This past Sunday we started a new series at my church entitled "Chains". This series is all about discovering what our chains are and how we can break free of them. This week we discussed what our chains are.

So often when we speak of chains that are keeping us trapped and stuck we think of things such as your average addictions like alcohol or drugs. Yes, these are chains and they do keep us trapped, locked up and confined. They are terrible and they cause so much heartache. They keep us from living our true lives and fulfilling our purpose. Yet there are so many other chains in our lives. They come in a variety of forms, such as self-image, worry, fear, doubt and so on. They keep us locked in a place that we cannot get out of on our own. Chains such as these are often unrealized by us because we are so wrapped up in them.

Personally I have many, although some are bigger than others. One of the big ones is worrying about what people think of me or will think of me if I do something. This was a big one the end of last spring semester. I was looking at interning with my church and really felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I talked with my mom about it and she really fought me because she said I needed a real job. Working as a missions intern at my church without a guaranteed amount of pay due to raising funds on my own was not what she wanted me to do and she fought me and opposed me like none other. Yet I really felt like I needed to do it. I started off the summer without a guaranteed job and was not sure what God had planned but trusted that if He really wanted me here interning it would work out. I did not want my mom to be mad at me or think I was doing it just to spite her and do my own thing but I knew I needed to do it. So I got it all taken care of and I started out as a summer missions intern with no guaranteed pay. I put my faith in Him and trusted that He would provide the funds if I was supposed to be here. At the end of the summer He provided much more than what I hoped for and I no longer cared what my mom thought. I just knew that God had put me where I was supposed to be.

Another big one is my fear of being hurt again. I put up walls to keep myself safe and often it keeps me from pursuing the things that He puts in front of me. I am getting better about doing things much more openly and being vulnerable but it isn't easy. When I am vulnerable He always proves that it was far better for me than pushing it away and that I can trust Him not to put me in situations that will hurt me. 

There are so many other chains that I have in my life and I am working to give them to God and break free of them. It is a never ending process but I hope to continue to break chains as I get closer and closer to Him. There is so much freedom found in Him when we give Him the things that are chaining us and holding us captive. It is such a wonderful feeling to break free of them!

What are some chains in your life? How is. God helping you to break those chains? 

Love Is Illuminating

 

This quote has popped up in a couple different places the last few days and it has really just hit hard. With everything that has happened in my past I find it easier to hide things. I do not want someone to think that all I am is these broken pieces and all of these bad things. So in an attempt to make things easier, I hide those parts of myself and just put forth the good things. It really comes down to the fear of someone not being able to or not wanting to love all of me, the broken and bad parts included. A lot of times it feels as though all of my flaws are a major deterrent and the reason that I have yet to find the 'one'. But when I came across this quote, it made me wonder if by holding back the broken parts of myself I am keeping myself from people. By holding those things back I am not trusting them enough to give them the opportunity to love me despite those things. This is something that I have really come to realize that I desperately need to work on. Love can illuminate things in my life that may otherwise seem dull. I know that it will be an amazing thing and I look forward to it.

I also remind myself daily that I need to give it to God and trust that He will bring the right people or person into my life at the right time. If I trust Him enough to bring them into my life then I need to know that I can trust those people. It is not an easy task, but I am hoping that I will get better at it as time goes on and as I continue to trust God. His plan is far better than I can imagine...all it takes to see it pan out is some trust and a lot of faith in Him! I also know that the most illuminating of loves is that which comes from my Heavenly Father!

If Only...

What if?

We often ask this question every day in regards to something that has been said or done at some point in out lives.

Maybe we ask it in regards to little things, such as "What if I had roomed with someone else Freshman year of college?" or maybe we ask it in regards to big things, such as "What if I hadn't yelled at & degraded my significant other?".

This question can take on many forms and it can range from extremely little things to extremely large, life altering things.

Sometimes we can find ourselves getting lost in our thoughts as we question "What if..." in regards to different aspects of our lives, whether we could have altered it or if our "What ifs..." are really what it would have been like.

We can become so consumed with trying to figure out what could have been if we did something differently, that we often times find ourselves unable to keep ourselves from making decisions that leave us with more "What if..." moments.

