Hey everyone! I know it's been a couple weeks since I have posted anything of significance. On one hand I feel bad about that and I have been wanting to so desperately, but on the other hand I don't think I have been in the greatest place to post anything. The last few weeks have been straight up crazy and stressful! I moved into my apartment on August 23rd (pictures coming soon!) and basically was put straight into school mode. I was running around working on taking care of finances, class schedule, and what seems like a billion other things.

Classes officially started on Aug. 27th. Within the first week I felt way behind because of the amount of reading and such that is required in some of my classes. Between all of my classes I have three different journals to do. One is a daily devotional journal, one is a reading journal for all assigned texts and articles, and the other is a Theological reflection notebook. Throw in at least one page of reflection for the devo journal and the theo reflection journal after reading through everything, plus going through and reading texts/articles and doing a clearly defined reading notes journal and you have one stressed lady. I have just had a really hard time keeping up. Although I know that part of what was the problem last week was the fact that I was sick all week. I literally slept away the first half of the week and then worked my butt off to catch up with what I could before the end of the week. Nothing like having some crazy cold, respiratory and bronchitis nonsense to start off the semester. But hey, it's out of the way now.

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Anyways, to get to what I really want to spend some time talking about. Despite the constant presence of people the last few weeks, in the form of roommates, friends, church family and classmates, I have had an all too familiar and not generally enjoyed feeling. I have felt pretty alone. I am not saying that I have been lonely since that is practically impossible in my current situation. It is almost an irony to say that I feel the least alone when I am sitting in a quiet, dark room by myself. I find myself in crowds and groups and I feel like the outsider, the one looking in and watching. There is a sense of disconnect and I am not sure why or how to fix it.

(...I couldn't find a source for this that the campus internet would let me open)

Personally this is not the first time in my life that I have felt this way and I doubt that it will be the last. I know that there is a very good chance that some of my issue with this is based on my personality, as well as some past issues. Yet it still does not change the fact that it is not a fun feeling. It can be hard going through your days feeling like you don't belong and like no one would notice if you were not there. That consuming feeling of being alone in the midst of so many people. It has been wrapped around me this week and I just cannot shake it. Going to chapel has not done it, Bible study has not done it, quiet time and devotionals have not done it. Praying and solitude have not done it.

It has been invading my mind and I am hoping that I can break through this before it becomes something bigger than it is or needs to be. I do not want to be sitting here in a week or two still feeling this. I want to enjoy life and being with friends without forcing a smile, a pleasant attitude and a bunch of small talk. I do not want to feel like I have been sitting in a dark room by myself with no company and no sunlight. Yet I cannot seem to bring myself to the point where I feel like I am completely enjoying being around people. This is a hard thing to process and get past when life revolves around being social. My safety zone has been whenever I manage to get time alone in the apartment and I can shut the blinds/curtains, turn off all the lights, shut off anything making noise and just embrace the silence, the darkness. Part of what is bugging me lately is that I rarely get a moment of quiet, of peace.

I need to recoup, to refocus, but I have been lacking the ability to do so these last few weeks. This ended with me basically word vomiting via Facebook messenger to a great friend who listened to me while he was on his way to Kentucky with his PR band. I also ended up hastily leaving the apartment on Sunday afternoon to sit in the lower level of Ludwig Center in an attempt to have some quiet. There were no more than 4-5 other people in the whole lower level at any given moment. It was like a brief moment of heaven. This week i've really come to think through the fact that while I don't mind being alone, I do mind being lonely. Everything makes sense in that context, or at least most of it. Sometimes it is hard being the only single lady in your apartment. Everyone talks about their significant other and I get to play the 'third wheel' a lot of times. Such is life.

I just really am feeling like I am stuck in a rut and I cannot get past it. This feeling is just gripping me and while I am used to it I know that I often let myself get to used to it, to familiar with it. I get comfortable with the feeling. I know that God is here and that He has things under control but it does not seem to be of any help at the moment. I could really use prayer this week concerning this. That God will just make His presence felt and that this feeling will stop consuming my thoughts and emotions.

I'm sorry for kind of using this as an emotions vent at the moment, but I just needed to write it out.

I hope y'all have a great week!!

God Bless!

The Table: Who's Invited?

Last week I talked about the significance of the table in our lives. So many memories are made around the table, so many friendships. We gather around the table to share food, company and stories. The table is a part of our daily lives. When we are around the table we seem to be more honest, more genuine as we talk and share with one another. 

 

As Christians we gather around the table to share and talk about our faith. We seek to be filled and nourished when we come to the table. The table is where we get the bread that sustains us both physically and spiritually as we go about our lives. Because of this it is important that we know who is around our table (symbolical of the church) as we seek to be nourished.

The Host

First we have the host or the person who is serving the food and/or providing a place to gather. The host is who decides what is going to be served, how it is going to be served and when it will be served. The host takes time and careful consideration to decide exactly what food they will serve. What does everyone like? What foods will taste good but still be reasonably healthy? What foods should I stay away from or avoid serving? And so on and so forth. The host carefully makes all kinds of decisions about the food, the preparation and the presentation. 

In the church the host is often times the Pastor. Sometimes the host is the Bible study leader, Youth Pastor, or Children's Ministry Director. The person that is in this role changes depending on what is going on. The host is in charge of deciding what Biblical information they are going to share with the congregation of believers who are gathered. They decide what passages to use and what way they are going to interpret them or go about explaining them. As they decide this they should be in prayer asking God to confirm that they are sharing what needs to be shared each week. They also have the responsibility to make sure that what they are sharing and the way that they are interpreting a passage is theologically sound. They are providing the nourishment for the believers who have gathered around the table. They are responsible for providing something that is going to nourish all of those who have gathered regardless of where they are in their walk.

The Mature (Strong) Christian

The next person at the table is the mature or strong Christian. They often times have grown up in church or have been a Christian for several years. They are certain of their beliefs. These Christians have spent years learning about God and striving to grow in their walk with Him as they go about their daily lives. They often times are the ones who are there to help the host. They may help provide the meal, or in the case of the church, teach. They make sure that things are ready for others who come. They help others along as they struggle through questions and doubts. 

Mature Christians still come to the table for nourishment and they need to. They need to get nourishment, but when they come to the table often times they are sharing with and answering questions of the new Christians and unbelievers first. As mature Christians we know that we can get our nourishment later on through a Bible study, small group or devotional. We know where to go to get the nourishment that we need. Our primary goal is to guide those who don't know how to get that nourishment or need help digesting it. 

