Hey everyone! I know it's been a couple weeks since I have posted anything of significance. On one hand I feel bad about that and I have been wanting to so desperately, but on the other hand I don't think I have been in the greatest place to post anything. The last few weeks have been straight up crazy and stressful! I moved into my apartment on August 23rd (pictures coming soon!) and basically was put straight into school mode. I was running around working on taking care of finances, class schedule, and what seems like a billion other things.

Classes officially started on Aug. 27th. Within the first week I felt way behind because of the amount of reading and such that is required in some of my classes. Between all of my classes I have three different journals to do. One is a daily devotional journal, one is a reading journal for all assigned texts and articles, and the other is a Theological reflection notebook. Throw in at least one page of reflection for the devo journal and the theo reflection journal after reading through everything, plus going through and reading texts/articles and doing a clearly defined reading notes journal and you have one stressed lady. I have just had a really hard time keeping up. Although I know that part of what was the problem last week was the fact that I was sick all week. I literally slept away the first half of the week and then worked my butt off to catch up with what I could before the end of the week. Nothing like having some crazy cold, respiratory and bronchitis nonsense to start off the semester. But hey, it's out of the way now.

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Anyways, to get to what I really want to spend some time talking about. Despite the constant presence of people the last few weeks, in the form of roommates, friends, church family and classmates, I have had an all too familiar and not generally enjoyed feeling. I have felt pretty alone. I am not saying that I have been lonely since that is practically impossible in my current situation. It is almost an irony to say that I feel the least alone when I am sitting in a quiet, dark room by myself. I find myself in crowds and groups and I feel like the outsider, the one looking in and watching. There is a sense of disconnect and I am not sure why or how to fix it.

(...I couldn't find a source for this that the campus internet would let me open)

Personally this is not the first time in my life that I have felt this way and I doubt that it will be the last. I know that there is a very good chance that some of my issue with this is based on my personality, as well as some past issues. Yet it still does not change the fact that it is not a fun feeling. It can be hard going through your days feeling like you don't belong and like no one would notice if you were not there. That consuming feeling of being alone in the midst of so many people. It has been wrapped around me this week and I just cannot shake it. Going to chapel has not done it, Bible study has not done it, quiet time and devotionals have not done it. Praying and solitude have not done it.

It has been invading my mind and I am hoping that I can break through this before it becomes something bigger than it is or needs to be. I do not want to be sitting here in a week or two still feeling this. I want to enjoy life and being with friends without forcing a smile, a pleasant attitude and a bunch of small talk. I do not want to feel like I have been sitting in a dark room by myself with no company and no sunlight. Yet I cannot seem to bring myself to the point where I feel like I am completely enjoying being around people. This is a hard thing to process and get past when life revolves around being social. My safety zone has been whenever I manage to get time alone in the apartment and I can shut the blinds/curtains, turn off all the lights, shut off anything making noise and just embrace the silence, the darkness. Part of what is bugging me lately is that I rarely get a moment of quiet, of peace.

I need to recoup, to refocus, but I have been lacking the ability to do so these last few weeks. This ended with me basically word vomiting via Facebook messenger to a great friend who listened to me while he was on his way to Kentucky with his PR band. I also ended up hastily leaving the apartment on Sunday afternoon to sit in the lower level of Ludwig Center in an attempt to have some quiet. There were no more than 4-5 other people in the whole lower level at any given moment. It was like a brief moment of heaven. This week i've really come to think through the fact that while I don't mind being alone, I do mind being lonely. Everything makes sense in that context, or at least most of it. Sometimes it is hard being the only single lady in your apartment. Everyone talks about their significant other and I get to play the 'third wheel' a lot of times. Such is life.

I just really am feeling like I am stuck in a rut and I cannot get past it. This feeling is just gripping me and while I am used to it I know that I often let myself get to used to it, to familiar with it. I get comfortable with the feeling. I know that God is here and that He has things under control but it does not seem to be of any help at the moment. I could really use prayer this week concerning this. That God will just make His presence felt and that this feeling will stop consuming my thoughts and emotions.

