When I think back over my life and relive all kinds of memories, the very best memories and moments all seem to have taken place around one central point, whether in part or in whole. This central point just so happens to be the table. It wasn't always your typical table. Sometimes the table was a makeshift one in the middle of the living room floor or a park, sometimes the table was a fancy dining room table. Sometimes it was our own laps and other times it was porch railings. The form that the table took was never inherently important. What truly mattered was who was around the table. 
In some instances the people around the table were close family and friends, people I had known most of my life if not my whole life. There were times that they were friends I had known only a short time, acquaintances I knew merely by name, and sometimes they were people I met when they sat down. The variety of people is incredible to me. So many faces, personalities and stories have been gathered around these tables throughout my life. I have spent many, many hours around tables sharing funny stories and laughing with some of my closest friends and family. I have spent just as many hours around tables just sharing about life and learning the basics about people's lives. I have also spent a significant amount of time around tables sharing sorrows and pains and crying with people. The number of people has been different every time, but the honesty and truthfulness has been there regardless. Sometimes there are 30-40 of us taking up two long tables that we put into an L-shape where we are rubbing elbows the entire time while laughing constantly. Other times it is a one-on-one coffee date where we are talking about the hard parts of life.
No matter what form the table or the company takes, there is a huge significance to that simple item at the heart of it. The table. When we gather around the table there is almost always food and drink. We come for sustenance and nourishment. We come for great food and wonderful drinks. Most importantly, we come to the table to share our company. We gather around the table with people. The funny part about gathering around the table, with or without food, is that there is something inherently intimate about it. There is a connection that comes with gathering around such a simple item that cannot be imitated. As we gather together it is like our walls drop and suddenly we are vulnerable. I don't know exactly why that happens and I have a feeling it is different for everyone. 
During this last school year my seven roommates and I gathered at 9:30pm on Thursday nights to have a Bible study. We never did get started on time because we came in and would share how our days had went as we found a place to sit. Often times we brought our mugs either already filled or ready to be filled with coffee, tea or hot chocolate, blankets, and food of some sort. Sometimes we made cookies, brownies or cupcakes, other times it was chocolate of some sort, holiday candy, or chips/pretzels. We weren't too picky. The coffee table become a small buffet and we gathered around with Bibles and blankets. The mood was different every week as we all came in with our own burdens and joys. One week we were cracking up at everything and unable to stay serious for more than a couple minutes, and the next we were quiet and contemplative with our comments few. Many nights when we got to prayer requests someone would share a challenge or difficulty in their life and many times there were tears that accompanied it. In the openness and sincerity of the moments in the apartment our struggles both in our walk with God and our daily lives were shared with everyone. We shared the joy and the pain. We were there to celebrate with one another and to grieve with one another. On those nights we gathered around the table to share not only God's word, but our lives with each other. 
Gathering around the table with people is such a wonderful blessing. There are incredible moments and memories that come from the times when we grab a seat around the table and share with those we love. As I get ready to head into another year of school and living in a new apartment with three lovely ladies that I have never lived with before, I am really thinking about and processing the importance of life around the table. Bonds are formed and memories created. I really want to strive to be intentional about the time I spend around the table with others this year. I want to focus on building and strengthening relationships, as well as being open and honest with the people i'm around. There is a whole lot of hospitality that goes along with this, as you open your door and your life for others to come into. Shauna Niequist says the following in her book Bread & Wine: A Love Letter To Life Around The Table, "The heart of hospitality is about creating space for someone to feel seen and heard and loved. It's about declaring your table a safe zone, a place of warmth and nourishment.” I want our apartment and our table to be a place like this. Somewhere for people to come and relax, to share life with us, and to feel welcome at any time. 
What does the table mean to you? How have you been affected by what happens when we gather around the table? Do you see the importance of the table in your everyday life?

One More 'Frivolous' Purchase...

Hey y'all! These last few weeks have been straight up craziness. We're doing a ton of different things because there are some big events coming up soon and we have to be completely ready for all of them before we leave for camp tomorrow. Oh yeah, we've been prepping for the camp that we run during the summer. It's only a week long but things are different and get crazy when you're the ones planning every detail. Anyways, I just wanted to post a quick update. I will have other posts ready and being posted throughout the week while I am away from internet.

To start with, is anyone else still amazed that it is already over halfway through July!? Where has the summer gone? I'm pretty sure it just started a month ago. Seriously though, it's been a great summer and I am so excited about what the next month has in store. I just got my new frames last week. Finally! I had been waiting for them to come in because about three weeks ago they got broken when I picked up one of the kids from church. So I had been walking around for about three weeks with duct tape holding them together. Real classy, right? But it worked. Now I have new frames and the best part is that they were free because they were still under warranty.

So nice not having duct tape on my glasses

I also recently made one big 'frivolous' purchase before making some big adult purchases. I've been wanting to learn acoustic guitar for a while but always ran into the issue of not having a guitar readily available to practice on. Well, I fixed that situation a couple weeks ago during a sale at a local music store. The sale at King Music was great and the guys took care of me. I bought myself a Fender CD 60 Acoustic with a hard case for just over $200. A great deal all around in my book. I've been working on some chords but will really hit some good practicing after getting back from camp and things slow down.

My new baby

 I love spur of the moment decisions on one hand but on another I still wonder if I made the right decision. I guess I will find out after doing some more practicing and seeing if I am really any good! Anyways, that's about all I have for now. While I have some down time I am going to get things ready for next week. I hope you all have a great week!

God Bless!

This Weekend

This was our first weekend with everyone here and it ended up kind of being a chill weekend at the beginning and a little but of a busy weekend by the end. We didn't have any real plans on Friday night or Saturday morning so we just hung out at the house. Saturday afternoon we found out we were leading kids small groups and worship tonight and then we had a softball game. 