The New (Young) Christian

The new or young Christian is someone who is coming to the table having only been a Christian for a short time in most cases. They have come for nourishment and community. They are seeking information, answers to questions, and friends who share their beliefs. Often times they have only been Christians for a couple years or less, although others may have been Christians for many years but never really did much to strengthen and grow in their walk. These Christians need the guidance and help of the Mature Christians as they attempt to gain nourishment at the table. They need to ask questions and share their doubts, talk about their stories. The Mature Christians should be sharing their stories and their experiences with the New Christians so that they can learn. These young Christians have a strong need for the nourishment that the host is providing. It is essential to their growth daily as they go about their lives. 

The De-churched/Un-churched (Unbeliever)

Last, but most certainly not least, is the dechurch and unchurched who come and gather at the table. They are in desperate need of the nourishment that is being provided at the table. This nourishment is the difference between life and death. The host, the mature Christian and the young Christian need to welcoming to them as they gather with them. They either have never been a part of a church or faith community before or they have been detached from one due to being hurt at their last one. They often are hurting and searching for something, someone to help and heal them. They come for refuge and for nourishment. They are looking for a place in which they can be real with others and where they can find truth and comfort. They are searching for Him but they don't necessarily know that, especially those who are unchurched. This is where those who are Christians must step in and help them get that nourishment and digest it.

As we gather around the table there is a need for all of these people to be there, especially as the church. We are all seeking nourishment and the table is where we find that. This is why the table is a necessary part of our lives. Without the table we get weak. It is the place that we come to when we need to be filled again, when we need to be real with those around us and soak up what He has for us. 

There is a dangerous habit that can form though. As we come to the table and we are fed and nourished, many times we get so focused on feeding ourselves that we sit at the table and we don't leave or we don't help feed others. This is especially important for mature Christians. We must step away from the table and go out and share with and nourish those around us, those we come in contact with. What good is that nourishment if we never use it to grow others? We must be careful that we are not sitting at the table and not leaving.

Gathering at the table is so wonderful and it is such a blessing to be able to, but there are two things that I think are important. First, our table must be open to everyone no matter where they are in their walk with God. Second, we must get up from the table and go share with those who cannot make it to the table. The Bible says that where two or three are gathered He is there...so whether there are many or just a few, gather around the table, share some great food and be real with one another as you share in each others' lives. 

Who are you inviting to the table? Who can you invite? How can you go out and share with those who are not able to get to the table?

 

The Table: What Is The Significance?

When I think back over my life and relive all kinds of memories, the very best memories and moments all seem to have taken place around one central point, whether in part or in whole. This central point just so happens to be the table. It wasn't always your typical table. Sometimes the table was a makeshift one in the middle of the living room floor or a park, sometimes the table was a fancy dining room table. Sometimes it was our own laps and other times it was porch railings. The form that the table took was never inherently important. What truly mattered was who was around the table. 
In some instances the people around the table were close family and friends, people I had known most of my life if not my whole life. There were times that they were friends I had known only a short time, acquaintances I knew merely by name, and sometimes they were people I met when they sat down. The variety of people is incredible to me. So many faces, personalities and stories have been gathered around these tables throughout my life. I have spent many, many hours around tables sharing funny stories and laughing with some of my closest friends and family. I have spent just as many hours around tables just sharing about life and learning the basics about people's lives. I have also spent a significant amount of time around tables sharing sorrows and pains and crying with people. The number of people has been different every time, but the honesty and truthfulness has been there regardless. Sometimes there are 30-40 of us taking up two long tables that we put into an L-shape where we are rubbing elbows the entire time while laughing constantly. Other times it is a one-on-one coffee date where we are talking about the hard parts of life.
No matter what form the table or the company takes, there is a huge significance to that simple item at the heart of it. The table. When we gather around the table there is almost always food and drink. We come for sustenance and nourishment. We come for great food and wonderful drinks. Most importantly, we come to the table to share our company. We gather around the table with people. The funny part about gathering around the table, with or without food, is that there is something inherently intimate about it. There is a connection that comes with gathering around such a simple item that cannot be imitated. As we gather together it is like our walls drop and suddenly we are vulnerable. I don't know exactly why that happens and I have a feeling it is different for everyone. 
During this last school year my seven roommates and I gathered at 9:30pm on Thursday nights to have a Bible study. We never did get started on time because we came in and would share how our days had went as we found a place to sit. Often times we brought our mugs either already filled or ready to be filled with coffee, tea or hot chocolate, blankets, and food of some sort. Sometimes we made cookies, brownies or cupcakes, other times it was chocolate of some sort, holiday candy, or chips/pretzels. We weren't too picky. The coffee table become a small buffet and we gathered around with Bibles and blankets. The mood was different every week as we all came in with our own burdens and joys. One week we were cracking up at everything and unable to stay serious for more than a couple minutes, and the next we were quiet and contemplative with our comments few. Many nights when we got to prayer requests someone would share a challenge or difficulty in their life and many times there were tears that accompanied it. In the openness and sincerity of the moments in the apartment our struggles both in our walk with God and our daily lives were shared with everyone. We shared the joy and the pain. We were there to celebrate with one another and to grieve with one another. On those nights we gathered around the table to share not only God's word, but our lives with each other. 
Gathering around the table with people is such a wonderful blessing. There are incredible moments and memories that come from the times when we grab a seat around the table and share with those we love. As I get ready to head into another year of school and living in a new apartment with three lovely ladies that I have never lived with before, I am really thinking about and processing the importance of life around the table. Bonds are formed and memories created. I really want to strive to be intentional about the time I spend around the table with others this year. I want to focus on building and strengthening relationships, as well as being open and honest with the people i'm around. There is a whole lot of hospitality that goes along with this, as you open your door and your life for others to come into. Shauna Niequist says the following in her book Bread & Wine: A Love Letter To Life Around The Table, "The heart of hospitality is about creating space for someone to feel seen and heard and loved. It's about declaring your table a safe zone, a place of warmth and nourishment.” I want our apartment and our table to be a place like this. Somewhere for people to come and relax, to share life with us, and to feel welcome at any time. 
What does the table mean to you? How have you been affected by what happens when we gather around the table? Do you see the importance of the table in your everyday life?