On a personal level, I ask myself "What if..." on a regular basis in regards to things that have happened.

What if I had chosen to go to bed early the other night?

What if I hadn't ordered pizza for supper two nights this week?

What if I hadn't reacted that way to his simple inquiry about how I was doing?

What if I would have stepped out of my comfort zone and asked what his intentions were?

What if I would have opened myself up to let him into my heart?

What if I did not have trust issues?

What if I had had a father who was active in my life?

What if I had had a father who was a positive presence in my life?

What if?

I could go on and on with this list, but I think this makes my point.

I ask myself these questions about multitudes of things on a daily basis.

As much as I hate to admit it, I often find myself dwelling on these "What ifs" and it ends up affecting my mood & my life.

It is not that it is always bad for me to wonder, but when I let that affect the way I live now...that's when there is a problem.

I cannot change what has happened and it can be damaging to me to dwell on those things.

God does not want me to dwell on those things.

He wants me to focus on my present so that I can try to limit the number of "What ifs" I have later on.

When we focus on our past and the "What ifs" that come along with that, we are likely to end up having "What ifs" about how our lives are going now because we were so worried about the past.

We need to seek God's help in accepting the past and working on doing our best to remove "What if" moments from life.

We will never be able to completely avoid "What if" moments, but we can do our best to limit them.

There is also a part of us as humans that feels the need to talk about these things with someone, but maybe we're afraid.

But as members of a Christian community, we always have people to talk to who will not judge us.

Seek out those people and ask them to talk with you and pray with you, even hold you accountable to handle things differently in similar situations in the future.

If you're not a part of a Christian (Church) family/community, then look for a friend who you feel you can trust or look for a church and get to know someone there and talk to them.

The family of God is our support system, whether Christians or not, and that does not just mean on the good days.

They are there on the bad days and through the tough times.

It is so much easier to go through these things with people by your side.

I encourage to find someone to talk to or to talk to God.

I also encourage you not to dwell on the "What ifs".

Do not let them control your life.

Put them behind you, put them in God's hands.

He has far greater things for you!!

***NOTE: My pastor has been doing a series on this topic at church on Sunday mornings and you can find recordings of these to listen to on our website... Journey Church

Can You Turn My Black Roses Red?

Love.

It's a four letter word.

A simple four letter word.

But it has a complex meaning.

What is love?

What makes me afraid of it?

Why does it scare me so much?

I have been asking myself these questions a lot in recent months, especially the past few days.

We had a couple come for chapel this past week and they talked about relationships.

(It was the Smalleys who spoke in chapel.)

On Wednesday I did not really pay attention because they were just telling the story of how they met.

However, for Thursdays chapel they split us up by guys and girls.

The husband talked to the guys at one location, while the wife talked to us girls in the chapel.

I ended up really paying attention on Thursday because it resonated with me.

She talked some more about how her and her husband met and I kind of tuned that part out.

I did start paying attention when she started talking about how we should look at relationships.

She mentioned that we need to pay attention to the guys in our lives who match up with the things we are looking for.

Sometimes we friend-zone the guys who match up with our 'list' of things we want in a guy.

Maybe we want someone who is caring, compassionate, and respectful.

Maybe we want someone who is outgoing, spontaneous, and humorous.

(All assuming he is a Christian.)

Maybe we want any number of things.

And maybe there is a guy in our lives who matches up with that list in a way that is almost perfect.

But we have been ignoring him because we think of him as just a friend or brother in Christ.

Sometimes we need to step back and take a good look at the guys in our lives.

These friends/brothers in Christ that we have friend-zoned may like us like crazy, but have not said anything.

Whether it is because we are dating someone at the time, think they are not good enough, or whatever reason, they do not say anything to us.

Yet if we step back and look at them we may just realize that God has put the perfect guy for us in our lives already.

God knows who the right guy is but sometimes we have a knack of just being friends or ignoring them completely.

Why on earth do we, as females, do this so often?

What she was saying hit me and just resonated with me because of some relationship things I am trying to figure out.

It really got me thinking and making some decisions.

But then some other things hit me as well.

These things are personal things and they do not really relate to her topic from chapel.

However, they are still extremely relevant for me.

I actually just talked with my RA a little while earlier this afternoon (like an hour ago or so) about it.