Our first softball game of the season was a bit rough since no one had played in almost a year, but this time we held our own. We were up one at the bottom of the seventh and they scored two runs. I think that after a rough first game only losing by one run was pretty good. It was a fun game and a good time with some awesome people!

We then grabbed a bite for dinner and headed to our pastor's house to go over songs and motions for Journey Kids worship tonight with his wife and daughter. We had actions for two songs and came up with motions for the third right then. It made for a fairly late night with our normal 6am Sunday, but it was fun and we were able to get it done.

 

Today we had church in the morning, then all four of us interns spent the afternoon at the office prepping for Journey Kids tonight. We're doing a temporary new thing with our kids program for the month of June. Instead of doing their lesson and small groups in the morning, we are having them go into the service in the morning and then having their normal Sunday morning activities in the evening. If we keep getting a turn out like tonight (and hopefully larger next week!) then it might be beneficial to keep it going on Sunday nights. We had twelve kids with about half of them being new or kids who hadn't been there in a long time. It was a really active night and the kids really seemed to enjoy it! Most, if not all, are planning to come back next week and are planning on bringing more friends. It would be so awesome if God is able to use this time on Sunday evenings for us to impact kids in a better and more effective way! I'm excited to see what happens!

Now we're all just sitting around the house in our own areas doing our own things in hopes of a little recoup before some heavy work tomorrow. It was a good first week of the summer with all of us interns here and I look forward to a great week leading up to our first summer activity!

So there's a little recap of the weekend!

Have a great night and a great start to your week tomorrow!

God Bless!

Passion Can Lead To Purpose

     Have you ever found yourself in a position where you are so tired and worn out with what you are currently doing that you wonder if it is really what you want to do? Has this made you question what you purpose is in life? Or maybe you are okay with what you are doing but still find yourself questioning what your purpose is. Sometimes we can start out doing something that we enjoy, at least at the time, and we our happy, but as time goes on we realize that it is not what we really want to do. Whether it be work, a long-term volunteer position, school (or a particular major), or any number of things, it can start draining us mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually. As it wears us out more and more we find it affecting our relationships with family and friends, our hobbies and activities, even our faith. We lack peace and joy in every aspect of our lives. Sure there may be moments when we feel those things, but overall we do not.

     There are all kinds of excuses for why we stay in positions where we feel no enjoyment and that drain us. Maybe we feel like we have to stay in the position we are in because of the security it provides. Maybe we feel like we will be letting people down if we do something else. Maybe we feel like we just are not good enough at anything else to do something else. Whatever the case may be, this is not how we should go about our lives.

     If this was the world that God initially intended it to be then we would all be able to spend our days doing the things that we enjoy doing, that we are passionate about. However, we do not live in that world but rather in this fallen world. It is not always easy for us to spend our live doing exactly that which we enjoy the most. What we can do however, is adjust our lives to fit the strengths that God has given us in a better way. This may not mean that we are able to do the exact thing that we most enjoy, but we can do something that is close to that or involves many aspects of it. By redirecting the things that we are doing to more closely fit the strengths that God gave us, we will be able to rediscover the joy and the happiness that God intends for us to have about life.

     For some of use we may not know what our strengths or gifts are, but it can be easy figure that out. You may feel like you are looking everywhere to figure out what your strengths are and it may seem like you have none or if you have any they are hidden. But here is a thought... Have you ever wondered if maybe you are looking in the wrong places or focusing on the wrong things? If you cannot figure out what to focus on, it can seem like strengths are nonexistent. Or maybe you feel like you have several strengths or gifts and you are having a difficulty figuring out which ones you should focus on. Figuring out what your strengths are can be as simple as answering some questions such as:

-What were your favorite subjects in school?

-What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

-What do you feel most comfortable and confident doing?

-What things seem to come natural to you?

     The list could go on, but it is questions like these that can help you figure what your strengths are. Once you figure that out you will more easily be able to find a way to make that a part of your life and work. Maybe that means a total career change or maybe it just means looking for a different position. If you are in school it might mean that you change your major or add a minor. There are all kinds of ways to redirect the things you do to fit your strengths. The joy and fulfillment you will find upon doing this will make life much more enjoyable. I really like the following quote about our strengths and passions...

What you are passionate about was

created in you to make a splash in this life

that no one else can make. 

-Nicole Johnson

     God only created one of each of us and he has given each of us different strengths and gifts. What we do with them is our choice and we can make an impact in our lives and on the world that no one else can. Whatever your strengths or gifts are, you can "make a splash". 

     So, what are some things they are holding you back from doing something that you truly enjoy? Or are you doing something that you enjoy and hope to continue doing? How can you make an impact using the strengths and gifts that God has given you? What are some ways that you are already making an impact with your strengths?

Que Sera, Sera

If you know any college kid, or just a school aged kid in general, then you know what the next couple of weeks are.

It is the much awaited Christmas Break.

For some of us college kids this is the end of the first week of break and for others it is only the beginning of break.

For me this is the end of the first week of Christmas Break.

I boarded the train last Saturday and arrived home at about 2am Sunday morning.

So I have been home just short of a week.

However, this has been the longest week.

I feel like I should be heading back to school next week, yet I have like two more weeks to go.

I just am not all that thrilled to be home and wish I could have stayed in Illinois.

I know my mom and sisters wanted me here, but other than that I have nothing here.

My home is in Illinois now and I want to be there so badly.

I hate that I feel so discontent being here, but at the same time I cannot pretend that I want to be here when in reality it is the last place that I want to be at this point in time.

My life is in Illinois despite the fact that I grew up here in Nebraska.