Our Youth Are Leaving

A couple days ago I came across an article that someone shared on Facebook. This particular article talked about traits of youth who didn't leave the church after high school. It focused on three traits of those of us who stayed connected with a church. (Here is the article: http://www.faithit.com/3-common-traits-of-youth-who-dont-leave-the-church/#.U9cNAFwS0Zk.facebook) These were the traits they focused on:

1. They are converted

2. They have been equipped, not entertained

3. Their parents preached the gospel to them

After reading through the article I just had to share it because what it said resonated with me. Since I was on of those church kids who was there as much as I could (basically anytime the doors were open...), I could have easily fallen on either side of things based on home life and such. Yet here I am at 21 years of age serving in a year long internship position at my church here in Illinois where I moved to for school. I stayed connected with the church even though I was frustrated with it when I left for school. As I read through the article I couldn't help but think that these reasons that were stated were a big part of the reason why I am still connected and serving in and alongside a church. 

The first point is a big one. So often students proclaim that they are Christians and they attend all of the events and are at the church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. Yet I have to ask...How many of those students are truly converted? How many of them have truly given their life to Him and are seeking daily to follow Him? How many are hearing what we say but in reality are not letting it change them? I'm going to take a guess that the number is higher than any of us want to admit. Yes, the events are fun and it is awesome to have a great attendance, but are they learning and growing while they participate is the question. We need to be teaching them and talking to them with the intent of conversion. We need to pray that God would do a mighty work in their lives and bring them wholly to Him. We can teach them and preach to them week after week and at event after event, but what good is it if they don't experience that true conversion. We should want them to be hungry to know more about Him and to want to serve Him, which is what happens when they give their lives to Him.

This second one really hits a note with me. So often the focus of youth group is merely to entertain the students for an hour or two and maybe throw in a short Bible study time. Nothing to fancy or in-depth, but enough to make it seem like we know what we are talking about and that they are getting something of substance. We get focused on the number in attendance instead of the learning and growth that should take place. Growing up in a church that had activities going on year round both locally and on the district, I am totally an advocate for having good times full of harmless fun and pure goofiness!! Yet I have seen and experienced first hand what happens when we take the focus off of equipping students and put on the fun. How can we expect students to go out and stay connected with a church or share the gospel when we don't equip them with the tools to do so? Once a student has converted and has accepted Him it is our job to help disciple them and teach them so that they can go out and do the same with others. Students should be leaving our ministries knowing how to study their Bible, how to read their Bible, and how to disciple others to become followers. If they don't know these simple things, what good are we doing?

This last one is where I could have went either way when I left home. My mom was a Christian but my father wasn't. So the messages were mixed at home. Yet my mom made us go to church and participate in the various ministries. Did I always enjoy it? No. Did I learn and grow from it? Absolutely. She shared about Jesus at home and faith focused conversation was commonplace. My mom worked in children's and youth ministry, my grandpa was our pastor, and all of my extended family worked or served in ministry to some degree. So as my mom has said, I had no choice. I grew up in it and have now found myself getting a ministry degree in college and serving in various ministries in my church. My mom made sure that the gospel was a part of our lives, whether at home, at church or elsewhere. This is such a key part of raising children who walk with Him faithfully. 

Sadly, so many youth are walking away from the church. This happens often once they have left high school and are on their own. I think that if we want to start keeping our students in the church as they become young adults we really need to make sure that these three things mentioned above are a key part of their lives. For some students the various aspects of this will look different because of life situations, but it can still happen. Students come out of youth group often times lacking the basic knowledge of how to share their faith and what it really means. This alone causes many problems. Throw in lack of support or lack of information coming from home, a church environment focused on attendance and lack of a true conversion...suddenly things are a mess. 

We can so easily fix this for our students. Am I saying it is easy? Not at all. Am I saying that it would be worth it? YES. For us and for them. These students need us to step in and show them what it means to be a true follower. We don't have to have it all together or have all the answers. We just need to be genuine with them. We need to teach them what the Bible says and show them ways to share their faith. As they are leaving home to go to college, especially out of town, we need to encourage them and maybe even help them to find a place to plug in. 

One other aspect, we need to teach parents how to share their faith in their homes. We can do all of this with students but if they are getting a different message at home it makes things so much more difficult. Helping parents to grow in their faith and learn how to disciple others, especially their children, can make a huge difference.

What are your thoughts? Do you agree with the points or disagree? How do you think we can best help our youth? Have you seen something done in ministries at your church that have helped this?

God Bless!

Disorder, Disease & Discovery: A Glimpse Into My Story

Good evening everyone! I told you that today (or tonight...) I would share my story or my testimony with all of you. As I go into this I just want to put out the warning that there will be some touchy subjects, some heavy subjects throughout and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or to stir up anything negative in anyone else because of that. I want to be open with you all and to share with you, but I don't want to cause anyone to stumble. Also, I don't know how long this will be but I will try to keep it somewhat short because I know that long posts can get tiring to read. This is the first time I have posted my story or anything quite this similar, so give me some grace as it will not be anywhere near a perfect draft or where I would like it to be. Here goes...

I was born in upstate New York, specifically Johnson City. I was basically born in church. My mom took me there all the time, same with my sisters when they were born. My grandpa was our pastor pretty much my whole life. My grandma was involved in various ministries, which is expected when one is the spouse of a pastor. We moved out to south central Nebraska when I was five years old. Just a couple years prior my grandparents had moved out there as well. My mom was a Children's Ministry Leader when I was a kid. 

I grew up doing everything in the church. I did Bible Quizzing, went through the whole Caravans program, went to Church Camp every summer, did all of the lock-ins and special events. I was at church whenever the doors were open. I took part in every musical I could. I was in Sunday School every Sunday morning. I was what many called the perfect church kid. I knew all the answers and according to most everyone I didn't do anything wrong, or at least I shouldn't because I was the granddaughter of the pastor and daughter of a children's ministry leader. I didn't think anything of this when I was young. I went along with it.

I accepted Christ when I was 8 years old at Church Camp. I thought God was the greatest and I was on fire for Him. Nothing swayed me and I thought I was set. Once I got to about 5th grade I started to really see another side of the church. I started seeing and experiencing the 'church politics'. I didn't entirely understand it then but I knew it wasn't good. I started becoming disillusioned with the church and I questioned things much more. In 6th grade I started joining the youth group for as many things as I could because I couldn't stand the children's program and the politics that were involved with it. At this point I started doing Teen Bible Quizzing, which is ten times better than Children's Quizzing!

