At this time of night I really just feel like being completely honest with you all. It may take me a minute of rambling to get there but I really feel that I need to just open up. It's been said that people like to read posts that are written by people who are genuine. Well, I want to be really genuine with you all tonight/this morning. My heart has really been heavy the last couple months about a particular topic and I have talked about it some with Kristin, but not as much as I feel like I need to. While those talks have helped, I really felt a need to share this with my followers & fellow bloggers. So here it goes...

The last couple months have really been rough for me in the area of relationships. I find it extremely hard to be one of the very few of my friends who are still single. I keep getting Facebook messages & news feed updates about friends getting engaged, married, and even having kids. Yet I sit around eating food, listening to sappy love songs, and reading blogs. I really have this desire to have a relationship and get married in the future. Thing is...watching all my friends get engaged and married makes me extremely impatient with the whole waiting thing that I seem to be doing. I know that God has a plan for me and that His plan in this particular area of my life will be far better than anything I could dream of. Yet I find it hard to just sit back and trust Him about it. I just want to move things along.

It also hasn't helped that i've had a few rough experiences with guys in the past year, one of which has really had a fairly negative affect on me. It is not that these guys were bad guys. They were all Christians, some stronger than others, and we had a lot in common, but the timing was just off. I don't know if things will change in regards to any of them in the future but at this point they are not in the picture in that manner anymore. It is hard to not sit around and wonder why I have went almost 21 years now without a boyfriend/relationship and at this point it seems as though the prospects are few and far between. It is hard not to wonder what's wrong with me and if i'm doing something that is pushing them away unintentionally. I know that I do have some things that I do subconsciously and I am working on fixing those. It can just get hard when everyone around you seems to be in a relationship and you're just kinda sitting on the sidelines by yourself.

I definitely feel that this will not be the case forever, but there are moments when I even question that. It is just hard to wait when you hit that age where everyone else is getting married and you still haven't had a single boyfriend. Everyone asks about who you are interested in and asks why you aren't dating anyone and other such questions. I really just wish I no longer had to deal with that. But I know that part of the waiting process is having patience. It will all work out how it is supposed to.

I hope I didn't make this too repetitive or anything, but this has just really been something that I am struggling with. I know this isn't a super specific post and maybe later i'll be more specific about it, but for now I think i've shared enough of the basics. My hope is that this does not seem like complaining because it is not. This is just something that has been on my heart lately and has been a big struggle.



Have any of you been in this situation or felt the same? What are some things that you have done that helped make it easier? Have you learned anything in your period of waiting?

Putting my trust in him & Him

(Yes, I know I am writing this at 6am, but I can't seem to get it off my mind and there is no one around to talk to about it at this point of time. And hey, at least it wasn't written at 5am when I woke up.)

There are days when I just question this whole relationship thing.

This past week has been full of those days.

Today is most likely going to be one of those days.

It's not that I question whether it will happen one day or not.

Or if there is a guy out there who will actually want to be in a relationship with me.

Rather, I would like to know how long I need to wait for all of this.

How many times do I have to watch a guy come into my life who would make a great boyfriend and possibly an awesome spouse one day just to watch him walk out?

When will I not be the one friend in the group who isn't in a relationship?

Some of you are probably thinking i'm just being a typical girl here.

(And maybe I am, but I don't do this very often so it's okay.)

But I seriously wonder things like that.

For those of you who know me, and those who know the summer mission team, you probably are taking a guess that these questions pertain to a particular person.

I'll admit it, you're not entirely wrong.

Everyone basically just considers the two of us dating regardless of the fact that he hasn't initiated anything.

I'm pretty sure that he now knows my side of things (thanks to the guys) and i've known his for a while.

There is just one thing that has really prevented anything from happening.

The oh-so-lovely distance.

And although I wish his decision was different, I respect his decision to not initiate at this point because of that.

And there is the chance that things will change in the future, near or not so near.

I just wish that the whole waiting thing wasn't so hard.

It's not easy to wait for him when there are constant reminders of what could be.

I have an engaged roommate, the two other girls in our group are both in long distance relationships, my two good guy friends (or as some know them 'brothers') are in relationships (one long distance, one not), and numerous other friends and people I know who are in relationships, some of which are now getting engaged.

Then you add in the daily reminders of him that come from the guys, my roommate, my friends, church family, and others.

I get that you all just give me crap about this whole thing because you care about me and everything.

You do it because you love me and you're just teasing.

And i'm good at just putting on the smile and maybe even laughing a bit.