(*NOTE: This is all about a specific guy and some of you reading this know who it is.)

She asked me if there was a reason I had not said anything to him about what is going on with us.

Why had I not made some sort of initiation of contact?

I answered with the truth about how I am old fashioned and think that the guy should initiate as I see it as a part of him being the leader in the relationship.

We talked a little more on that and then she went a little deeper.

She said that she thinks that I am holding back.

She said that although I have this great guy in my life and we like each other, I am holding back on a personal level.

She then proceeded to ask me if there was something that was causing me to be holding back.

I really just had to stop and just say that I find it extremely hard to trust guys.

She asked why and I told her.

I told her that it is hard when you watch marriage relationships falling apart left and right, engagements broke off and serious dating relationships with years behind them fall to shambles.

I told her that it is hard when all of your bestfriends (all of whom were guys because I can relate to them easier) left after a short while, whether for a legit reason or they just fell off the face of the planet.

I also told her that it is hard when the one guy who is supposed to be there for you, encourage you, and most of all, love you, decides that he could not care less and does not take part in your life.

I told her that it is hard when almost every guy that has ever been in my life has left after a short while of knowing each other and getting close.

When guy after guy after guy just leaves you and did not even care enough to explain why, it is extremely hard to trust.

My RA then made the observation that I do not let myself step out personally and trust guys because they always end up leaving and they always end up hurting me.

I could not deny that she hit the nail on the head.

We talked some more about all of it and it got me thinking.

 The only reason I have not said anything to him is because I am scared to let him in.

Because although I have shared a lot with him, there is still a lot he does not know.

Because I am afraid that by opening myself up to the possibility of letting him love me I will be deeply hurt if it does not work out with him.

Because by letting him in in such a deep way means he will find out about these fears.

Ultimately I am afraid to open myself up to let him love me because I do not want to get hurt again.

It all comes down to the fact that I am deeply, deeply afraid of letting someone love me.

I am deeply afraid of opening myself up and trusting someone.

He is such a great guy and I feel like God put him in my life for a reason.

As crazy as it seems, from everything I know, he meets the 'list'.

I look forward to being able to see him and spend time with him.

He is the first person I want to share things with, whether good or bad.

He is the one that I feel I can be myself around the most.

He is the quiet but steady strength and encouragement that I need.

He is a man of God and a spiritual leader.

(^^^Such a huge thing!!!!)

He enjoys kids and he is good with them.

 He understands all of the medical stuff I deal with daily.

He understands the legal issues as well.

I could go on but I do not think that I need to.

Just sitting here typing this I am realizing something I had not yet realized.

I am suddenly feeling peace and reassurance about what to do.

It is still going to be a day to day struggle with all of this and the distance.

Yet I believe that if this is what God has planned then it will work out the right way at the right time.

It is all in His hands.

Living Like Jesus | Day 2

The daily reading was Luke 1:26-38.

Here is the link for an online version:

Luke 1:26-38 (NIV)

The SOAP reading was Luke 1:37-38.

37"For no word from God will ever fail." 38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me according to your word." Then the angel left her.

1. The angel points out Elizabeth's pregnancy as a sign that God follows through on what He says, even in what may seem to be the most unlikely of circumstances.

2. Based on the wording of the passage, it seems as though Mary responds to the angel in a calm manner despite the utter confusion she must have been in throughout this encounter.

This passage points out the fact that we need to trust God even when we do not know what is happening or how it is happening. Verse 37 says that God's word never fails and we have to put all of our trust in Him and believer that this is the truth. If we trust Him completely then we will be able to more willingly and more easily surrender to His plan for out lives. We do not know what is going to happen in our daily lives, but we do know that God has promised us so much in His word and He will never fall back on those promises. What He says will happen, will happen. We make look at the circumstances and have no earthly idea of what He could possibly do to chance the situation for the better, but if we put all of our trust and our faith in Him then even the things that seem like impossibilities will happen. 

There will be days when we just look at our lives and think "There's no way this can turn out good."

We will probably also have a moment (or longer) where we think that even God cannot fix the situation and make it work out well and for His purpose.

However, God can surprise us with just how different a situation turns out despite our original thoughts about it.