NE Teen Bible Quizzing. Look at how tiny I was!! (I'm way over on the left)

Things at home had never been the greatest, although they weren't terrible. I was used to yelling and fighting about money and other things at night after my sisters went to bed. I thought it was normal and didn't think much of it. We had always had financial issues. Sometimes the issues were small and I didn't notice too much, while other times it was tough enough that we may be without our car for a few weeks or struggling to pull together money to get the basic groceries. Life wasn't easy but I knew people who had it worse. Things started to get worse between my parents in 6th grade. I saw and felt the change. Arguments grew more frequent and often times louder. My fathers anger issues started showing more. He no longer went to church with us, not even for holidays or special occasions. 

The end of 6th grade is when things really started getting hard. At this point my mom was now the Youth Pastor, which put more pressure on me to act and talk a certain way. I had lost my best friend from grade school when I went from the public school to homeschooling after 5th grade, but didn't think much of it as I ended up making a new best friend. This best friend was a year older than me, but our families were pretty close. One Wednesday right after school got out my mom and the other youth pastor got a call and had to leave during our free hour before youth group. I didn't think anything of it and the other teens didn't either. An adult was put in charge and we went on with what we were doing. Later that night I found out what that call was about. My best friend's mom had walked in on him molesting his two younger brothers. I remember that I didn't entirely understand, but I do remember crying as I was told that he would be going to juvy.  This was my first real experience with things really taking a downward turn. 

Abby, Me, My Mom, Amber, Katie and Jamie. We were all good friends at the time!

Middle school proceeded to throw its challenges at me. I had to close friends and that was it. The pressure to be the perfect church kid continued to grow. The people at the church who were the ones who should have been encouraging me, praying for me and helping me through everything were the ones who really tore me down more than anyone else. I remember hearing multiple times from multiple people that no one wanted to hear anything about my thoughts, opinions or feelings. Especially if any of them happened to contradict what and who they thought I should be as the church kid and youth pastor's daughter. I started to dislike coming to church. At the same time things at home got worse. My fathers anger started to come out in more physical ways. Outside of yelling on a regular basis over little things, he started to throw things when he was mad. It started out with small things like remotes and plastic dishes/silverware and grew to pieces of furniture such as chairs. This left holes in walls and sometimes other furniture. He even kicked in a few cabinet doors in the kitchen. I started to be afraid of him. I was afraid to be anywhere by myself with him. I was afraid to be out and about on the first floor of the house when he got home from work or when he was awake and about. I learned to retreat to my room or make plans to be gone. Babysitting become not only a job and something to enjoy, but also a refuge. 

Home was a place I didn't want to be. By the end of middle school things at home were getting pretty bad and I was starting to lean towards a slight hatred of youth group. Mind you I never said anything about church to anyone except the other youth pastor after she left the beginning of my 8th grade year. When your family are the leaders in ministry at the church you keep a lot of things to yourself. By the end of 8th grade I had a mask that I wore day in and day out. I was always smiling and things were always great. I learned to shut my emotions off and not let them dictate anything. No one saw behind the mask. Summer of 2007 was the last somewhat normal summer of my life, at least for a while, but it was also the beginning of a climax in my life. The picture above with my mom in it is one of the last ones I have on my Facebook of her walking.

In August 2007 my mom had an accident of sorts at work. She worked at an assisted living facility overnight and they had cats for the residents. She stepped on one by accident and it bit her. This caused a disorder that was diagnosed a few weeks later. She ended up being diagnosed with RSD/CRPS or Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome. She ended up in a wheelchair and there is no chance that she will walk again. This diagnosis threw a wrench in an already bad situation. What little bit of involvement my father had in our lives was now gone. He went to work and then came home to sit in his room. My mom was laying in bed in pain without the ability to help take care of anyone or anything, not even herself. At 14 years old I was suddenly in charge of taking care of my mom and my sisters. I cooked, cleaned, ran errands, planned out rides when need be, helped my sisters with their school, did my own school, worked basically full time, and many other things. I was stressed but it kept me busy so my mind wasn't thinking about things. It eventually hit too hard and I started to think that people would be better off without me. I didn't think anyone cared nor would they miss me. I was ready to end it all. I had it planned out twice, but thanks to my best friend at the time I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was a struggle to accept the fact that if I was gone that people would be affected. I had a hard time believing that throughout freshman year. 

Volleyball during my Sophmore Year of high school

I met my current bestfriend, Mike, the summer before my sophmore year. Little did I know, but he would become my rock and my one constant (besides God) in the coming years. Sophmore year started out like all of freshman year had gone. My mom's doctors and lawyers appointments and life being dictated by judges. It was only the beginning. Home life was really bad at this point. Bad to the point that I was rarely home and when I was I hid out in my room with my nose in a book in an attempt to block everything out. The end of my sophmore year my father filed for divorce. A four and a half year fight would begin that April. Custody battles started within a couple weeks and a temporary custody schedule was made. We all lived in the same house through that summer which made things hard. When fall came my mom, my sisters and I moved across town to our own place in less than eight hours. We were thrust back into the public school system. I got sick with Swine Flu and came close to hospitalization by the third time I caught it. My immune system was shot and I was still struggling with some of the depression issues that started freshman year. Throw in being forced by a judge to go to my father's place every other weekend and one night a week... I was a mess. I was so afraid to go over there. I subconsciously worked myself up to the point of physical sickness every weekend I was supposed to go. 

Church musical my sophmore year of high school

This was pushed aside until one weekend when it all came crashing down and my mom realized something was wrong. Often times things got so bad when we were leaving to go to his place that my mom, my sisters and I were all in tears and yelling at each other because we were frustrated and hated the situation. One Friday it fell apart for me. I suddenly had an anxiety attack while in the shower after school, although I didn't know that's what it was at the time. I barely finished it before falling to the floor in my bathroom with my towel over me. I was shaking and shivering, my body hurt everywhere, I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe well, I was physically making myself sick, and I felt like I was watching everything happen from outside my own body. My mom came down to get me and found me barely coherent on the bathroom floor. I remember her ending up in tears right there telling me how she wished that she didn't have to make me go. I also remember the doctors appointment the next week that ended with me being put on anxiety medication. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was on meds, still struggling with depression, hated going to church, had all of four close friends, and my family was a hot mess. Not to mention we got evicted at the end of my freshman year as well. 