There are times however when I just wish you knew what the constant teasing does.

Not only does it constantly bring him back to the front of my mind, most often right after I've finally gotten focused on something else entirely.

But it does kind of hurt a little having this whole thing be like a running joke for everyone.

And I just kind of have to sit here and take it.

It's not easy having to wait, especially when you know you both want it to happen.

It just isn't any easier with all of this.

People say to not think about the whole relationship thing (matter of fact they just did on a status of mine last night), but I really cannot get away from it.

The whole relationship thing is in my face 24/7.

I mean I'm pretty sure if I could remember my dreams it would probably be there too. No joke.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he was here too, but i'm dealing with all of this by myself.

There's no one here to talk about it with or go through it with.

Luckily for him he is 4 1/2hrs away and does not get the daily bombardment.

Most days I just wish the distance wasn't so great.

Some days I think we're okay with where we're at right now.

Everyday I wish I could just turn off the constant flow of relationship talk and the teasing.

Yet at the same time...

Everyday I'm trusting that God is working all of this out in His timing.

I may spend a lot of days frustrated and confused with all of this, but He knows what is going on.

Maybe all of this is just part of what I have to go through in order to truly be ready for what is coming.

For all I know today could be the day this all changes (although it is highly unlikely).

Or maybe that day won't happen until Christmas Break.

Who knows?

All I know is that even through the trials I go through on a day to day basis, God is working on my behalf.

He knows what is going to happen between the two of us, even when we don't.

I'm jut trying to learn to trust God in this whole thing.

And i'm also learning that respecting his decision not to initiate at this time means that I also need to trust his decision making, even when it may not be the easiest thing for me to do.

He is doing what he feels is best and I have a feeling that he has prayed about it.

If he felt it were the right thing to do he would have initiated already.

This whole thing needs to start off on the right foot, which is for both of us to trust God in His timing.

It's not easy with everything being thrown at us, or at least at me since I don't know what he is going through, but if it is meant to be then it will work out regardless of it all.

So while I may get frustrated with everything, I am learning through it all to trust the guy who is 4 1/2hrs away and the Man Upstairs. 

It takes a lot for me to do that, but I feel like it will be worth it one day.

Send Me

Summer just got over about a month ago, or a little shorter than that for some of us.

You would think that I should be focusing on today.

Yet I am spending time figuring out what I am going to do next summer.

I think I already have it figured out, which may seem kinda crazy to some of you out there.

But I do not think it is crazy.

Rather I think that it is a good thing that I feel lead to what I am doing next summer this far in advance.

I can more adequately prepare and make sure I am spiritually ready for it.

It releases the stress of trying to figure out what I will be doing in April.

I can relax and just spend time with God getting myself ready to face whatever challenges may come my way.

For those of you who may be curious as to what I am planning on doing this coming summer, I will give a quick overview.

I am planning on staying here in Illinois and doing missions work with my church.

This can, and most likely will, include various aspects of ministry.

From office and administrative, to kids and students ministries.

If I can figure out some instrument stuff, then quite possibly some music stuff will be in there as well.

The specifics are yet to necessarily be nailed down, but they will be the closer the summer gets.

Now some of you may be asking why I would want to spend my summer doing this.

Simply put...I feel like God wants me to.

It isn't anything complicated that requires a ten page answer.

I just simply feel called to do it.

To some this may seem odd, yet to some it may seem like a tremendous opportunity.

I see it as another step in my journey with God.

He has a plan for this coming summer and I have no clue what it is, but I am extremely excited to find out!

I could not ask for a better opportunity.

God has opened a door for me and I feel blessed to be able to walk through it.

 

I feel that although I feel called to partake in this opportunity, I am going to be faced with many people who are greatly opposed to the idea of my staying here and doing this.

I have an idea of who some of these people are.

At first I do not think that they will necessarily approve, but I think that eventually they will be okay with it.

I just do not want to back out of this because of what people think, because ultimately it is God who will grant the ultimate approval for this opportunity.

If I feel like God has called me to do this, then I am going to do it.

It may upset some people or even make some people blow me off because they don't understand.

But I'm not supposed to be pleasing people, but rather God.

I may feel sad that people may feel negative feelings toward this, but I feel like if it is in God's will I will feel at peace about this decision that I have made.

 

I am just going to be continuously praying that God will provide whatever is necessary.

I am also praying that He will give me confidence in this decision as I move forward in the application process.

I am trusting that this is where He wants me to be and that everything will work out for His purpose.