We just have to willingly submit to Him and His plan and purpose for our lives.

We need to be like Mary.

We need to trust Him and wholeheartedly follow the path/plan He has laid out for us.

This plan may seem completely unrealistic, and maybe from the world's perspective it is, but we have God on our side.

God's plan will always work out even in the face of adversity and hardship.

And I would have to say that just living in this world is part of the hardship.

Yet we know that we will not succumb to the hardship and adversity because God will walk with us the whole way.

God's plans will not fail.

God's word will not fail.

GOD WILL NEVER FAIL. 

Fishing Requires Patience...And A Lot Of It

Growing up there are certain things that parents are almost expected to do.

One of those things for fathers is to take their kids fishing.

To a lot of fathers this may seem like a daunting task for them to handle.

However, it brings much joy and many memories to both the father and the kids.

Most of the first times going will include teaching the kids how to bait their hook (depending on the kids age), how to cast their line, what to wait for while their hook is in the water (maybe watching a bobber), and how to reel in their line when

they have caught the much sought after fish.

The father spends time teaching the kid(s) how to handle their fishing pole in order to cast their line the farthest distance.

Once they know how to properly hold and handle their fishing pole, the father then spends time helping them practice casting their line out.

Now if there is more than one kid, casting out their lines becomes a competition.

They want to see who can cast their lines the farthest out into the body of water.

This will be fun for a while but sooner or later they will once again focus on what they are there to do.

They will cast their line(s) out and be excited to catch a fish.

However, being kids their patience is pretty much zero, so they reel in shortly there after.

Disappointed that they didn't catch a fish they cast their line again.

Again they reel it in not long after they cast out.

They continue doing this and are repeatedly discouraged and dismayed as they are not catching any fish.

This cycle repeats throughout the fishing trips while the child is young.

The goal is that as they get older they will eventually learn the patience that is necessary to fish and they will cast their lines out and then wait as long as it takes, or as long as is possible, to catch a fish.

Once they learn that patience the fishing trips have a whole new meaning and a whole new goal.

The kid(s) looks forward to the fishing trips and all of the fish that they will catch.

This is also a great bonding time for father and son/daughter.

The development of patience in the kid makes the fishing trips much more enjoyable and much less stressful for both parent and kid.

This common experience can easily be related to our relationships with God.

Once we give out lives to Him we are His children.

We are at the beginning of (hopefully) a life long relationship with our Heavenly Father.

At the beginning we are just so full of joy because of our relationship with God.

We give Him everything, or so we seem to.

We give Him all these things and we say that we trust Him to help us.

Yet the minute we lose patience with His timing we give up completely and we decide to assume control again.

When that does not work and we realize we need God to help us out with whatever it is, we give it to Him once again.

This is going well at first and we are hopeful, but things do not go as quickly as we want them to nor do they happen exactly how we want them to, so we once again take the reigns.

We do this over and over in our relationship with God.

We give Him the things in our life that we want Him to change or to have control over (and hopefully this is our whole lives) and we feel so happy and hopeful after we initially do so.

But then life happens.

We see things happening for everyone else and we start to wonder why things are not happening for us.

We question whether or not God is really working.

This eventually leads to us thinking that we know best and we take over and do things our way.

Over time we realize how wrong this is and we surrender things to God and ask Him to help us trust Him and have patience as we wait for His plan to unfold. 

As our relationship with God gets longer and gets stronger He does work in us and we gradually learn to be more patient about waiting for His plan to unfold in our lives.

This eventually leads to us having complete and total trust in God and His plan.

We learn that trusting Him and having patience eventually leads to the greatest rewards.

He rewards us for our trust and patience while we are still on this earth, but He has a reward that far outweighs them.

The ultimate reward for our trust and patience is getting to spend eternity with our Heavenly Father.

The more we trust Him and develop our patience the more joyful our relationship with God will be.

We will have rough times where we are discouraged and dismayed, but with trust and patience He will be with us through those times and He will bring us through them.

The more we cast our lives and our cares on Him and trust Him to handle them rather than reeling them back to ourselves the better our lives will be and the greater joy we will find in our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and he will sustain you;

he will never let

the righteous be shaken."

