Que Sera, Sera

22 December 2012

If you know any college kid, or just a school aged kid in general, then you know what the next couple of weeks are.
It is the much awaited Christmas Break.
For some of us college kids this is the end of the first week of break and for others it is only the beginning of break.
For me this is the end of the first week of Christmas Break.
I boarded the train last Saturday and arrived home at about 2am Sunday morning.
So I have been home just short of a week.
However, this has been the longest week.
I feel like I should be heading back to school next week, yet I have like two more weeks to go.
I just am not all that thrilled to be home and wish I could have stayed in Illinois.
I know my mom and sisters wanted me here, but other than that I have nothing here.
My home is in Illinois now and I want to be there so badly.
I hate that I feel so discontent being here, but at the same time I cannot pretend that I want to be here when in reality it is the last place that I want to be at this point in time.
My life is in Illinois despite the fact that I grew up here in Nebraska.
According to most people I should be excited to come back home and see friends and have fun with them, go to my home church and visit with everyone, go around town and see everyone I know, and in general just make my presence known to everyone in this small town in south central Nebraska.
Little do they know that that is not at all what I had planned.
I do not have friends in town to see and hang out with, go out to eat, crash at someone's house and watch movies and stay up late catching up with everything that has happened over the semester.
I have not had much in the way of friends in this town in years.
I do not even want to talk about church.
I dread the idea of even walking in the door and having to see everyone faking the smiles and the overly sweet sentiments from people who could not care less that I was back.
These people make a spectacle of saying hello and asking how things are going at school, but I can see right through their facade.
They never make an effort to talk to me otherwise.
They do not send me messages on Facebook, shoot me a text, call me up, or send me any letters.
They just throw on the smiles and the overly sweet words just because they have to keep up their image.
I mean nothing to the people in the church I spent 13 years of my life as a member of.
I knew they were not really huge fans of mine when I was there but I am not even a blip on their radar now.
I think it is better that way for me in the long run.
And in regards to the general public, I do not have much connections with people here. 
The only people who care that I am back are my babysitting families.
My kids have been waiting for me to get back for weeks and they are excited to see me.
If it were not for my kids I would not have anything happy to look forward to whatsoever.

I guess it is these times when I have come home that have really made it clear that going out of state for school was the best thing that I could have done for myself.
I would not have been happy had I stayed.
I am sure God would have worked things out, but it would not have been the same.
Coming here is hard for me to do anymore.
The anxiety that I was dealing with the night before, even the week before, leaving was ridiculous.
Coming here is such a strain on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
It is not at all that I do not like the town and the area, but rather that I do not like the people here.
All of their drama and all of the craziness that comes along with them.
I am about ready to just clear out my Facebook and leave only a couple of really close family friends on their from the area.
I do not have a reason to keep connected with all these people.
They could not care less about what happens to me and really I am done dealing with the drama.

I have also realized since being home that I really need to tell my mom that I switched my major. 
I just do not know how she is going to take it.
I know I need to before I leave for St. Louis next week because my grandparents know and will probably say something.
I just feel like she has been pulling a guilt trip on me and she does not even know it.
She is constantly talking about Graduate school and internships and jobs.
All of these things that she has gotten herself attached to.
I feel like if I tell her she is going to freak out and then I am going to feel like I let her down.
I just do not feel like following that major was a good fit for me.
I did not like the classes related to it and therefore was not doing well.
But I did take a class related to my new major and I really enjoyed it.
(Which is surprising because it was all about the History and Philosophy of Education. Sounds like lots of fun, I know.)
I am really excited for my classes regarding my major that I am taking this coming semester.
Applied Arts for Teachers, Educational & Developmental Psychology, First Aid & Emergency Care, etc.
There is even a piano class in there!!!
I am so looking forward to this semester, but my mom does not know that I am taking them.
I just know she is going to pull the whole "Do you know how much I've put into this? Too much for you to be changing your major now!! What do you think this is? We can't afford you switching now! And what the heck even brought this idea into your think skull? I can't believe you would do this!! Everything was planned out and I'm working my butt off to get you through school and you go and do this?" ...etc., etc., etc. 
The whole thing will turn into a yelling match and will revolve around her and what she has done for my schooling.
It will have nothing to do with what I feel like I should do and what I feel God is leading me to.
None of that will matter at all when I tell her.
It's so stinking frustrating.
I just do not know what to do. :( 

But like Sly and The Family Stone say...