I am confident in His plan and am willing to follow where ever He may lead.

It's All Coming To An End So Soon

Can you believe it's August next week??

I can't.

The fact that it's August next week means a few things.

1. School starts in a month.

2. Summer is almost over.

 (and most importantly...)

3. The Summer Mission Team leaves.

The third thing hit me this week as the guys have been gone at a camp while Patrick and I have been working with the Arkansas mission group to do Block Parties in the community.

It feels like they just got here and we've all just started getting to know each other.

And now they are going to be leaving.

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around that fact.

I guess i'm just having a hard time accepting it.

(This is going to sound so girly and like i'm super attached to them all, but I don't care.)

I'm not ready for them to leave quite yet.

I think the part that is really getting to me is that I have this feeling that i'll lose contact with them all as soon as they leave, just like what always happens with people.

They leave and that's it.

It really just makes it hard to say goodbye when that's the likely outcome.

Watch me be a girl and get all emotional when they leave.

(Highly unlikely, but there is always that slight possibility.)

 

Even though they'll be leaving I have to thank God for everything He has taught me through the guys this summer.

He has showed me show much through them and I wouldn't have been able to see any of it or learn anything had it not been for this group of guys that God put in my life.

Although I would much rather they didn't leave, I know that God has things in store for them as they all head back home and/or back to school.

God has some great plans for these guys I have no doubt and I hope that I get the chance to see what He does through them and for them in the future.

God has blessed many people through them this summer and they have made such an impact.

They may be leaving but what they did and the impact they made will not be forgotten.

God knew what He was doing when He brought those guys here.

It's been exciting to watch.

Now I am hoping that I will get to watch what He has planned in the near future.

I just pray that through whatever happens we will all be glorifying the Father in everything that we say and do.

May it all be for Him and His glory!

God Only Knows

You hear all about relationships these days.

Boyfriends & girlfriends, people who live together, friends with benefits, and on and on.

Some of these relationships, particularly boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, are encouraged at young ages these days.

Kids in elementary school think it is normal to have those relationships at those young ages.

I am not sure when this became acceptable for kids, let alone when adults started encouraging it.

I do know however that it is something that has been asked of me more times than I will ever be able to count in my lifetime.

The question of whether or not I had a boyfriend was asked off me throughout middle school and high school by family members and people from church.

The answer was always no however, since I never did date anyone.

Even if I had wanted to in middle school or the first two years of high school I couldn't have.

Why couldn't I have dated someone at that point?

Because my mom was strict about the rule of no dating before I was 16.

Not that it mattered much seeing as I didn't date anyone my last two years of high school either.

I got a lot of flack for it, but there wasn't any time for a boyfriend and there wasn't anyone in town that I would have even considered.

It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to have a boyfriend, but rather that I was preoccupied with family issues and there were not many Christian guys in my town.

Although I managed to get through high school without people worrying about it, that didn't seem to last long after I left for college last August.

You wouldn't believe the number of people who asked if I was dating someone once I got to college.

Literally within the first two weeks my mom was already getting asked about it.

And the fact that I wasn't dating someone and still am not just about blows people's minds.

I have a group of friends that I hand out with and in that group there are only two couples.

My mom gets weird looks and questions from people about whether she is ok with that situation, and if so, why she finds it ok.

This just does not make much sense to me.

All people are worried about is whether or not I am dating someone.

Why doesn't someone ask about how things with school or church are going??

All this focus on dating makes it really hard to be ok with the fact that you're not dating anyone.

Even more so when it seems like everyone else is.

Why so much pressure for me to date someone?

I feel content to wait for God to bring the right man into my life, but it seems as though no one else is content to wait for that to happen.

God's timing is always perfect and I have no doubt it will be in this situation as well.

It is just hard to trust Him when everyone is constantly pushing.

They encourage trusting God, yet at the same time want to push me to date someone just because.

I feel like it is fairly contradicting.

Yes, I think it would be nice to date someone and have someone to share life with.

However, I do not think that I would make the correct choice in who to date if I were the one making the choice of which guy to date.
I also feel like I need to be content with myself and my walk with God before I get into a relationship.
I feel like i'm in that place but God hasn't brought a guy into my life who has made a move towards dating me.
Maybe there is a chance somewhere in the near future.
Maybe not for a few years down the road.
I am just waiting for God's timing.
He knows when the right guy will come along and He will make it work.
It is all about trusting in His will and perfect timing.
God has a plan for my life and my future relationships that I can't even imagine and I am extremely curious to know what His plan is.