According to most people I should be excited to come back home and see friends and have fun with them, go to my home church and visit with everyone, go around town and see everyone I know, and in general just make my presence known to everyone in this small town in south central Nebraska.

Little do they know that that is not at all what I had planned.

I do not have friends in town to see and hang out with, go out to eat, crash at someone's house and watch movies and stay up late catching up with everything that has happened over the semester.

I have not had much in the way of friends in this town in years.

I do not even want to talk about church.

I dread the idea of even walking in the door and having to see everyone faking the smiles and the overly sweet sentiments from people who could not care less that I was back.

These people make a spectacle of saying hello and asking how things are going at school, but I can see right through their facade.

They never make an effort to talk to me otherwise.

They do not send me messages on Facebook, shoot me a text, call me up, or send me any letters.

They just throw on the smiles and the overly sweet words just because they have to keep up their image.

I mean nothing to the people in the church I spent 13 years of my life as a member of.

I knew they were not really huge fans of mine when I was there but I am not even a blip on their radar now.

I think it is better that way for me in the long run.

And in regards to the general public, I do not have much connections with people here. 

The only people who care that I am back are my babysitting families.

My kids have been waiting for me to get back for weeks and they are excited to see me.

If it were not for my kids I would not have anything happy to look forward to whatsoever.

I guess it is these times when I have come home that have really made it clear that going out of state for school was the best thing that I could have done for myself.

I would not have been happy had I stayed.

I am sure God would have worked things out, but it would not have been the same.

Coming here is hard for me to do anymore.

The anxiety that I was dealing with the night before, even the week before, leaving was ridiculous.

Coming here is such a strain on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It is not at all that I do not like the town and the area, but rather that I do not like the people here.

All of their drama and all of the craziness that comes along with them.

I am about ready to just clear out my Facebook and leave only a couple of really close family friends on their from the area.

I do not have a reason to keep connected with all these people.

They could not care less about what happens to me and really I am done dealing with the drama.

I have also realized since being home that I really need to tell my mom that I switched my major. 

I just do not know how she is going to take it.

I know I need to before I leave for St. Louis next week because my grandparents know and will probably say something.

I just feel like she has been pulling a guilt trip on me and she does not even know it.

She is constantly talking about Graduate school and internships and jobs.

All of these things that she has gotten herself attached to.

I feel like if I tell her she is going to freak out and then I am going to feel like I let her down.

I just do not feel like following that major was a good fit for me.

I did not like the classes related to it and therefore was not doing well.

But I did take a class related to my new major and I really enjoyed it.

(Which is surprising because it was all about the History and Philosophy of Education. Sounds like lots of fun, I know.)

I am really excited for my classes regarding my major that I am taking this coming semester.

Applied Arts for Teachers, Educational & Developmental Psychology, First Aid & Emergency Care, etc.

There is even a piano class in there!!!
I am so looking forward to this semester, but my mom does not know that I am taking them.

I just know she is going to pull the whole "Do you know how much I've put into this? Too much for you to be changing your major now!! What do you think this is? We can't afford you switching now! And what the heck even brought this idea into your think skull? I can't believe you would do this!! Everything was planned out and I'm working my butt off to get you through school and you go and do this?" ...etc., etc., etc. 

The whole thing will turn into a yelling match and will revolve around her and what she has done for my schooling.

It will have nothing to do with what I feel like I should do and what I feel God is leading me to.

None of that will matter at all when I tell her.

It's so stinking frustrating.

ARGH.

I just do not know what to do. :( 

But like Sly and The Family Stone say...

Que Sera, Sera....Whatever Will Be, Will Be

Fishing Requires Patience...And A Lot Of It

Growing up there are certain things that parents are almost expected to do.

One of those things for fathers is to take their kids fishing.

To a lot of fathers this may seem like a daunting task for them to handle.

However, it brings much joy and many memories to both the father and the kids.

Most of the first times going will include teaching the kids how to bait their hook (depending on the kids age), how to cast their line, what to wait for while their hook is in the water (maybe watching a bobber), and how to reel in their line when

they have caught the much sought after fish.

The father spends time teaching the kid(s) how to handle their fishing pole in order to cast their line the farthest distance.

Once they know how to properly hold and handle their fishing pole, the father then spends time helping them practice casting their line out.

Now if there is more than one kid, casting out their lines becomes a competition.

They want to see who can cast their lines the farthest out into the body of water.

This will be fun for a while but sooner or later they will once again focus on what they are there to do.

They will cast their line(s) out and be excited to catch a fish.

However, being kids their patience is pretty much zero, so they reel in shortly there after.

Disappointed that they didn't catch a fish they cast their line again.

Again they reel it in not long after they cast out.

They continue doing this and are repeatedly discouraged and dismayed as they are not catching any fish.

This cycle repeats throughout the fishing trips while the child is young.

The goal is that as they get older they will eventually learn the patience that is necessary to fish and they will cast their lines out and then wait as long as it takes, or as long as is possible, to catch a fish.

Once they learn that patience the fishing trips have a whole new meaning and a whole new goal.

The kid(s) looks forward to the fishing trips and all of the fish that they will catch.

This is also a great bonding time for father and son/daughter.

The development of patience in the kid makes the fishing trips much more enjoyable and much less stressful for both parent and kid.

This common experience can easily be related to our relationships with God.

Once we give out lives to Him we are His children.

We are at the beginning of (hopefully) a life long relationship with our Heavenly Father.

At the beginning we are just so full of joy because of our relationship with God.

We give Him everything, or so we seem to.

We give Him all these things and we say that we trust Him to help us.

Yet the minute we lose patience with His timing we give up completely and we decide to assume control again.

When that does not work and we realize we need God to help us out with whatever it is, we give it to Him once again.