French class trip to Paris, France

Senior year came along and I thought I was doing better. It was a lie. I had started to believe in the me that everyone else saw. The me that was always smiling and always saying things were great. I wanted to believe in it because I didn't want to focus on the disorderly life I was living. I had my first taste of alcohol the beginning of my senior year. Not enough to get drunk but just enough to help numb things a bit. I also started self harming during senior year as well. Not with anything that would be noticeable. I wasn't that stupid. I took erasers to my wrist, basically using friction to burn through my skin. The marks looked more like a burn from my straightner, thus they were easy to brush off. By this point I had the mask on so much and my emotions turned off so often that I was just wanting to feel something. I wanted to be reminded that I was alive, that I was still able to feel something because I felt so numb. I usually only harmed when I hit low nights where the depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and all the other issues hit all at one time and I was so numb and felt so lifeless that I needed the pain. 

Hanging at a graduation party with my mom and great grandad

I had rededicated my life to Christ the summer before Senior year but wasn't doing a great job at following. I was a mess. I was watching my father pull all kinds of nonsense in front of lawyers and judges. I listened to him threaten to have me sent to juvy amongst other things. I watched as the people at church didn't really pay any attention. I watched as I let different guys come extremely close to crossing lines they shouldn't have. I was craving attention and these guys gave it. I never let the guys I knew get far enough, but if I didn't know them and wouldn't see them I let them say whatever they wanted. The things that were said and talked about shouldn't have even been though of let alone discussed. I was a mess but I was crying out to God in the midst of it all. I was asking to be renewed but I didn't feel like anything was happening.

I went off to college at Olivet Nazarene University in August 2011. I was still struggling with depression, anxiety and self harm. I didn't deal with it as frequently but it was still an issue. After almost failing out at the end of my first semester I finally kicked my butt into gear. That seemed to be the wake up call I needed. I started to see things turn around and I found myself reaching out to God more than ever before. I was praying and seeking Him. I was trusting Him. I knew that in the midst of it all God had been there and He was still there. I don't remember the exact moment it happened, but it was about the time that I got word that I was going to have to petition to stay at ONU that I recommitted to Christ. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew it would be worth it. Through out the last two and a half years I have watched God change my life in incredible ways. It has been a year and a half since I have self harmed in any way. I rarely have anxiety attacks or any terrible moments of depression. I have seen God do some wonderful things in regards to family structure and just my relationships in general. I have watched Him reshape my idea of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Some of the amazing roommates and friends that have helped me so much these last three years at Olivet

After years of struggling through one big downward spiral I came out of it on top. Nothing is perfect nor will it ever be, but looking back I can see how God worked even in the darkness. I see Him in the people that came into my life. I can see His hand in the different circumstances. I can see His presence in so many little things throughout those years. I have no doubt that even when my eyes weren't focused on Him that He was guiding my path. He was protecting me in the midst of my lowest, most dangerous moments. He used it all to bring my eyes back to Him and I am so grateful that He did. His grace and mercy are so overwhelming and I don't deserve them in the least. He has blessed me so much over the last several years and I cannot even begin to express my thankfulness that He never gave up even when He had every right.

I haven't had contact with my father in three years and I still have my moments, but I lean on God in those moments in ways that I didn't before. I am still working on accepting God as my Father due to the negative view I have of fatherly figures due to my earthly father, but i'm getting there. God has blessed me with an amazing church family that has helped me to grow more in my faith, as well as other areas. I have been blessed with the opportunity to be at a great school with amazing roommates and friends. I have been blessed to gain another wonderful district church family that is incredibly supportive and so encouraging. I am reminded daily that even though I didn't lean on God and trust Him the way I should have throughout high school, He is still there and He still loves me regardless of what my past looks like. He is the ultimate Saviour and Healer! I am daily learning how to serve Him better and how to live more and more like Him.

What is your story? How has God worked in your life?

(P.S. The pictures don't particularly have anything to do with the story but they kind of fit the timeline. They also show that even though someone is dealing with depression, anxiety and/or self harm they can and do still live normal lives. You often can't tell that something is wrong, so don't write someone off as not being affected by these things because they very well could be.)

IL Super Summer 2014 || 10/40: Send Me

Hey y'all! I'm finally back from camp. I actually got back on Saturday evening but we had things to do from the time we got back until Sunday evening, so i'm just now catching up with everything. Tonight I just want to do a little recap of what camp was like and how it impacted me even with a bit of a change of roles this year. 

Going into this week I didn't really have a specific role. I went in knowing that I would be fulfilling various roles and obligations throughout the week. I was the worship tech for Broshi for Blue School. I was sort of assistant TLing with one of the small groups a couple times a day. I was helping with tech stuff for worship for evening services each night. I was running lights for evening worship. I was also on call for set up, tear down and whatever else Chad needed throughout the week. I also got a few other little things thrown in there, but nothing time consuming or too strenuous. So I was bouncing from role to role through out the week. This allowed me to see Super Summer from different sides than I had previously. I enjoyed the week and the different aspects of filling the different roles, but I also got to make some observations about how that bouncing around was good and bad for me.

 

Last summer I really got the chance to build relationships with the girls and guys in my school, especially those in my Family Group. This was awesome and I still keep in contact with them. Some of them even came back this summer! I really enjoyed this, but in a tiny way had wished to get to know some of the adults better. Overall I couldn't have asked for a better experience last summer. This summer I was bouncing back and forth between being a part of a school and being a part of exec staff. It was fun, but I feel like I lost that relational aspect, especially when it comes to the students. I got to meet them and get to know them but not on the same level. Yet on the other hand I got to get to know some incredible people on exec staff and continue to build relationships with those I already knew. I absolutely loved getting to do this and it was such a blessing! I think that next year I would prefer to be fully in a school or fully on exec staff. It's hard to build relationships when you're jumping from one to the other constantly. However, I know that God put me where He did this year for a reason. Part of that I have already seen and there is part of it that i'm sure I don't even know yet.

Anyways, here are some pictures from the week. They are all of the evening service, but that's because I didn't have time to pull out my iPad and take pictures at other times throughout the week. 

Super Summer Worship Band practice before students arrived

First night of worship with the students

Chase preaching the second night. I'm chilling in the light booth.