-Psalms 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Remember to cast your cares, your anxieties, and overall, your life onto God and He will take care of you!!

Putting my trust in him & Him

(Yes, I know I am writing this at 6am, but I can't seem to get it off my mind and there is no one around to talk to about it at this point of time. And hey, at least it wasn't written at 5am when I woke up.)

There are days when I just question this whole relationship thing.

This past week has been full of those days.

Today is most likely going to be one of those days.

It's not that I question whether it will happen one day or not.

Or if there is a guy out there who will actually want to be in a relationship with me.

Rather, I would like to know how long I need to wait for all of this.

How many times do I have to watch a guy come into my life who would make a great boyfriend and possibly an awesome spouse one day just to watch him walk out?

When will I not be the one friend in the group who isn't in a relationship?

Some of you are probably thinking i'm just being a typical girl here.

(And maybe I am, but I don't do this very often so it's okay.)

But I seriously wonder things like that.

For those of you who know me, and those who know the summer mission team, you probably are taking a guess that these questions pertain to a particular person.

I'll admit it, you're not entirely wrong.

Everyone basically just considers the two of us dating regardless of the fact that he hasn't initiated anything.

I'm pretty sure that he now knows my side of things (thanks to the guys) and i've known his for a while.

There is just one thing that has really prevented anything from happening.

The oh-so-lovely distance.

And although I wish his decision was different, I respect his decision to not initiate at this point because of that.

And there is the chance that things will change in the future, near or not so near.

I just wish that the whole waiting thing wasn't so hard.

It's not easy to wait for him when there are constant reminders of what could be.

I have an engaged roommate, the two other girls in our group are both in long distance relationships, my two good guy friends (or as some know them 'brothers') are in relationships (one long distance, one not), and numerous other friends and people I know who are in relationships, some of which are now getting engaged.

Then you add in the daily reminders of him that come from the guys, my roommate, my friends, church family, and others.

I get that you all just give me crap about this whole thing because you care about me and everything.

You do it because you love me and you're just teasing.

And i'm good at just putting on the smile and maybe even laughing a bit.

There are times however when I just wish you knew what the constant teasing does.

Not only does it constantly bring him back to the front of my mind, most often right after I've finally gotten focused on something else entirely.

But it does kind of hurt a little having this whole thing be like a running joke for everyone.

And I just kind of have to sit here and take it.

It's not easy having to wait, especially when you know you both want it to happen.

It just isn't any easier with all of this.

People say to not think about the whole relationship thing (matter of fact they just did on a status of mine last night), but I really cannot get away from it.

The whole relationship thing is in my face 24/7.

I mean I'm pretty sure if I could remember my dreams it would probably be there too. No joke.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he was here too, but i'm dealing with all of this by myself.

There's no one here to talk about it with or go through it with.

Luckily for him he is 4 1/2hrs away and does not get the daily bombardment.

Most days I just wish the distance wasn't so great.

Some days I think we're okay with where we're at right now.

Everyday I wish I could just turn off the constant flow of relationship talk and the teasing.

Yet at the same time...

Everyday I'm trusting that God is working all of this out in His timing.

I may spend a lot of days frustrated and confused with all of this, but He knows what is going on.

Maybe all of this is just part of what I have to go through in order to truly be ready for what is coming.

For all I know today could be the day this all changes (although it is highly unlikely).

Or maybe that day won't happen until Christmas Break.

Who knows?

All I know is that even through the trials I go through on a day to day basis, God is working on my behalf.

He knows what is going to happen between the two of us, even when we don't.

I'm jut trying to learn to trust God in this whole thing.

And i'm also learning that respecting his decision not to initiate at this time means that I also need to trust his decision making, even when it may not be the easiest thing for me to do.

He is doing what he feels is best and I have a feeling that he has prayed about it.

If he felt it were the right thing to do he would have initiated already.

This whole thing needs to start off on the right foot, which is for both of us to trust God in His timing.

It's not easy with everything being thrown at us, or at least at me since I don't know what he is going through, but if it is meant to be then it will work out regardless of it all.

So while I may get frustrated with everything, I am learning through it all to trust the guy who is 4 1/2hrs away and the Man Upstairs. 

It takes a lot for me to do that, but I feel like it will be worth it one day.