This is going well at first and we are hopeful, but things do not go as quickly as we want them to nor do they happen exactly how we want them to, so we once again take the reigns.

We do this over and over in our relationship with God.

We give Him the things in our life that we want Him to change or to have control over (and hopefully this is our whole lives) and we feel so happy and hopeful after we initially do so.

But then life happens.

We see things happening for everyone else and we start to wonder why things are not happening for us.

We question whether or not God is really working.

This eventually leads to us thinking that we know best and we take over and do things our way.

Over time we realize how wrong this is and we surrender things to God and ask Him to help us trust Him and have patience as we wait for His plan to unfold. 

As our relationship with God gets longer and gets stronger He does work in us and we gradually learn to be more patient about waiting for His plan to unfold in our lives.

This eventually leads to us having complete and total trust in God and His plan.

We learn that trusting Him and having patience eventually leads to the greatest rewards.

He rewards us for our trust and patience while we are still on this earth, but He has a reward that far outweighs them.

The ultimate reward for our trust and patience is getting to spend eternity with our Heavenly Father.

The more we trust Him and develop our patience the more joyful our relationship with God will be.

We will have rough times where we are discouraged and dismayed, but with trust and patience He will be with us through those times and He will bring us through them.

The more we cast our lives and our cares on Him and trust Him to handle them rather than reeling them back to ourselves the better our lives will be and the greater joy we will find in our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and he will sustain you;

he will never let

the righteous be shaken."

-Psalms 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Remember to cast your cares, your anxieties, and overall, your life onto God and He will take care of you!!

I Will Go LORD, Send Me

For years I have sat through church service after church service about missions.

I've listened to missionaries who were serving in all kinds of different world areas.

I've spent years wishing I could go to where they were and do what they were doing.

However, I always felt like I was getting a negative response from people about doing that.

It felt like people were trying to push me away from it.

So I haven't shared my thoughts about going overseas with very many people.

I would love to live overseas and to do mission work, especially with kids.

Or even doing something where I could work with my hands and help out.

I just want to be able to go do something.

Yet I feel like people will not understand when I tell them.

The last several months it seems as thought the topic of missions work has been a pretty steady and common part of my life.

I do not know why it just so happened to be at this time, but it did.

So for months I have been contemplating this idea.

I have looked at the websites of many a missions agencies lately.

The opportunities are numerous.

And I have found a few as of late that have a high focus on kids.

One is next summer in Jordan and I really, really want to go on that one.

The other is one that I want to do but don't plan on any time soon since it is a long term commitment.

There is just one thing that I am trying to figure out.

My major.

Currently I am studying Sociology and Criminal Justice.

Neither of those are exactly prime majors for doing missions work.

The thing is, I do not know what major to even consider for it.

And how do I go about getting my mom to agree with it.

And changing it now would be kind of crazy since I've already signed up for classes.

I just feel like I am totally and completely lost when it comes to this.

I've been asking God to show me what it is that He wants me to do, but I just really want to know what to do with all of this stuff going through my mind.

I have spent some time reading my Bible and I came across a verse that fit me.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,

"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

And I said, "Here I am, Send me!"

-Isaiah 6:8

I just want to go where He wants me to go and I want to do what He wants me to do.

I just feel like i'm at a crossroad right now and I don't know what to do.

I am trusting that He will send me where He wants me.

I am praying that I'll be able to discern what it is He wants me to do.

It is all in His hands and I am anxious to find out what it all is.

(As soon as I typed 'anxious', Philippians 4:6 came to my mind. Irony.)

I have also been listening to (and signing) Starfield's song "I Will Go" a lot lately.

He needs people to go and I am willing.

I just wish I knew in what capacity He wants me to go in.

But like I said before, I am surrendering it all to Him and trusting in His plan.

It will all work out in accordance with His will and His timing.

God Only Knows

You hear all about relationships these days.

Boyfriends & girlfriends, people who live together, friends with benefits, and on and on.

Some of these relationships, particularly boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, are encouraged at young ages these days.

Kids in elementary school think it is normal to have those relationships at those young ages.

I am not sure when this became acceptable for kids, let alone when adults started encouraging it.

I do know however that it is something that has been asked of me more times than I will ever be able to count in my lifetime.

The question of whether or not I had a boyfriend was asked off me throughout middle school and high school by family members and people from church.

The answer was always no however, since I never did date anyone.

Even if I had wanted to in middle school or the first two years of high school I couldn't have.

Why couldn't I have dated someone at that point?

Because my mom was strict about the rule of no dating before I was 16.

Not that it mattered much seeing as I didn't date anyone my last two years of high school either.

I got a lot of flack for it, but there wasn't any time for a boyfriend and there wasn't anyone in town that I would have even considered.

It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to have a boyfriend, but rather that I was preoccupied with family issues and there were not many Christian guys in my town.

Although I managed to get through high school without people worrying about it, that didn't seem to last long after I left for college last August.

You wouldn't believe the number of people who asked if I was dating someone once I got to college.

Literally within the first two weeks my mom was already getting asked about it.

And the fact that I wasn't dating someone and still am not just about blows people's minds.

I have a group of friends that I hand out with and in that group there are only two couples.

My mom gets weird looks and questions from people about whether she is ok with that situation, and if so, why she finds it ok.

This just does not make much sense to me.

All people are worried about is whether or not I am dating someone.

Why doesn't someone ask about how things with school or church are going??

All this focus on dating makes it really hard to be ok with the fact that you're not dating anyone.

Even more so when it seems like everyone else is.

Why so much pressure for me to date someone?

I feel content to wait for God to bring the right man into my life, but it seems as though no one else is content to wait for that to happen.