Last night of worship with the students

Chase's last message to the students

The theme of Super Summer this year was 10/40: Send Me. So the whole week was centered around the students learning about the 10/40 Window and how they can make a difference there, as well as right where they live. They learned about the lack of Christianity in the 10/40 Window despite the number of people in it. Blue School was focusing specifically on how you go about sharing the Gospel, whether in the 10/40 Window or elsewhere. I watched students come to tears throughout the week as they felt a definite call to a specific area in the 10/40 Window and some who were called elsewhere. I watched as these students were questioning their faith in the right ways, as they were coming to terms of where they felt God may be calling them and as some came to terms with the fact that God truly loves them regardless of their pasts. 

In Blue School we asked the students to share their testimonies throughout the week. (Blue School is those going into 9th grade in the fall.) Some of the students had simple testimonies which is absolutely wonderful! Some of the students had some heartbreaking testimonies. I watched and listened as these 14 year old students stood up and shared some very serious things. Some admitted that they were diagnosed with Suicidal Depression in 5th and 6th grade. Others shared of the physical abuse that they and their other parent suffered from their fathers. Many shared of painful divorces and fathers who walked away. The things that I faced in high school these students are facing in grade school. One girl in my school was the daughter of one of the pastors who was a leader in another school and she had been struggling with some very serious things. She had come last week but at the beginning she had seemed hesitant to open up and she seemed like she didn't really want to be there, but at the end of the week she stood up and shared her testimony. I was close to tears when many of them shared their stories. 

These students who bravely got up and shared their stories in a room with quite a few people they had only just met that week made me realize something. How often do I share my story, even with people I know well? How often am I brave enough to stand up and share what God has done in my life without feeling like someone would judge me? Do I have enough faith to stand up and share what He has done even when it puts me outside of my comfort zone?

So tomorrow I will be posting my story. I don't know what impact it will have, if any, but I think that sharing it on here is a good place to start. I don't know how long it will be or how detailed, but it will be here. 

This week was a great one and i'm sure that I will share a little more as time goes forward, but that was just a tiny recap and some thoughts that have been running through my head about it since being back. The next few weeks will be crazy as we have a missions team coming in and then head off for our second week long camp of the summer. I'm still struggling with the concept that it's already July. How did it get here so quickly?!

Anyways, i'm going to be working on writing my story tonight while listening to some music. I hope you all have a great night.

God Bless!

Somebody's Chesea

Throughout this past school year I watched many, many friends and classmates get their "Ring by Spring", a.k.a. get engaged. Some of them were close friends and some were just acquaintances from classes. Either way there hit a point where I wondered if our whole class was going to be engaged before the school year was over. It was an exciting time for them and I was just as excited for them as they embarked on this new stage of their lives. Many of our conversations have revolved around dresses, shoes, flowers, locations, decorations, number of bridesmaids and so on. I've seen and skimmed more wedding magazines in the last year or so than I have in my life. Wedding talk was a norm throughout this school year and for the most part it was fun. I really enjoyed being able to help them bounce ideas around and flesh some things out. There were some days though where it was hard to sit there and listen to all this talk of weddings when you're sitting there single.

The group of us girls and the group of guys we interact with have made the joke that all but a couple of us are single. There were two engagements in my fairly immediate groups of friends. There are one or two dating couples. The majority of us though are still single with no likely prospects on the horizon. Now that is not saying that we all don't have our eye on someone because we definitely do (at least most of us). It's just that the likelihood of any of us actually coming to be in a relationship with the person we have our eye on is either pretty slim or we're friends with the person and there would be a lot riding on that decision if we moved forward. 

We all are enjoying being a part of our friends' weddings and getting to share and celebrate them as they make this transition into married life. It is so exciting to see them taking these steps together! Yet I know that sometimes it is hard to be surrounded with so many people getting married when you have yet to end up finding someone to even date. It can be a bit of a downer, especially for those of us who are going into our senior year of college and are all going to be 22 or 23 within the next year and a half or so. I know that some of our sentiments regarding marriage comes from how we grew up and the college that we attend, but it can still be discouraging. Throw in parents, extended family and church family asking every time they see you if you're dating anyone yet, if you're interested in anyone and if there is anyone you would like to eventually marry. Or a myriad of other questions dealing with the subjects of dating and marriage.

Personally I get my mom and grandma asking me when me and a close friend of mine are going to start dating and eventually get engaged. In recent months church family here has started asking if anything is going to happen between the two of us. I don't know if anything will happen. Although we have been throwing out the idea of getting married for almost two years. We've talked about it pretty seriously multiple times, but haven't acted on it. One of the main benefits being reduced tuition at school. We've legitimately talked about it multiple times and pretty much everyone I know has said that they think it would be great. My family thinks that it would be absolutely wonderful in every way, even the family who hasn't met him. Yet here we sit both single and while being pretty serious about it we aren't making any serious moves that direction.

It just gets a little hard watching multiple weddings this summer (i'm in the double digits so far...) along with other engagements. But I am trusting God with it even when it's hard. He has a plan and I know it is good. I just need to remember that things will fall together in alignment with His plan when they are supposed to.

This song came to my mind yesterday and it pretty well describes most of my thoughts lately. Enjoy!

Currently I Am:

Making: Cute little wrapped gifts for volunteers at church and new blog posts!
Cooking: just finished making Raspberry Fudge Zebra Brownies. Yummy!

Making the Zebra Brownies with Caitlyn!

Drinking: a nice big, caffeinated cup of Pepsi
Reading: Our Last Great Hope: Awakening The Great Commission by Ronnie Floyd
Wanting: to see one of my most favorite people ever, my bestfriend Mike whom I haven't seen in a year and a half :(
Looking: like a tired hot mess. But for real though.
Wasting: precious time I could be using to sleep or do something productive to make work tomorrow easier...
Wishing: that I had a car, Nebraska wasn't so far away and that I was already done with college.
Enjoying: getting to finish the first season of Arrow!!
Waiting: for some things to happen and for them to fall in place in the best way possible
Liking: having some other college students finally around for more than just Sunday mornings.
Wondering: Why my body seems to want to go to bed but every time I try to get ready i'm suddenly wide awake again? Why, oh why must this happen night after night?!
Loving: friends and church family who have opened their arms and welcomed me into their homes and their lives.
Hoping: that I will be able to "catch up" on sleep...although it is likely impossible
Smelling: like a man. Good ol' Old Spice deodorant.
Wearing: my absolutely favorite Steve & Barry's hoodie that says Unathletic Dept. across the front and has holes in the sleeves. Most comfortable thing I own!
Noticing: that even at 21, these late nights sure do start to take a toll...I'm getting old lol.
Knowing: that God has a plan for me and for the summer that will far exceed anything that I try to plan out
Thinking: that i'm gonna hit the hay soon. And it's only 11:05pm...What?!
Giggling: about memories from this past school year :)
 Feeling: like a mix of different, random emotions. Also, like a zombie.