I'm sorry for kind of using this as an emotions vent at the moment, but I just needed to write it out.

I hope y'all have a great week!!

God Bless!

Somebody's Chesea

Throughout this past school year I watched many, many friends and classmates get their "Ring by Spring", a.k.a. get engaged. Some of them were close friends and some were just acquaintances from classes. Either way there hit a point where I wondered if our whole class was going to be engaged before the school year was over. It was an exciting time for them and I was just as excited for them as they embarked on this new stage of their lives. Many of our conversations have revolved around dresses, shoes, flowers, locations, decorations, number of bridesmaids and so on. I've seen and skimmed more wedding magazines in the last year or so than I have in my life. Wedding talk was a norm throughout this school year and for the most part it was fun. I really enjoyed being able to help them bounce ideas around and flesh some things out. There were some days though where it was hard to sit there and listen to all this talk of weddings when you're sitting there single.

The group of us girls and the group of guys we interact with have made the joke that all but a couple of us are single. There were two engagements in my fairly immediate groups of friends. There are one or two dating couples. The majority of us though are still single with no likely prospects on the horizon. Now that is not saying that we all don't have our eye on someone because we definitely do (at least most of us). It's just that the likelihood of any of us actually coming to be in a relationship with the person we have our eye on is either pretty slim or we're friends with the person and there would be a lot riding on that decision if we moved forward. 

We all are enjoying being a part of our friends' weddings and getting to share and celebrate them as they make this transition into married life. It is so exciting to see them taking these steps together! Yet I know that sometimes it is hard to be surrounded with so many people getting married when you have yet to end up finding someone to even date. It can be a bit of a downer, especially for those of us who are going into our senior year of college and are all going to be 22 or 23 within the next year and a half or so. I know that some of our sentiments regarding marriage comes from how we grew up and the college that we attend, but it can still be discouraging. Throw in parents, extended family and church family asking every time they see you if you're dating anyone yet, if you're interested in anyone and if there is anyone you would like to eventually marry. Or a myriad of other questions dealing with the subjects of dating and marriage.

Personally I get my mom and grandma asking me when me and a close friend of mine are going to start dating and eventually get engaged. In recent months church family here has started asking if anything is going to happen between the two of us. I don't know if anything will happen. Although we have been throwing out the idea of getting married for almost two years. We've talked about it pretty seriously multiple times, but haven't acted on it. One of the main benefits being reduced tuition at school. We've legitimately talked about it multiple times and pretty much everyone I know has said that they think it would be great. My family thinks that it would be absolutely wonderful in every way, even the family who hasn't met him. Yet here we sit both single and while being pretty serious about it we aren't making any serious moves that direction.

It just gets a little hard watching multiple weddings this summer (i'm in the double digits so far...) along with other engagements. But I am trusting God with it even when it's hard. He has a plan and I know it is good. I just need to remember that things will fall together in alignment with His plan when they are supposed to.

This song came to my mind yesterday and it pretty well describes most of my thoughts lately. Enjoy!

Here's to the weekend!

Well it's Friday once again! Where has the week gone?! Seems like yesterday I was trying to make sure my homework was prepped for the week and now I'm working on next week and finals. (Dare I mention that dreaded last week of the semester...) but at the beginning of the week I got my haircut and I got new glasses! Yay! Forgive the horrible picture but my mom wanted to see so this is the one I got.

One of my friends said I look like a nerd...a cute nerd though! I'm excited about the fact that I can see again so there's always that! I'm getting ready for a crazy weekend. A trip into Chicago tomorrow night to pick up my youngest sister who is staying with me for a few days. Prepping my portfolio for my major. Researching for my exegesis. Reading a book for a test after break. Figuring out field experience stuff. Getting ready for Thanksgiving break. It's crazy!!

It's going to be good though! I hope you all have wonderful weekends!!

Softball Tourney

Hey y'all!!

Things have been a bit up in the air here lately as things are kinds busy, but also my head just has been focused elsewhere.