God's timing is always perfect and I have no doubt it will be in this situation as well.

It is just hard to trust Him when everyone is constantly pushing.

They encourage trusting God, yet at the same time want to push me to date someone just because.

I feel like it is fairly contradicting.

Yes, I think it would be nice to date someone and have someone to share life with.

However, I do not think that I would make the correct choice in who to date if I were the one making the choice of which guy to date.
I also feel like I need to be content with myself and my walk with God before I get into a relationship.
I feel like i'm in that place but God hasn't brought a guy into my life who has made a move towards dating me.
Maybe there is a chance somewhere in the near future.
Maybe not for a few years down the road.
I am just waiting for God's timing.
He knows when the right guy will come along and He will make it work.
It is all about trusting in His will and perfect timing.
God has a plan for my life and my future relationships that I can't even imagine and I am extremely curious to know what His plan is.

Some Things Are Not As Dead As They Seem

I'm really not sure how to go about starting out this post.

I have some good things to share and some not so good as well.

I guess I will start with the good.

God has blessed me tremendously!

I have a church family in Illinois that has accepted me as I am and where I am.

They have more than opened their arms to me.

They have wrapped me up in the church family.

I feel like I am truly accepted by my church family and I haven't felt that way in a church in many, many years.

(Yes, I call them my church family. This may seem weird to those of you in Nebraska, and maybe even to a degree it may seem as though I am turning my back on you all. I still love you all, but this is a new chapter in my life and I have my own life in Illinois and this includes my church.)

God has placed me amongst a church family that is truly amazing.

Without them this summer would have been a very long, lonely, boring summer.

They have made Bourbonnais feel like home.

I couldn't have ever asked for what they have given me.

I appreciate it all and I am extremely thankful to everyone for what they have done for me.

I have to talk about the Mission Team again.

They are all amazing and I am grateful to have this summer with them.

I have to focus on the guys because I have spent the most time with them.

These guys are such a great influence in my life and I think God has put them in my life for a reason, possibly multiple reasons.

These guys blow the phrase "Chivalry is dead" out of the water.

They never fail to go out of their way to make sure the females that are with them at the time are taken care of first or put first in general.

This is something that I haven't grown up with and am not used to.

I have to make a conscious effort not to chastise them about it because I know that they are doing exactly what they are supposed to and it is my job to encourage them as their sister in Christ.

I may not have grown up with it, but it is something that I am slowly getting used to.

It is becoming something that I expect.

These guys have been such a positive influence in my life in how I view men.

I have never had this example of chivalry or of guys being gentleman before.

It is nice to know that there are guys who are still being raised with those standards.

It just makes me hope that I will end up marrying a man who is like this guys and who will be the example of a true chivalrous gentleman to any kids he is around or helps raise.

The guys on the mission team have no idea how high they have made me raise my standards.

They're just making it that much harder for a guy to get me to date him.

I appreciate all of their influence more than they can imagine.

I am and have been truly blessed by these Godly men on the mission team.

My boys.

I got to spend time with two of the boys that I have babysat since they were born.

I took them out to dinner this evening and then we watched some AFV and cuddled on the couch after we took a ton of pictures.

I love those boys like crazy and hate to have to say goodbye.

It's hard to say goodbye and watch them get mad because you're leaving again.

It makes it really hard.

I cannot wait until October when I get to come back and see them again.

Ok, so now for the lengthy section of not so good stuff.

I grew up in the Nazarene church (I got to a baptist church now).

I grew up in the church my grandpa pastored.

When I was a kid I loved going to my church and I loved all the people there.

This lasted until probably around 5th grade.

At this point I realized how much the church and those in leadership positions were concerned about the politics of the church. Most of the time the politics of the church were viewed as more important than the church itself.

Now maybe it's just me, but I don't think that that is how God wants the church to be.

I learned a lot of lessons from the church and the people in it over the next 7 years.

Although I have to say that the majority of them were not positive like you might expect.

I learned a lot of lessons I figured I would learn from the world rather than the church.

Some of the things that I learned are:

-People are not necessarily to be trusted (with personal matters or otherwise)

-People  will tear you down and rip you apart to get what they want

-If you don't suck up to people then you mean nothing to them

-People don't really care what you have to say or what you think

-Emotions are also highly overrated

-If you are a child of a pastor (senior, youth, etc.) you're automatically held to a much higher standard than everyone else and the slightest slip means you get looked down upon by everyone

-And many other lessons could be listed.

As you can see I didn't really learn anything positive from the church here.

It's hard to come home and go to the church here.

I feel like I should be excited to come back here and see everyone at church, but in all honesty I have a hard time even making myself go to church here.

I haven't had a connection with anyone here in years.

I hardly even went my last two years of high school.

It wasn't that I didn't want to go to church, because I really did.

Rather I didn't want to go because every time I was there I felt like I was being stared at and judged by everyone there. It didn't feel welcoming at all.

And ever since I left for school last August, the only people from the church who have contacted me at all are the parents of the kids I babysat.

No one else contacted me at all, but they were constantly talking to and conversing with the other college students from the church.

I can tell you why that is but I will refrain because it would end up being a rather lengthy description.

It was just hard being at church this Sunday because I felt very much like people would have even noticed I was there had it not been for the 3 adults that actually did care and make an effort to keep up on how I am doing while i'm in Illinois.

I really just wanted to leave within minutes of being there.

Had it not been for one of my boys coming and sitting with me during service it would have been a very long morning.

It also helped when I got a text from McKenzie.

After asking about the trip back here, he told me that everyone at Journey was asking where I was.

People have no idea how much that means to me.

The fact that they noticed that I wasn't there since i've only been going for about 5 months is something I wouldn't have expected.