What If It's A Father I Need

A lot of you may now what this week was, but many may not.

This week was Suicide Awareness Week.

TWLOHA, or better known as To Write Love On Her Arms, has been spreading work of Suicide Awareness all week and they do so all throughout the year as well.

TWLOHA's goal is to have people write the word 'love' on their wrists in whatever language(s) they want.

This spreads the word because often people will ask why it is written on your wrist.

You then are given the chance to talk with someone about TWLOHA and suicide awareness.

This is something I take part in whenever possible.

I have a direct reason to based on friends and family who have committed suicide and then my own past.

This will probably be shocking to many of you, maybe not so much some or at least a few of you who may read this, but I myself came close to calling it quits.

Freshmen year of high school I was so stressed and overworked and I didn't know how to handle things or if people even cared at all, so I didn't think anyone would miss me if I ended it all.

Thankfully I had an awesome best friend at the time who helped me out.

He reminded me that even if no once else would have cared that I was gone, he would.

Just knowing that made the thought of ending it all seem pointless.

Had it not been for him who knows where I would be, let alone if I would even be here.

So a HUGE thank you goes out to Stephen and everything he helped me through that year!!

Now for more news.
We had chapel this morning here at my university.
Our chaplain had a student share her testimony as part of the service.
Sadly I could relate to quite a few parts of her story and it actually got me thinking about my past.
She mentioned that she has learned how to trust God as her Father even though her earthly fathers failed her.
It got me thinking and I realized that I still have not accepted that God really, truly is the only Father I need.
And He is my Heavenly Father.
My earthly father may have failed me many of times, but He will not.
It is hard to accept that fact and believe it when I do not know what it's like to have a father I can trust.
A father that I can believe in and trust my life with.
I'm trying to come to terms with this, but it isn't as easy as everyone likes to make it seem.
It is hard to let go of the past and the pain & hurt that comes with it.
He wants me to fully let go of that hurt, that pain, and that anger so that I can fully trust Him.
I just don't know how to go about doing so.
I don't feel like I can just let go of something like that.
It's a part of my past that has made me who I am today and He wants me to let go of it.
I know that if I let go of it then I can truly find my identity in Him and the healing that only He can bring.
I just wish I knew how best to go about it.
I've tried to let it go before but every time I try something comes along and brings it up again.
It seems like it is this chip in my shoulder that I can't get rid of even though I want to.
God wants me to give it all to him and to call Him my Father.
I just need to teach myself how best to go about doing that.
I am trying, however, and will continue to do so until I figure it out.

I Will Go LORD, Send Me

For years I have sat through church service after church service about missions.

I've listened to missionaries who were serving in all kinds of different world areas.

I've spent years wishing I could go to where they were and do what they were doing.

However, I always felt like I was getting a negative response from people about doing that.

It felt like people were trying to push me away from it.

So I haven't shared my thoughts about going overseas with very many people.

I would love to live overseas and to do mission work, especially with kids.

Or even doing something where I could work with my hands and help out.

I just want to be able to go do something.

Yet I feel like people will not understand when I tell them.

The last several months it seems as thought the topic of missions work has been a pretty steady and common part of my life.

I do not know why it just so happened to be at this time, but it did.

So for months I have been contemplating this idea.

I have looked at the websites of many a missions agencies lately.

The opportunities are numerous.

And I have found a few as of late that have a high focus on kids.

One is next summer in Jordan and I really, really want to go on that one.

The other is one that I want to do but don't plan on any time soon since it is a long term commitment.

There is just one thing that I am trying to figure out.

My major.

Currently I am studying Sociology and Criminal Justice.

Neither of those are exactly prime majors for doing missions work.

The thing is, I do not know what major to even consider for it.

And how do I go about getting my mom to agree with it.

And changing it now would be kind of crazy since I've already signed up for classes.

I just feel like I am totally and completely lost when it comes to this.

I've been asking God to show me what it is that He wants me to do, but I just really want to know what to do with all of this stuff going through my mind.

I have spent some time reading my Bible and I came across a verse that fit me.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying,

"Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

And I said, "Here I am, Send me!"

-Isaiah 6:8

I just want to go where He wants me to go and I want to do what He wants me to do.