Que Sera, Sera....Whatever Will Be, Will Be

Fishing Requires Patience...And A Lot Of It

08 December 2012

Growing up there are certain things that parents are almost expected to do.
One of those things for fathers is to take their kids fishing.
To a lot of fathers this may seem like a daunting task for them to handle.
However, it brings much joy and many memories to both the father and the kids.
Most of the first times going will include teaching the kids how to bait their hook (depending on the kids age), how to cast their line, what to wait for while their hook is in the water (maybe watching a bobber), and how to reel in their line when
they have caught the much sought after fish.
The father spends time teaching the kid(s) how to handle their fishing pole in order to cast their line the farthest distance.
Once they know how to properly hold and handle their fishing pole, the father then spends time helping them practice casting their line out.
Now if there is more than one kid, casting out their lines becomes a competition.
They want to see who can cast their lines the farthest out into the body of water.
This will be fun for a while but sooner or later they will once again focus on what they are there to do.
They will cast their line(s) out and be excited to catch a fish.
However, being kids their patience is pretty much zero, so they reel in shortly there after.
Disappointed that they didn't catch a fish they cast their line again.
Again they reel it in not long after they cast out.
They continue doing this and are repeatedly discouraged and dismayed as they are not catching any fish.
This cycle repeats throughout the fishing trips while the child is young.
The goal is that as they get older they will eventually learn the patience that is necessary to fish and they will cast their lines out and then wait as long as it takes, or as long as is possible, to catch a fish.
Once they learn that patience the fishing trips have a whole new meaning and a whole new goal.
The kid(s) looks forward to the fishing trips and all of the fish that they will catch.
This is also a great bonding time for father and son/daughter.
The development of patience in the kid makes the fishing trips much more enjoyable and much less stressful for both parent and kid.

This common experience can easily be related to our relationships with God.
Once we give out lives to Him we are His children.
We are at the beginning of (hopefully) a life long relationship with our Heavenly Father.
At the beginning we are just so full of joy because of our relationship with God.
We give Him everything, or so we seem to.
We give Him all these things and we say that we trust Him to help us.
Yet the minute we lose patience with His timing we give up completely and we decide to assume control again.
When that does not work and we realize we need God to help us out with whatever it is, we give it to Him once again.
This is going well at first and we are hopeful, but things do not go as quickly as we want them to nor do they happen exactly how we want them to, so we once again take the reigns.
We do this over and over in our relationship with God.
We give Him the things in our life that we want Him to change or to have control over (and hopefully this is our whole lives) and we feel so happy and hopeful after we initially do so.
But then life happens.
We see things happening for everyone else and we start to wonder why things are not happening for us.
We question whether or not God is really working.
This eventually leads to us thinking that we know best and we take over and do things our way.
Over time we realize how wrong this is and we surrender things to God and ask Him to help us trust Him and have patience as we wait for His plan to unfold. 
As our relationship with God gets longer and gets stronger He does work in us and we gradually learn to be more patient about waiting for His plan to unfold in our lives.
This eventually leads to us having complete and total trust in God and His plan.
We learn that trusting Him and having patience eventually leads to the greatest rewards.
He rewards us for our trust and patience while we are still on this earth, but He has a reward that far outweighs them.
The ultimate reward for our trust and patience is getting to spend eternity with our Heavenly Father.

The more we trust Him and develop our patience the more joyful our relationship with God will be.
We will have rough times where we are discouraged and dismayed, but with trust and patience He will be with us through those times and He will bring us through them.
The more we cast our lives and our cares on Him and trust Him to handle them rather than reeling them back to ourselves the better our lives will be and the greater joy we will find in our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

"Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let
the righteous be shaken."
-Psalms 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Remember to cast your cares, your anxieties, and overall, your life onto God and He will take care of you!!

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