The church here that I went to for 13 years didn't even ask that the first Sunday I was away at college. Not a single one of them.

Journey has been a blessing and I hope to stay apart of the church and their ministry for the next few years at least.

Now to get to family stuff.

If only I could share everything that is on my mind relating to this topic.

I can't do so because some of it shouldn't be shared and there is just far too much on my mind regarding the subject.

The main thing right now has to deal with my mom.

I like to come back here to visit for a few days, but it is very hard to come back.

When i'm at school my mom encourages all of the things I do and has not an issue with any of it.

Soon as i'm back here she treats me like i'm in middle school still.

I'm going to be 20yrs old in 6 months.

I am an adult but she treats me like a kid all the time when i'm home.

It makes it really hard to come back here to visit.

It's making me really consider just staying in Illinois for the summers and for a while after graduating.

I don't know that I will come back to Nebraska to live.

I love Nebraska but I just can't do it anymore.

Well, that is as far as I am going to go into those topics on here for the evening.

I really just wish there was someone I could talk to.

I feel the need to just have an actual conversation and discuss things face to face with someone.

Oh well, I do not have that opportunity at the moment.

It's going to be a long night of packing, listening/singing to music, and praying.

God has gotten me this far and I have no doubt that He will get me through whatever is coming.

It is through Him that I can do all things!!

Tuberculosis

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook you may have seen my status about how today was not such a good day for me.

I wish I knew how to share everything that is bothering me without it sounding like complaining.

However, I do not know how to go about doing so.

So here goes a quick overview of what has made this day not so great.

First off, I could hardly sleep last night.

I got all of about 2 or 3 hours tops all night long.

I had a lot on my mind and just could not manage to get myself to sleep.

It was a long night and an extremely early morning.

My insomnia definitely kicked in, as well as an overactive mind.

If I could just shut my mind off for a few hours every night I might actually get some sleep.

Then there was the fact that all of the divorce stuff is still managing to mess up my life.

My 'father' did not file taxes the way he was supposed to so now my school bill is sitting unpaid because he has all the tax money and will not give my mom her share.

I am not sure exactly what the whole situation is since i'm not there and no one tells me anything anymore, but I do know that it is causing a lot of tension between my mom & I about financial things concerning my schooling.

Staying here at ONU is dependent on the bill being paid.

However, since my 'father' refuses to do what he said he would, I now am  on the edge of possibly not being able to stay for the fall and just the thought is driving me crazy.

I just hate that I am still stuck under the umbrella of this divorce.

My life is still being controlled by it and by the choices that my parents and the judges make.

Everything is hanging by a string and I cannot do anything about it.

Then there is the fact that I was talking to my mom about traveling plans for vacation/family reunion this next weekend and she informed me now that I will not be riding back with her.

Rather she is having me ride back with her boyfriend.

A man I hardly know in the least, and his kids.

I do not know at all how to feel about it, but I do know that my anxiety has definitely been high since I had this conversation with my mom...and that is not a good thing.

Last, although not least, is the fact that I was informed when I arrived at work this morning that I may have possibly caught a sickness from a coworker that could be extremely bad for me.

One of my coworkers has been diagnosed with Tuberculosis.

This is a serious sickness that is centered in the lungs.

It has even been known to kill people in it's worst forms.

That part may not seem like a huge deal to you because you are probably thinking that I am young and my immune system is good and can withstand it.

I have to contradict that.

Yes, I am young.

No, my immune system is not good. Not in the least.

My immune system is very weak.

I pretty much catch everything that I am around and it is 10x worse for me than the person who I caught it from.

This has been so ever since I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) in fall of 2009.

I had it 3 different times for 3 weeks each time.

I was completely bed ridden (actually recliner...) because I was in so much pain I couldn't physically move myself.

That was the worst 2 months that I had experienced with a sickness since 5th grade.

And ever since my immune system has been absolutely terrible.

The other thing that makes it easier to catch Tuberculosis is having asthma.

Which I have.

So I have an extremely weak immune system and asthma.

I am a prime candidate.

I am extremely worried that I may have caught it and that I will now have to once again have to fight through a sickness that could kill me.

I cannot afford to have caught this sickness.

I just can't.

You know, this is starting to really get tiring.

This nonstop cycle.

Things start going really well and then all of a sudden...

BAM!!!

...the devil has decided once again to throw a gigantic wrench into it all.

It seems like he thinks that my life is the perfect playground.

Just when I start to be happy and to think that things are turning around I get slapped in the face.

I know God has huge plans for me, otherwise the devil would not be working so hard to knock me down onto my face every time I turn around, but it is hard to deal with all of this.

I'm tired of constantly being pushed down onto my face.

Being pushed to the ground just as I am starting to get my footing again.

I wish I knew what God's plan was.

Not so that I would know what to do every step of the way, but rather so that I could be encouraged and feel like going through all of this is going to be worth it in the end.

 I just picked myself up of the ground.

And now I feel like i'm falling again.

The cycle continues...

My Jesus Would Never Be Accepted In My Church

Before reading farther into this post, please take a minute to watch (or rather listen) to this video.

Take the 6 minutes, play the song and close your eyes and listen.

 Ignore all of the distractions and focus on the lyrics.

I promise you that it is worth it.

(Just in case anyone wants them:  My Jesus by Todd Agnew Lyrics )

Have you ever taken the time to realize who Jesus really is?

Who the Jesus that you serve, worship, and praise truly is?

Have you ever stopped to figure out whether you are truly following Jesus or rather a Jesus that fits your world and your life better?

Which Jesus do you serve?

Do you serve the Jesus that people paint pictures of that is perfect with brown hair and blue eyes?

The Jesus that makes you feel comfortable?