So, What are you up to?

A Father To The Fatherless

Image courtesy of daughtersneedafather.org

 Normally it doesn't matter what my past looks like with the exception of times when people who want to or need to talk about something and I can share a relevant experience to help. I don't make it a habit to share it on a regular basis, but I accept that it is a part of who I am and how I go about life. The things in my past have helped to bring me to where I am and turn me into the person that I am. I have been lucky to come out on the better side of things. However, it still isn't always easy to talk about it.

Out of nowhere I was asked about my father on two different days this week, back to back. Two slightly different questions both of which ended up receiving the same answer. Both of which meant that I had to talk about the fact that I have not had any contact with my father in almost three years. Not that is a surprise at all to me with his history. He never was really interested in being involved in my life and the older I got the less interested he was. Throw in financial issues, long-term medical conditions, a divorce, lawyers, judges, and a whole slew of family history and it was one hot mess. 

He stopped being interested when I was in mid to upper elementary school. I learned quickly that I was better off to avoid interacting with him the majority of the time. His anger issues didn't make talking to him easy, helpful or beneficial. Often I just talked to my mom and asked for her permission for things. By the time I hit middle school I knew when to avoid him and how to go about doing so. I spent many days and evenings away from home in an attempt to not have to interact with him. By the time high school rolled around I spent so little time at home that my lack of time there caused him to get angry with me. After my mom's diagnosis with a rare nerve disorder and then their divorce, I barely interacted with him except for a rare occasion on one of his weekends or Tuesday nights. By the time I was just about two months away from leaving for college he told me that he could care less if I showed up for visitation or even made contact with him. So for my sanity I didn't. I walked away and have kept my distance out of safety for myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I tried contact once and it was never returned. The one time he attempted contact it was merely in an attempt to get revenge on my mom. I decided then that it was better for me at this point in time to not have contact.

This has made things hard for me with regards to my faith. I listened to so many people refer to God as Father. They talked about all of the qualities He had of a father figure. All these good things that fathers supposedly had. However, I didn't grow up experiencing those things so I found it hard to believe that God could possibly be all of those things. That He could possible be the perfect Father. I kept making excuses for why I couldn't accept that fact, none of which involved the whole experience with my earthly father. I didn't want to admit that the reason I struggled accepting it was because I hadn't experienced anything good with my father. I struggled with it for a long time. One of the times that really made me rethink it all and process it in a new light was the message that Reggie Dabbs gave at NYC 2011. I was reminded that God is so much bigger and so much better than any earthly father, even the good ones. He didn't want me to experience what I did because of my earthly father, He didn't want me to be hurt by him. But it happened and He has come to bring me through it and to show me what the Father is truly like. 

It has been a heck of a ride and it hasn't been an easy one. Do I still have days where I struggle accepting God as being the Father? Yeah, I do. Do I still have a hard time referring to Him as Father? Absolutely. Do I always remember and fully believe all of the aspects that make Him the most perfect Father? No. I am not always good at remembering the reasons why He would think that I am worthy to be His daughter. I still struggle every now and then to accept that He truly is the perfect Father, especially on bad days. There are many days where it is still hard for me to refer to Him as Father, because that word conjures up so many not so great memories. It is a struggle often and in many forms, but I am constantly trying. I am constantly asking Him to help me to come to fully acknowledge and accept that He is the perfect, never failing Father. That He is the Father that will never leave, never forsake and never extort. He forgives me when I fall short of His will for me. He blesses me a thousand times more than I could ever ask. He gives me grace that I have not earned nor do I deserve. His love for me still amazes me on a daily basis. I may not have been blessed with a good earthly father, but I have a Heavenly Father who far surpasses him in every way.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing." -Psalm 68: 5-6a

 

Mike || 6 Years & Couting

This evening I am dedicating my post to a very special person in my life. Someone who has been a big part of my life for several years now and one of the few constants in my life the last several years.

This person is my bestfriend Mike. Mike and I have known each other for six years this summers. I don't remember with great clarity the first time we met but he seems to have a decent memory of it and my awkwardness was definitely in fully play! Go figure! While that day is a little blurry for me, his overall presence in my life doesn't feel like it started on a specific day but rather like he has been there all along. That is definitely not the case but he has played such a key part in my life for so long that it seems that way. After the first time we met we just kind of hit it off and have been bestfriends ever since. 

Unlike most bestfriends we didn't live next door, down the street or across town from each other. We met at a district church event. I lived in Hastings and he lived in Omaha, thus putting us two and a half hours away from each other. At the time neither of us had phones nor a way to be on Facebook consistently or at the same time very often. The monthly district youth events were something we looked forward to. They were the one time (sometimes two) that we knew we would get to see each other, even if only overnight during a lock-in. Making a friendship last long distance, even if it was only two and a half hours, is not easy when you may have to go a month or more without communication. Yet we made it for three years with things like this. Sometimes we were lucky to catch each other on Facebook, but we relied on events. 

Despite the distance he quickly came to be the person that I could talk to about everything and a rock in some crazy storms. He's been there through personal issues, my mom's disorder, my parent's divorce, and much more. Looking back i'm not sure entirely how we managed to make it and become closer despite the distance and the lack of communication at times. Never would have guessed it could have lasted but I am so very, very glad it has. He is such a big blessing in my life. I thank God for him all the time. It isn't easy to put how much he means to me in words and I don't think I ever will be able to fully do so.

I have only come to realize how important he is in my life and how much of blessing in the last three years. The first three we were just a short two and a half hours apart. The last three years however have been across a bit larger distance. I left for school just south of Chicago back in August 2011. This meant that Mike and I were now eight hours apart. Talk about making things quite a bit harder than before. Luckily at this point we both had gotten phones and it became easier to talk online. The benefit of having technology while being far apart is huge, but it still doesn't replace seeing each other face to face. Sadly, it's been roughly a year and a half between every time we have seen each other. Quite the opposite of once a month. This distance has not been easy and many times is more of a struggle with technology, yet I am so thankful for it. We don't often get to have full conversations, but even a few words exchanged can make my day. 