I feel like i've neglected this blog and i'm sorry about that.

That should change as this week goes by and school kicks off in less then two weeks.

I'll be moving into my apartment the end of next week and classes start the following Wednesday.

It's absolutely crazy to think that summer is over at the end of next week. I'm pretty sure it just started...

The time has flown but it's been one heck of a summer.

I'll be sharing with you some of the craziness in the next couple of days, then let some other types of posts begin to start back up again!!

Well we're off to the state Softball Tourney in just a short while.

Looking forward to cheering on the team and connecting with ladies from church!

I'll be back later today with another post with one of the summer highlights!

Passion Can Lead To Purpose

     Have you ever found yourself in a position where you are so tired and worn out with what you are currently doing that you wonder if it is really what you want to do? Has this made you question what you purpose is in life? Or maybe you are okay with what you are doing but still find yourself questioning what your purpose is. Sometimes we can start out doing something that we enjoy, at least at the time, and we our happy, but as time goes on we realize that it is not what we really want to do. Whether it be work, a long-term volunteer position, school (or a particular major), or any number of things, it can start draining us mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually. As it wears us out more and more we find it affecting our relationships with family and friends, our hobbies and activities, even our faith. We lack peace and joy in every aspect of our lives. Sure there may be moments when we feel those things, but overall we do not.

     There are all kinds of excuses for why we stay in positions where we feel no enjoyment and that drain us. Maybe we feel like we have to stay in the position we are in because of the security it provides. Maybe we feel like we will be letting people down if we do something else. Maybe we feel like we just are not good enough at anything else to do something else. Whatever the case may be, this is not how we should go about our lives.

     If this was the world that God initially intended it to be then we would all be able to spend our days doing the things that we enjoy doing, that we are passionate about. However, we do not live in that world but rather in this fallen world. It is not always easy for us to spend our live doing exactly that which we enjoy the most. What we can do however, is adjust our lives to fit the strengths that God has given us in a better way. This may not mean that we are able to do the exact thing that we most enjoy, but we can do something that is close to that or involves many aspects of it. By redirecting the things that we are doing to more closely fit the strengths that God gave us, we will be able to rediscover the joy and the happiness that God intends for us to have about life.

     For some of use we may not know what our strengths or gifts are, but it can be easy figure that out. You may feel like you are looking everywhere to figure out what your strengths are and it may seem like you have none or if you have any they are hidden. But here is a thought... Have you ever wondered if maybe you are looking in the wrong places or focusing on the wrong things? If you cannot figure out what to focus on, it can seem like strengths are nonexistent. Or maybe you feel like you have several strengths or gifts and you are having a difficulty figuring out which ones you should focus on. Figuring out what your strengths are can be as simple as answering some questions such as:

-What were your favorite subjects in school?

-What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

-What do you feel most comfortable and confident doing?

-What things seem to come natural to you?

     The list could go on, but it is questions like these that can help you figure what your strengths are. Once you figure that out you will more easily be able to find a way to make that a part of your life and work. Maybe that means a total career change or maybe it just means looking for a different position. If you are in school it might mean that you change your major or add a minor. There are all kinds of ways to redirect the things you do to fit your strengths. The joy and fulfillment you will find upon doing this will make life much more enjoyable. I really like the following quote about our strengths and passions...

What you are passionate about was

created in you to make a splash in this life

that no one else can make. 

-Nicole Johnson

     God only created one of each of us and he has given each of us different strengths and gifts. What we do with them is our choice and we can make an impact in our lives and on the world that no one else can. Whatever your strengths or gifts are, you can "make a splash". 

     So, what are some things they are holding you back from doing something that you truly enjoy? Or are you doing something that you enjoy and hope to continue doing? How can you make an impact using the strengths and gifts that God has given you? What are some ways that you are already making an impact with your strengths?

Here's The Thing About Ders...

Ok, so a lot of you that read my posts are also friends with me on Facebook.

Therefore you have seen various posts on there from me from the past weeks.