Or do you serve the Jesus that makes any others feel uncomfortable because He isn't picture perfect?

Are you following the Jesus that was beaten, whipped, and hung on the cross?

The first sounds like the Jesus that would fit our worlds her on earth, but the second sounds like the Jesus that I want to serve.

The sad part is that many Churches prefer to stay with the first.

The second is not welcome in most Churches.

There is just one problem with that.

We cannot pick which side of Jesus that we want to follow and serve.

Following and serving Him means doing so wholly.

It means that we follow the comfortable and the uncomfortable.

Ephesians 5:1-2

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

We are supposed to live lives that are honoring to God. 

According to Ephesians, we should be imitating the God we say we serve.

We should be doing it everyday, all day.

Yet how many times do we go about our lives without even taking the time to think about the way that God would want us to go about our lives??

If you stop to take a look around then you would realize that our world is centered on materialism.

Even worse is when you look around and see that the church has become centered on it as well.

We want to have the big building with the fancy windows, elegant molding, and the best furnishings that can be bought on a church budget.

We are so focused on the appearance of the church that it seems as though we forget about the Church itself.

(To clarify, the church- the building and Church- the family of believers)

What would happen if we actually spent time following Jesus' footsteps and caring for the poor, the disabled, and those that can't help themselves?

What if we stepped out and conversed with, even possibly get to know, those that many in the church/Church would refer to as 'sluts', 'prostitutes', or 'hookers'?

What about the alcoholics, the drug addicts, or porn addicts?

What do you think would  happen if we started spending time with those that most consider to be less than themselves??

 It may be uncomfortable for us at first, but the difference we could make if we were to step outside of our comfort zones could be astronomical.

So why are we not doing it?

Why are we idling sitting by?

If we want to make a difference we need to have a desire to be like Jesus.

We have to be willing to be uncomfortable if that is what it takes to follow His will.

Stepping out in faith and following Him.

That is what it takes.

 (I want to go on with this but I do not want to drag it on and risk being redundant. A post in the future based on the same topic is possible though.)

"What The Junk??"

Hey y'all!!

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I have posted. 

I've been a little busy with work and church stuff.

Hmm, so I guess i'll do a quick recap of what I have been up to as of late.

Work is pretty much the same. Long days of cleaning.

I have climbed into far too many lockers, stoves, refrigerators, and other tight spaces for my liking.

(I'm not quite small enough for some of this...contrary to what many may say.)

I have to say that if it weren't for the people I work with I would absolutely positively hate my job.

Last Monday my mom (and her boyfriend) stopped into town and brought my futon and a tv for me. It is great to finally have furniture. (Not being able to get the remote to work the cable and having to settle for watching David Letterman's show for Gay Pride Week...not so much :/ )

After they left I made sure my bike was locked up and went inside to chill.

I came out the next morning (Tuesday) and my bike was gone.

Chain cut and thrown under the bush.

Not what I wanted to find at 6:30am when I had to be to work in 10mins.

However, yesterday (a week after it happened), Public Safety called and said they had my bike.

The police had found some guy riding it around town.

He picked it up off someone else for $15 for crying out loud.

It's good to have it back though.

Other than that things were not all that eventful until about last Thursday.

 But before getting into that I am going to share a little about the missions team at my church this summer.

North American Mission Board (NAMB) sends out Summer Mission Teams to churches throughout the country every summer. This summer my church, Journey Church, got sent one of these teams. There are 7 summer missionaries here, all college age. 

Two of them go to my school here in Illinois and the rest are from various other colleges and universities.

The 7 summer missionaries that we have here this summer are Andy, Malik, McKenzie, Kenan, Joel, Patrick, and Haley.

Andy and Malik are the two that go to school with me.

Most of the missionaries are from some part of Illinois with the exception of three.

Malik is from Maryland, Patrick is from Mississippi, and Haley is from Tennessee. 

The 7 of them are here at Journey to help out for the summer with various things.

As of late they have been going out into the community and going door to door giving out flyers promoting Journey and sharing what we are all about.

Friendship Festival 2012 (Bourbonnais, IL) Left to right: Andy, McKenzie, Patrick, Malik, Haley, Kenan, and Joel

The above picture is a group picture of the mission team.

This was right before we started walking in the Friendship Festival Parade.

Five of the guys, all except Patrick, had been practicing a bucket drum routine that they performed that morning in church and then while we were walking in the Parade.

They did a great job that morning at church as well as during the Parade!!

While the guys were doing their routine (part of the time walking the other part while riding on the float), we had several members of our church walking and passing out beads to kids and cards with our information to adults.

It was a great afternoon and one to be remembered for sure!!

Friendship Festival 2012- Getting ready to walk! (Me, Justine, and Haley)

 Here is another picture from the Parade. It is a bad one of me but the other two look good!

Ok, so now that I have shared a little bit about the mission team I will share a little bit of the last several days.

For anyone who has read my previous posts (which is probably no one...) then y'all know how bored I have been this summer. 

That has changed in large part because of the group pictured above, as well as other members of Journey Church.

This past week was the Friendship Festival (Wed. June 20th-Sun. June 24th).

I went a few times with this group.

Thursday night I went to the Festival with Andy and Malik.

A lady from church works at Great Clips and she had a booth so we stopped and talked to her for a while. Basically we just chilled there until the guys had band practice for Sunday morning.

We then went to band practice and I got to spend time with the most adorable little girl.

Her name is Cali and she is the daughter of our worship leader Nate and his wife Jill.

She is absolutely adorable and thanks to the guys makes a wide variety of animal noises by request. :)

We then went and spent the evening at Chad and Rachel's.

The next evening (Friday) we had a College Student...get together (??)...

We all met up at the church office and then went to the Festival.

