thinking about things, but due to some news I was just not there.
I did what I always do....I blocked everyone out by putting on a smile and saying everything was all good.
I made myself numb to everything and blocked out everything.
It was just easier that way.
It's easier that way today as well.
I know I should talk to someone, but I just don't know who to talk to.
I do not want to have to explain everything to someone.
Yet I do not know that I will be able to talk to one of the few people who knows the situation.
The one person I want to talk to is 4 1/2 hours away.
Who knows where the guys are, or rather the one who actually knows my life.
And my bestfriend is like 8 hours away.
I am feeling just stuck and lost.
I don't know how to get away from all of this and forget about it.
I'm just trying to hold up and keep myself from doing something stupid.
Praying that i'll make it through all this craziness.

Living Like Jesus | Day 2

16 January 2013

The daily reading was Luke 1:26-38.
Here is the link for an online version:

The SOAP reading was Luke 1:37-38.

37"For no word from God will ever fail." 38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me according to your word." Then the angel left her.

1. The angel points out Elizabeth's pregnancy as a sign that God follows through on what He says, even in what may seem to be the most unlikely of circumstances.
2. Based on the wording of the passage, it seems as though Mary responds to the angel in a calm manner despite the utter confusion she must have been in throughout this encounter.

This passage points out the fact that we need to trust God even when we do not know what is happening or how it is happening. Verse 37 says that God's word never fails and we have to put all of our trust in Him and believer that this is the truth. If we trust Him completely then we will be able to more willingly and more easily surrender to His plan for out lives. We do not know what is going to happen in our daily lives, but we do know that God has promised us so much in His word and He will never fall back on those promises. What He says will happen, will happen. We make look at the circumstances and have no earthly idea of what He could possibly do to chance the situation for the better, but if we put all of our trust and our faith in Him then even the things that seem like impossibilities will happen. 

There will be days when we just look at our lives and think "There's no way this can turn out good."
We will probably also have a moment (or longer) where we think that even God cannot fix the situation and make it work out well and for His purpose.
However, God can surprise us with just how different a situation turns out despite our original thoughts about it.
We just have to willingly submit to Him and His plan and purpose for our lives.
We need to be like Mary.
We need to trust Him and wholeheartedly follow the path/plan He has laid out for us.
This plan may seem completely unrealistic, and maybe from the world's perspective it is, but we have God on our side.
God's plan will always work out even in the face of adversity and hardship.
And I would have to say that just living in this world is part of the hardship.
Yet we know that we will not succumb to the hardship and adversity because God will walk with us the whole way.
God's plans will not fail.
God's word will not fail.

Your Hands by JJ Heller

15 January 2013

My College Writing professor shared this with us as part of our devotional on Monday and I really liked it!
I hope you do as well!!

Living Like Jesus | Day 1

Today's reading was Luke 1:1-25.
I am not going to type up that whole passage, but for those of you who may not have access to a Bible at this point in time I am putting a link to an online version of this passage below.

The SOAP reading was Luke 1:1-4.

1Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us, 2just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of the word. 3With this in mind, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning, I too decided to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus, 4so that you may know the certainty of the things you have been taught.
-Luke 1:1-4

1. In this passage we find out that in this letter/book, Luke is addressing Theophilus.
2. The book of Luke is an account of things that had been fulfilled in the lives of the people and this account is coming from Luke's perspective.

Application: I really do not know that there is much in the way of application for this particular passage seeing as this is just looking introducing and explaining the letter and the overall purpose of the book/letter. It could possibly hint that there will  be more applicable things further in. At this point however, I do not see much in the way of a personal application.

Living Like Jesus | Luke 1-8

For the next 8 weeks I will be doing a Bible Study with/through Good Morning Girls.
The study is over Luke 1-8.
There are daily readings, verses of the day, and memory verses for the week.
Part of this study includes doing the SOAP reading for the verse of the day.
This is what the acronym stands for:
S- write out the scripture passage for the day
O- write down 1 or 2 observations from/about the passage
A- write down 1 or 2 applications from the passage
P- pray over what you have learned from the day's passage

There are opportunities to join groups of other women to do the study in order to keep each other accountable.
However, I decided to do it on my own and to share with all of you what I come across while studying.
I may post everyday or I may post a couple times a week.
This will vary on my class schedules and homework.
There are just going to be days when I am not able to post.
I look forward to this study and what God will show me through it.
I am also looking forward to sharing what God shows me through the study with all of you.

I also will post the weekly reading plans so that any of you can do the readings along with me if you wish.
*NOTE: This week started yesterday. Due to homework I was unable to post sooner.

The End Is Only The Beginning

05 January 2013

Just to start off...
Someone needs to remind me why I make it a habit to take the train to and from school.
This place is absolutely crazy right now.
The fact that there are delays and extra people is making the layover not so enjoyable.
Oh well.

So a quick recap on break: 
I went to Hastings for a week and a half and then went to St. Louis for just over a week.
It seems like it would be rather uneventful but it was quite the opposite.
The time in Hastings was not supper eventful, but I did have fun with my kids.
Took them outside one day and we painted the snow with a mix of food coloring and water.
They thought it was the best thing ever and were all smiles. :)
I managed to avoid any and all contact with my 'father' the whole time that I was in Hastings (not that it is hard).
A couple days after Christmas we got on the road to head to St. Louis. 
Unfortunately we never made it farther than an hour away.
We ran into a problem with the car and ended up going back to Hastings to have it checked out.
So after waiting all afternoon hoping that we could get back on the road later int he day only to get a call from the mechanic with some not so great news about the engine on the van.
Turns out the engine was shot.
We were not going to go to St. Louis...or so it seemed.
We ended up finding a vehicle to borrow and were on our way the next afternoon.
A long day on the road and some craziness got us to my grandparents that night.
There were about 25 people or so at my grandparents for the New Years weekend and 9 dogs, including a new puppy.
It was straight craziness but it was pretty good to see everyone.
Everyone hit the road on New Years Day except my mom who left the next day.
I finally got a couple days to relax after everyone headed out.
I stayed in bed most the day Thursday and then just laid around doing nothing the rest of the day.
Friday provided a chance to hang out with a couple friends.

Friday I ended up going into the city for a couple hours with McKenzie.
We went to the Science Center and kind of just walked around and talked for a while.
We ended up just sitting in his car in the church parking lot by my grandparents house talking for about 2 1/2hrs.
I have to say that just sitting and talking was probably more entertaining than the Science Center.
Those chances to just talk about a variety of subjects, from serious to laugh out loud funny, are some of the best.
I definitely think they are the more memorable moments.

After a great day in the city with McKenzie I met up with Kimmy to go to a movie in Fairview.
We missed the first showing and ended up grabbing dinner and then catching the later showing. 
We talked for a little bit before she left after getting to my grandparents.
Ending on the note of how much i'm going to get razzed by the guys when I get to Bourbonnais.
I don't really care if they give me crap, at least it feels a little more justified as the days go on.

But anyways, there is a quick overview of break.
Hopefully I get a regular post up sometime before classes start on Tuesday.

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