Image courtesy of daughtersneedafather.org

 Normally it doesn't matter what my past looks like with the exception of times when people who want to or need to talk about something and I can share a relevant experience to help. I don't make it a habit to share it on a regular basis, but I accept that it is a part of who I am and how I go about life. The things in my past have helped to bring me to where I am and turn me into the person that I am. I have been lucky to come out on the better side of things. However, it still isn't always easy to talk about it.

Out of nowhere I was asked about my father on two different days this week, back to back. Two slightly different questions both of which ended up receiving the same answer. Both of which meant that I had to talk about the fact that I have not had any contact with my father in almost three years. Not that is a surprise at all to me with his history. He never was really interested in being involved in my life and the older I got the less interested he was. Throw in financial issues, long-term medical conditions, a divorce, lawyers, judges, and a whole slew of family history and it was one hot mess. 

He stopped being interested when I was in mid to upper elementary school. I learned quickly that I was better off to avoid interacting with him the majority of the time. His anger issues didn't make talking to him easy, helpful or beneficial. Often I just talked to my mom and asked for her permission for things. By the time I hit middle school I knew when to avoid him and how to go about doing so. I spent many days and evenings away from home in an attempt to not have to interact with him. By the time high school rolled around I spent so little time at home that my lack of time there caused him to get angry with me. After my mom's diagnosis with a rare nerve disorder and then their divorce, I barely interacted with him except for a rare occasion on one of his weekends or Tuesday nights. By the time I was just about two months away from leaving for college he told me that he could care less if I showed up for visitation or even made contact with him. So for my sanity I didn't. I walked away and have kept my distance out of safety for myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I tried contact once and it was never returned. The one time he attempted contact it was merely in an attempt to get revenge on my mom. I decided then that it was better for me at this point in time to not have contact.

This has made things hard for me with regards to my faith. I listened to so many people refer to God as Father. They talked about all of the qualities He had of a father figure. All these good things that fathers supposedly had. However, I didn't grow up experiencing those things so I found it hard to believe that God could possibly be all of those things. That He could possible be the perfect Father. I kept making excuses for why I couldn't accept that fact, none of which involved the whole experience with my earthly father. I didn't want to admit that the reason I struggled accepting it was because I hadn't experienced anything good with my father. I struggled with it for a long time. One of the times that really made me rethink it all and process it in a new light was the message that Reggie Dabbs gave at NYC 2011. I was reminded that God is so much bigger and so much better than any earthly father, even the good ones. He didn't want me to experience what I did because of my earthly father, He didn't want me to be hurt by him. But it happened and He has come to bring me through it and to show me what the Father is truly like. 

It has been a heck of a ride and it hasn't been an easy one. Do I still have days where I struggle accepting God as being the Father? Yeah, I do. Do I still have a hard time referring to Him as Father? Absolutely. Do I always remember and fully believe all of the aspects that make Him the most perfect Father? No. I am not always good at remembering the reasons why He would think that I am worthy to be His daughter. I still struggle every now and then to accept that He truly is the perfect Father, especially on bad days. There are many days where it is still hard for me to refer to Him as Father, because that word conjures up so many not so great memories. It is a struggle often and in many forms, but I am constantly trying. I am constantly asking Him to help me to come to fully acknowledge and accept that He is the perfect, never failing Father. That He is the Father that will never leave, never forsake and never extort. He forgives me when I fall short of His will for me. He blesses me a thousand times more than I could ever ask. He gives me grace that I have not earned nor do I deserve. His love for me still amazes me on a daily basis. I may not have been blessed with a good earthly father, but I have a Heavenly Father who far surpasses him in every way.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing." -Psalm 68: 5-6a

 

Tuberculosis

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook you may have seen my status about how today was not such a good day for me.

I wish I knew how to share everything that is bothering me without it sounding like complaining.

However, I do not know how to go about doing so.

So here goes a quick overview of what has made this day not so great.

First off, I could hardly sleep last night.