Friendship Festival 2012- Back Row: Joel, Andy, Kenan, Emily (?), TJ, and me. Front Row: Derek, Haley, Malik, and McKenzie.

It was a great night!!

We had a couple of additions to the group before we left the Festival and headed to Steak N' Shake.

Steak N' Shake- Left: Haley, Jessica, Kenan, Andy, Justine, and me. Right: Erin (?), TJ, Joel, Malik, and McKenzie.

As you can see we are a decent sized group of college students (except for Emily...?).

(We have some lovely faces going on in this picture...lol)

Then Saturday I worked overtime. We had to turn over dorms for a camp that was coming for a day or two.

After work I went to the softball game. (Journey has a team and we play against other teams from the area. It is a fun outreach ministry and a great way to get to know each other!)

There was another missions group that came from another church to help out.

(I forgot where they came from.)

So we met them at the offices and helped finish bagging up the flyers for the guys to give out while going door to door.

Then dinner at Aurelio's.

Then the guys had to practice their bucket drumline routine and since I had nothing else to do I went with them and was their audience for the evening.

Sunday was a crazy busy day for all of us!

I had to be at church an hour earlier than usual in order to do nursery.

The guys had all been there for a while before I go there and were practicing their routine again.

After church we all went to Burger King to grab lunch and then headed out to BBCHS to get ready for the Parade!

We walked in the Parade for about an hour or so.

It was such a great way for us to reach out and be a part of the community!!!

(We also found out later on that we won the Director's Choice Award for out float and the church got a plaque and everything!!!)

After a crazy time of destroying the float and taking all the staples out of the trailer (which was graciously loaned to us for the afternoon from Jessica!!), we all headed back to Chad and Rachel's.

Little did we all know there was someone moving in next door.

We offered to help them finish moving their things in and they accepted.

So for the next hour or so the guys and I helped them unload their large moving truck.

We all pushed ourselves and I definitely went above and beyond my usual.

As we were helping them we got to talking to them and sharing about Journey and the missions team and everything.

When we got done we got a chance to introduce Mark and his family to Chad (Journey's pastor) and Rachel. We got a chance to share more about Journey and invite them to church.

It was such a great witnessing opportunity!! 

Who knew?!

We were all crazy tired and crashed in Chad and Rachel's living room for the rest of the evening.

Chad grilled up some hot dogs and sausage for dinner.

We all ended up watching The Ringer that evening.

(Joel can do a crazy good impression of one of the characters!!)

Overall the last several days have been crazy busy but I loved it!!

I also have to say that I think that God definitely used this past week to show me some things.

After all of it I feel like I am most definitely right at the place where God wants me to be for the summer, even if it is different to be here instead of at home.

God is doing big things in my life through Journey and through the mission team.

I could not have asked for a better summer.

God is showing me that sometimes the simplest of gestures can be the strongest witnessing opportunities that we can get.

Case in point when talking about helping Mark and his family move in.

How could we know that we would have that opportunity Sunday afternoon??

Yeah, we may have all been pushed beyond our limits both physically and in terms of our comfort zone, but look at how God used it!!!

His plan is far greater than ours and who knows what would have happened if we hadn't stepped out and offered to help them move all of their things into their house!

And I have to say personally that God has provided me an incredible group of friends for the summer, and hopefully longer, even when I didn't think I would meet anyone this summer.

I was not planning on all of this, but He is providing in more ways than I could have ever imagined!

These guys have been going out of their way to be chivalrous and to show that there are still guys out there who take it seriously and act on it.

I am not used to it at all and therefore it is weird for me, but at the same time it is incredible to be exposed to guys who want to go that extra step and open the car door, let me sit in the front seat, serve my food for me, or carry something for me (even when i'm obstinate about it...lol).

I was not expecting God to provide that kind of an example for me this summer, but I appreciate it.

(However, these guys are gonna have me all kinds of spoiled by the end of the summer!!)

(And if you guys read this...Thank you for being an example of what true gentlemen should act like! It is greatly appreciated even if I nag you about it!! I have never seen guys treat girls/women with the respect that you all do. You're all pretty amazing guys and i'm lucky to know you all!!)

Well, there ya have it!

A quick (sorta....) recap of my life as of late!

There is much more I could share but I will leave it at that.

God keeps surprising me daily and I am excited to see what is going to happen in the coming weeks and months of the summer!!! :)


***All pictures in this post are courtesy of the lovely Haley Richards, member of the NAMB Summer Mission Team***

God works in amazing ways!!

Hm, life seems like a crazy whirlwind right now.

The summer has gone by so fast already, yet at the same time it seems to be going so slow.

I still have a hard time believing that it is already June.

Absolute craziness if you ask me.

Work is just work.

I can't say that cleaning for eight hours Monday through Friday is exciting.

But the people I work with definitely make those eight hours quite entertaining for me.

I would not like going to work if it were not for those on my team.

I have two amazing ladies for team leaders, Susie and Dawn :)

And regularly the students on the team are Ethan, Robensky, Karen, and I.

However, we have had a few additions the last week or two, such as Emily, Adrian, and Geoff.

Getting to work with various people has definitely been a learning experience.

I have also enjoyed getting to know everyone.

It amazes me how varied all of our personalities are.

I am just curious to see what God may have planned this summer because I have not doubt that those of us who are working this summer are not here by coincidence. 

We are all here for a reason and God knows what those reasons are.

I also feel like God has definitely brought me into a church that is more than willing to welcome me into their groups and surround me this summer.

I am highly grateful for all of the wonderful people at church that God has put in my life.

I am truly excited to see what He has planned this summer with my involvement in my church.

I have no doubt it will be amazing!!

His plans tend to be just that :)