I just feel like i'm at a crossroad right now and I don't know what to do.

I am trusting that He will send me where He wants me.

I am praying that I'll be able to discern what it is He wants me to do.

It is all in His hands and I am anxious to find out what it all is.

(As soon as I typed 'anxious', Philippians 4:6 came to my mind. Irony.)

I have also been listening to (and signing) Starfield's song "I Will Go" a lot lately.

He needs people to go and I am willing.

I just wish I knew in what capacity He wants me to go in.

But like I said before, I am surrendering it all to Him and trusting in His plan.

It will all work out in accordance with His will and His timing.

Falling at the feet of my Heavenly Father

These days it isn't uncommon in the least for children to not have a one or even both of their parents. In this world no one seems to think twice about it.

Divorce is common place and children grow up never knowing their parents.

It is more common for the father to leave, although it seems like this is changing these days.

The negatives of growing up without a father are constantly growing.

I myself have had to deal with this very issue.

Due to this I have had problems in my life, both in my relationships and my spiritual walk.

It is fairly easy to guess what the issues in relationships are.

However, it may not be so easy to see how it has impacted my relationship with Jesus.

Growing up without a positive fatherly image in my life has caused me to have trust issues along with many other issues I do not think are worth sharing at the moment.

This trust issue has caused me to not look positively at father figures.

Consequently this has made looking at God as a Father.

Trusting Him to be the Father that I have never had (and in all honesty could never have) is something that I have been struggling to do.

Many times throughout the past school year this was talked about by speakers in chapel.

It is something that I have been working on throughout this past year.

Many floor Bible studies also brought up the topic.

For some reason I just have trouble fully wrapping my mind around the thought that God is also my Heavenly Father.

I am not sure what keeps me from accepting it other than the fact that I previously mentioned.

I was reading my Bible today and ran across a couple verses that seemed to just click with me.

5A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.

6God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing.

-Psalm 68:5-6a

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."

-2 Corinthians 6:18

Even though I may not have had a father in my life showing me how a father is supposed to treat his children, there is a God who wants to show me how a true Father is supposed to treat His children.

My Heavenly Father has shown me and continues to show me what it is like and how blessed I am to be His child.

He is constantly protecting me and blessing me.

Like the Psalm says, God has placed me in a family.

He has placed me in an adopted extended family that is absolutely incredible!!

(I also don't get to see often enough!! This past week of Family Reunion was a blessing!!)

On top of that He has placed me in an amazing church family at Journey that I am continuously being blessed by whenever I am with them!!

God has shown me what it is truly like to be a child of the one Father who loves me unconditionally, continuously shows me grace and mercy, and never leaves me.

He is my Father and He always will be.

An earthly father may fail but my Heavenly Father will never fail.

Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. -Psalm 27:10

God will give me the strength I need!!

It's been a while since I have been able to post...(actually only like a week and a half...ish...)

There is so much going on my life at the moment and I feel like the devil is trying his hardest to push me over the edge, to push me to my limits. I feel like he is trying to tear me apart, especially on the inside. 

Everything with my parents divorce is coming at me fast. Financial issues, psychological issues and what I would call manipulation, emotional stress, and just stress in general.

I feel like the devil is using this situation to his advantage.

I constantly feel like this situation is defeating me. It is seemingly overwhelming and having a disastrous effect on my life. It is affecting everything from family relationships to my life 

here in Illinois with college and everything that goes with that.

I feel stuck and like I cannot do this college thing. 

Why??

Because of financial issues that have been brought up by this divorce. 

My mom cannot afford to pay for the bill and I do not have the money to do so either. 

Tax money was supposed to pay for the rest of my bill from this past year, but due to my 'father' not splitting the money with my mom like he is supposed to, my mom cannot pay the bill. 

This is leaving me to pay the bill with the money that I am working for this summer by working full time at my college all summer in the custodial department. 

I would not say that this is the ideal situation. For me or my mom.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I feel like the devil is using this to make me feel like I am failing and like I cannot get beyond this.

And I honestly would like nothing better than to get beyond this situation.

God provided the money for me to even be here to begin with, so I am not questioning whether or not I am supposed to be here. (Not yet anyways...)