Many of these posts have been based in frustration about a lot of things that are going on.

Most of you, however, do not know what has been going on.

So here goes a basic recap of what has been going on these past weeks.

Three weeks ago I had my last day of full time work on Olivet's campus for the summer
That very same day I found out something that has completely changed everything.

My mom called to inform me that the judge had awarded full custody of my two younger sisters to our 'father'.

After four years of fighting against this, the worst happened.

Everything we had done to prevent this and it was all for nothing.

Or at least so it seems.

Our world came shattering down around us fast and hard.

Suddenly there were a million things that were starting to fall apart because of this ruling.

Financial issues regarding living situations, schooling, food, etc. were suddenly ten times worse than they were just hours before the letter arrived at the house.
We didn't have a clue how we were going to take care of everything.
We didn't know where money was going to come from or where we would be in a very short time.
We went from having things fairly well figured out for the near future to not knowing what was going to happen in the next couple of hours.
Emotions were (and continue) to run rampant.
Frustration, anger, sadness, fear, confusion, and so on and so forth.

Suddenly we had a million and one questions that needed answers, a lot of which we did not know.
What is the appeals process?
When can the appeals process be started?
How do we go about filing the appeal?
How long will the appeal process take?
When do the two girls move in with their father?
What will visitation schedule be for their mom?
What will happen in regards to finances?
What, if any, part of this will affect Shelbi and her schooling?
How do we pay for school?
How do we pay for rent for our house?
Etc, etc, etc...
The questions go on and on and they get more detailed and even harder to answer.
My mother and I have been working on answering these questions for the past few weeks.
It has been stressful and more times than not extremely frustrating.
Life is once again being completely controlled by lawyers, judges, and courts.
It is hard to sit back and watch them become the dictators of everything that can and cannot be done.
After years of it however, it is nothing new but it still is not something that is necessarily positive.

This all happened, with a lot more detail and emotion than I have shared but may share at some point, and I did not have any idea what I was going to do to make it through.
I was being faced with the very real possibility of not being able to stay here in Illinois at ONU.
It scared me and I did not know what I was going to do.
I did not want to leave and had more than a few break downs that first week.
One of those just so happened to be at my pastor's house.
(That was right after I had one in my apartment, which happened to include my lanyard flying across the room.)
I had a few more that first week, one of which resulted in my blowing off a good friend completely unintentionally.
Thankfully God has blessed me with friends who are understanding and are there for me even in my worst moments.
I ended up getting a job shortly after I found this all out.
I started that job the first week of classes.
Talk about stressing myself out and overworking myself.
So many things being thrown at me and a million things to learn and remember.
I'm still trying to get my feet firmly planted and a schedule set so I don't lose my mind.
Although I am pretty sure I lost it last week in amidst the craziness.
I keep being told of more things I need to do for classes, such as my multicultural hours for my Education class.
I have no idea how I am going to fit it in, but I hope I figure it out soon.
I am starting to enjoy work but at the same time I am not sure if I can keep the hours that I have right now.
I feel like there is a possibility that I might need a few less in order to fulfill my requirements for classes.

Well it has been a long few weeks.
God has been here through it all and I see Him in many different ways in the various situations.
But the devil has also been playing his cards throughout this whole situation the past few weeks.
He is constantly throwing in new things to tear me down and cause me to stumble.
Yet every step of the way I can see God working through it all.
It may not seem like it at the time but it is all working out the way that He sees fit.
At this point I am still at ONU and funds have been provided for me to stay for the year.
I don't know if that means I will be here next year.
I don't know what that means for the future at all.
I am currently in the process of possibly changing my major, so I don't even know what i'm going to be majoring in yet and that is kind of frustrating and makes it all hard.
But I am trusting God that will lead me in the direction that He wants me to go.
I do not know where that direction leads but I plan on following it where it takes me.
As long as it is in His will then it will not matter where it goes, but rather the things He has for me to do for His kingdom.
Even through the hardship, I know His way will prevail.