Putting my trust in him & Him

29 October 2012

(Yes, I know I am writing this at 6am, but I can't seem to get it off my mind and there is no one around to talk to about it at this point of time. And hey, at least it wasn't written at 5am when I woke up.)

There are days when I just question this whole relationship thing.
This past week has been full of those days.
Today is most likely going to be one of those days.
It's not that I question whether it will happen one day or not.
Or if there is a guy out there who will actually want to be in a relationship with me.
Rather, I would like to know how long I need to wait for all of this.
How many times do I have to watch a guy come into my life who would make a great boyfriend and possibly an awesome spouse one day just to watch him walk out?
When will I not be the one friend in the group who isn't in a relationship?

Some of you are probably thinking i'm just being a typical girl here.
(And maybe I am, but I don't do this very often so it's okay.)
But I seriously wonder things like that.
For those of you who know me, and those who know the summer mission team, you probably are taking a guess that these questions pertain to a particular person.
I'll admit it, you're not entirely wrong.
Everyone basically just considers the two of us dating regardless of the fact that he hasn't initiated anything.
I'm pretty sure that he now knows my side of things (thanks to the guys) and i've known his for a while.
There is just one thing that has really prevented anything from happening.
The oh-so-lovely distance.
And although I wish his decision was different, I respect his decision to not initiate at this point because of that.
And there is the chance that things will change in the future, near or not so near.
I just wish that the whole waiting thing wasn't so hard.

It's not easy to wait for him when there are constant reminders of what could be.
I have an engaged roommate, the two other girls in our group are both in long distance relationships, my two good guy friends (or as some know them 'brothers') are in relationships (one long distance, one not), and numerous other friends and people I know who are in relationships, some of which are now getting engaged.
Then you add in the daily reminders of him that come from the guys, my roommate, my friends, church family, and others.
I get that you all just give me crap about this whole thing because you care about me and everything.
You do it because you love me and you're just teasing.
And i'm good at just putting on the smile and maybe even laughing a bit.
There are times however when I just wish you knew what the constant teasing does.
Not only does it constantly bring him back to the front of my mind, most often right after I've finally gotten focused on something else entirely.
But it does kind of hurt a little having this whole thing be like a running joke for everyone.
And I just kind of have to sit here and take it.
It's not easy having to wait, especially when you know you both want it to happen.
It just isn't any easier with all of this.
People say to not think about the whole relationship thing (matter of fact they just did on a status of mine last night), but I really cannot get away from it.
The whole relationship thing is in my face 24/7.
I mean I'm pretty sure if I could remember my dreams it would probably be there too. No joke.
I don't think it would be such a big deal if he was here too, but i'm dealing with all of this by myself.
There's no one here to talk about it with or go through it with.
Luckily for him he is 4 1/2hrs away and does not get the daily bombardment.
Most days I just wish the distance wasn't so great.
Some days I think we're okay with where we're at right now.
Everyday I wish I could just turn off the constant flow of relationship talk and the teasing.
Yet at the same time...
Everyday I'm trusting that God is working all of this out in His timing.
I may spend a lot of days frustrated and confused with all of this, but He knows what is going on.
Maybe all of this is just part of what I have to go through in order to truly be ready for what is coming.
For all I know today could be the day this all changes (although it is highly unlikely).
Or maybe that day won't happen until Christmas Break.
Who knows?

All I know is that even through the trials I go through on a day to day basis, God is working on my behalf.
He knows what is going to happen between the two of us, even when we don't.
I'm jut trying to learn to trust God in this whole thing.
And i'm also learning that respecting his decision not to initiate at this time means that I also need to trust his decision making, even when it may not be the easiest thing for me to do.
He is doing what he feels is best and I have a feeling that he has prayed about it.
If he felt it were the right thing to do he would have initiated already.
This whole thing needs to start off on the right foot, which is for both of us to trust God in His timing.
It's not easy with everything being thrown at us, or at least at me since I don't know what he is going through, but if it is meant to be then it will work out regardless of it all.
So while I may get frustrated with everything, I am learning through it all to trust the guy who is 4 1/2hrs away and the Man Upstairs. 
It takes a lot for me to do that, but I feel like it will be worth it one day.

Hanging On By A Thread

11 October 2012

There are just days when it seems like everything is going to fall apart any minute.
Unfortunately I have had this feeling for a few weeks.
I just feel crazy overwhelmed and overworked with everything that I have had on my plate.
Between 19 credit hours at school, 20 hours a week at work, a good 6-9 hours a week with church stuff, numerous hours doing homework, maybe 40 hours of sleep a week, friends who need me to be there for them in various forms, family things, financial issues, and a seemingly never ending list, it is pure craziness.
I have been trying to work it out and keep myself afloat with classes while working 4 nights a week.
However, while I was gone for fall break I got a chance to really look over things and think through things.
I realized how many things I haven't done because I haven't had time with work.
I also realized how much I am behind on as well.
I'm just getting overwhelmed.
I think that I need to give up the job I have now and find a few jobs along the lines of babysitting that won't take up so much time and will allow me to be flexible and keep up with my classes.
I just feel like i'll be letting people down by saying that I can't handle this job.
I hate the thought of letting people down.
I just don't think that I can do it anymore without completely losing it.
And it drives me nuts that i'm even thinking of this, but at the same time I feel like it's the right thing to do.
Especially since with my major changing I will have a bunch of extra things to do for class requirements that will take up my time and limit my available work time to little to none.
I feel like it is the best thing at the time...I just hate the idea that i'm letting people down.

I just can't do this overwhelming stress that I have been under for two months now.
It's dragging me down and I can't do it anymore.
I'm going to have a break down one of these days because I can't handle it.
That or I risk not being able to make my way through my classes and pass them.

Now I just have to muscle up the courage to talk to them tomorrow about it...

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