Yet I have this feeling that the financial side of this whole college thing is not going to pan out for a second year and that scares me.

I do not want to leave Olivet. Not in the least.

Yet I feel like I am continuously at the edge of not being able to return this fall.

I know all of these negative feelings and thoughts are from the devil himself, as God would not put such thoughts in my head, but for some reason they seem like the truth. 

I need to let go and let God.

I cannot let the devil win over my thoughts and feelings.

I can do this with the help of the Almighty!

This situation is not me, but how I react to and deal with it will define part of who I am.

I cannot let the devil have any part in my reaction to the situation 

or how I handle the situation.

The devil will not win.

God will!!

God has!!

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength!"

Trust

noun
- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence
- confident expectation of something; hope
- to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something
- to have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on
- to believe


It is amazing how much trust that gets put into various people and things every day. Earthly things are held on a pedestal unlike they were in Bible times. We trust that our car will get us where we need to go without breaking down. We trust that our computers will let us finish our work, our paper, or our project without crashing. We trust that our heater will work correctly all winter so we don't freeze. We trust light bulbs to work so that we can see without using a candle. We trust that our electricity will continue working so our food doesn't go bad and our technology will continue working. We trust that the locks on our doors will keep robbers, kidnappers, and arsonists our of our house while we are sleeping. We have a habit of putting our trust in earthly, material objects. There is also the overwhelming tendency to trust other people.


Have you noticed how we like to trust people with every part of our lives? Our hopes, fears, dreams, desires, wishes. Even a lot of times our safety. We as humans feel this undying need to have another human know it all and to care about it all. We want to trust them with all of ourselves. It is like we do not feel complete unless there is someone that we can put all of our trust in. As human beings this is just our nature. God has created us to want that human connection, to want to trust each other. Unfortunately, we are society, a world, that is utterly broken. This trust that we desire is given and received, but it is also far to often broken. It is taken advantage of and because of that we are taken advantage of. All too often we find ourselves all alone and on our knees crying out for someone to care, for someone that we can truly trust. The thing is, this is a never ending cycle. We trust someone with all of ourselves, they break that trust and we get hurt, we find ourselves alone with the pain, then someone comes along and ensures us that we can trust them. So we do. This goes on and on and on. It is one of the worst parts of society.


I know I have been apart of this cycle. I find a friend and we get close, I trust them with everything, all of my secrets, only in the end to have them leave me. I find myself alone and crying out, silently it seems all too often, for someone to care and for someone that I can trust who will not leave. It has been a never ending cycle my whole life. One that I hope will come to an end at some point in the near future. I do not know how much longer I can stand it. Thing is, friends come and go & relationships are not all that my life is centered on, but there is one relationship that we need. We need that relationship that we are all given at birth, or at least given a chance at. We need a relationship with our parents, both of them, mother and father. This is a relationship that is essential to our growth as humans, yet one that few get the chance of having these days. This is due to out of wedlock births, rape, adoption (sometimes), war, famine, divorce, and many other things. However, it seems like divorce is one of the most prevalent these days. Marriage are falling apart like it is nothing. The most important trust relationship two people can have on this earth and it seems like few people are able to maintain these relationships. I myself have witnessed more marriages fall apart than I care to even count. One of these being that of my parents. My father never truly cared. I listened to the fights at night over money, food, and other things. Due to my parents inability to have a healthy relationship I never ended up having a relationship with my father. I feel like I should have been able to trust him and I could not and still cannot. I see friends deal with the same thing, but while I am here at college I listen to all these girls talking about their dads and all the memories they have and will make. It hurts to know that the relationship that I should have trusted the most is the one that I do not have nor will I ever have. 


Trusting people is not something I do very easily at all. I do not feel like I can trust people therefore I do not open up to anyone because when I do they leave and I get hurt. I know that this is not something I should worry about because God has me in His hands and I can trust Him with every aspect of my life. Even when the rest of the world does not have my trust, God has it and I know that He is the only one that ever needs my full trust. His plans for my life are incredible I am sure and I have no doubt that He has someone down the road waiting for me who I will be able to trust completely. My trust is in my Heavenly Father and that is where I find my comfort, hope, and peace. God is my loving Father and I feel like the luckiest daughter in the world!