So after six years of long distance friendship we sit here in two different states and realize just how blessed I am. There are times when we have to put in more effort to stay connected, but it is worth it. Sometimes it is hard to deal with the distance when I have to miss important days. Last weekend happened to be one of those important days. Last weekend Mike finished off his high school career. He walked across the stage and graduated. After four long years it was all done with. I am so very, very proud of him and his accomplishment! I couldn't be more happy for him and more proud of anyone. I just wish I had been there to celebrate his accomplishments with him that day. Saying congratulations via Facebook and phone just doesn't cut it. But we take what we can get. 

Mike after graduation (picture courtesy of his dad)

Mike, after six years of friendship, I just want to say how very proud of you I am! You have overcome so much and the way you have handled it all is inspiring. When someone or something tried to knock you down you got right back up and showed them you were stronger. You are such a huge blessing to me, as well as others! I am so proud of you and so very happy for you as you are making the preparations to head to college in the fall. There are so many wonderful things ahead for you! I have no doubt that God has incredible plans for you and your life. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for you and how He uses you to make a difference. I look forward to being able to share it with you as your bestfriend!  You are such an incredible blessing in my life and I am so thankful for you and who you are!! Six years down, may many more come. Here's to seven! I love you, Mike! :)

Chains: What Are They?

This past Sunday we started a new series at my church entitled "Chains". This series is all about discovering what our chains are and how we can break free of them. This week we discussed what our chains are.

So often when we speak of chains that are keeping us trapped and stuck we think of things such as your average addictions like alcohol or drugs. Yes, these are chains and they do keep us trapped, locked up and confined. They are terrible and they cause so much heartache. They keep us from living our true lives and fulfilling our purpose. Yet there are so many other chains in our lives. They come in a variety of forms, such as self-image, worry, fear, doubt and so on. They keep us locked in a place that we cannot get out of on our own. Chains such as these are often unrealized by us because we are so wrapped up in them.

Personally I have many, although some are bigger than others. One of the big ones is worrying about what people think of me or will think of me if I do something. This was a big one the end of last spring semester. I was looking at interning with my church and really felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I talked with my mom about it and she really fought me because she said I needed a real job. Working as a missions intern at my church without a guaranteed amount of pay due to raising funds on my own was not what she wanted me to do and she fought me and opposed me like none other. Yet I really felt like I needed to do it. I started off the summer without a guaranteed job and was not sure what God had planned but trusted that if He really wanted me here interning it would work out. I did not want my mom to be mad at me or think I was doing it just to spite her and do my own thing but I knew I needed to do it. So I got it all taken care of and I started out as a summer missions intern with no guaranteed pay. I put my faith in Him and trusted that He would provide the funds if I was supposed to be here. At the end of the summer He provided much more than what I hoped for and I no longer cared what my mom thought. I just knew that God had put me where I was supposed to be.

Another big one is my fear of being hurt again. I put up walls to keep myself safe and often it keeps me from pursuing the things that He puts in front of me. I am getting better about doing things much more openly and being vulnerable but it isn't easy. When I am vulnerable He always proves that it was far better for me than pushing it away and that I can trust Him not to put me in situations that will hurt me. 

There are so many other chains that I have in my life and I am working to give them to God and break free of them. It is a never ending process but I hope to continue to break chains as I get closer and closer to Him. There is so much freedom found in Him when we give Him the things that are chaining us and holding us captive. It is such a wonderful feeling to break free of them!

What are some chains in your life? How is. God helping you to break those chains? 

FOCUS | 2014 Word

(This is very late...but i've had this planned since the beginning of January.)

After a lot of thought and consideration, I decided on my word for 2014.

My word is Focus.

One of Merriam-Webster's definitions is "a state or condition permitting clear perception or understanding."

This year I want to make sure that I am focusing on all of the positive things in life.

I want to focus on strengthening my relationship with God.

I want to focus on strengthening my relationships with family.

I want to focus on strengthening my relationships with friends.

I want to focus on being intentional in my relationships.

I want to focus on sharing His love and grace to everyone I come in contact with.

I want to focus on mentoring and discipling those younger than me.

I want to focus on being a good student.

I want to focus on putting my all into my work.

I want to focus on the future and all the good in it.

I want to focus on where I am and where I am going.

I want to focus on so many things, but they are all good things.

I desire to put my focus not on little things, insignificant things, or issues from my past...

But rather on where I am, where I am going, who I am with, what I am doing, and most importantly... My relationship with my Heavenly Father and all that He is and will do through me.

So often life becomes cluttered and full, many times with good things, but sometimes there are things that fill our lives that are not so good...at least not in the amount or the way that we engage in them.

Life can get full with school commitments, whether that just be classes or all the work outside of them to prep for papers, projects, quizzes, and tests.

It can get full with church commitments, whether it be volunteering to help on Sundays, lead small groups, or coordinate some event.

It can get full with people, such as family, friends, classmates, coworkers, acquaintances, and so on.

It can get full of hobbies, such as sports, music, reading, or arts and crafts.

These are great things! They are wonderful and enjoyable, but sometimes they take up too much of our time and our lives.

There are some bad things that take up a lot of time as well, whether that be watching reality tv and soap operas for hours, partying every chance we get, or any myriad of things.

These things can be different for everyone, but the one thing in common is that they aren't good.

I want to make sure that I am focusing on those good things and taking those bad things out of my focus, but I also need to make sure that I am keeping my relationship with God in the center of my focus.

And to be honest with you all, I am not always very good at that.

All those other 'good' things get in the way.

I know God wants me to enjoy the good things, such as going to school, spending time at church, spending time with family and friends, and enjoying my hobbies.

But I also know that I often let those things take the front seat and get in the center of my focus.

I don't want to keep letting that happen.

I'm not perfect and I will definitely have my days where I let something take center stage that isn't my relationship with Him, but it is going to be a daily journey.

That is why I am making Focus my word for the year.

I want to not only focus on the good things in a more healthy manner, but more importantly make God the center of my focus in everything that I do. 

So here is to a year of refocusing and keeping life clear.

As I take the time to focus on what is important in my life I will be praying that you all are able to find time to truly focus on what is important in your lives!!

Sincerely,

Shelbi