I got all of about 2 or 3 hours tops all night long.

I had a lot on my mind and just could not manage to get myself to sleep.

It was a long night and an extremely early morning.

My insomnia definitely kicked in, as well as an overactive mind.

If I could just shut my mind off for a few hours every night I might actually get some sleep.

Then there was the fact that all of the divorce stuff is still managing to mess up my life.

My 'father' did not file taxes the way he was supposed to so now my school bill is sitting unpaid because he has all the tax money and will not give my mom her share.

I am not sure exactly what the whole situation is since i'm not there and no one tells me anything anymore, but I do know that it is causing a lot of tension between my mom & I about financial things concerning my schooling.

Staying here at ONU is dependent on the bill being paid.

However, since my 'father' refuses to do what he said he would, I now am  on the edge of possibly not being able to stay for the fall and just the thought is driving me crazy.

I just hate that I am still stuck under the umbrella of this divorce.

My life is still being controlled by it and by the choices that my parents and the judges make.

Everything is hanging by a string and I cannot do anything about it.

Then there is the fact that I was talking to my mom about traveling plans for vacation/family reunion this next weekend and she informed me now that I will not be riding back with her.

Rather she is having me ride back with her boyfriend.

A man I hardly know in the least, and his kids.

I do not know at all how to feel about it, but I do know that my anxiety has definitely been high since I had this conversation with my mom...and that is not a good thing.

Last, although not least, is the fact that I was informed when I arrived at work this morning that I may have possibly caught a sickness from a coworker that could be extremely bad for me.

One of my coworkers has been diagnosed with Tuberculosis.

This is a serious sickness that is centered in the lungs.

It has even been known to kill people in it's worst forms.

That part may not seem like a huge deal to you because you are probably thinking that I am young and my immune system is good and can withstand it.

I have to contradict that.

Yes, I am young.

No, my immune system is not good. Not in the least.

My immune system is very weak.

I pretty much catch everything that I am around and it is 10x worse for me than the person who I caught it from.

This has been so ever since I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) in fall of 2009.

I had it 3 different times for 3 weeks each time.

I was completely bed ridden (actually recliner...) because I was in so much pain I couldn't physically move myself.

That was the worst 2 months that I had experienced with a sickness since 5th grade.

And ever since my immune system has been absolutely terrible.

The other thing that makes it easier to catch Tuberculosis is having asthma.

Which I have.

So I have an extremely weak immune system and asthma.

I am a prime candidate.

I am extremely worried that I may have caught it and that I will now have to once again have to fight through a sickness that could kill me.

I cannot afford to have caught this sickness.

I just can't.

You know, this is starting to really get tiring.

This nonstop cycle.

Things start going really well and then all of a sudden...

BAM!!!

...the devil has decided once again to throw a gigantic wrench into it all.

It seems like he thinks that my life is the perfect playground.

Just when I start to be happy and to think that things are turning around I get slapped in the face.

I know God has huge plans for me, otherwise the devil would not be working so hard to knock me down onto my face every time I turn around, but it is hard to deal with all of this.

I'm tired of constantly being pushed down onto my face.

Being pushed to the ground just as I am starting to get my footing again.

I wish I knew what God's plan was.

Not so that I would know what to do every step of the way, but rather so that I could be encouraged and feel like going through all of this is going to be worth it in the end.

 I just picked myself up of the ground.

And now I feel like i'm falling again.

The cycle continues...

God will give me the strength I need!!

It's been a while since I have been able to post...(actually only like a week and a half...ish...)

There is so much going on my life at the moment and I feel like the devil is trying his hardest to push me over the edge, to push me to my limits. I feel like he is trying to tear me apart, especially on the inside. 

Everything with my parents divorce is coming at me fast. Financial issues, psychological issues and what I would call manipulation, emotional stress, and just stress in general.

I feel like the devil is using this situation to his advantage.

I constantly feel like this situation is defeating me. It is seemingly overwhelming and having a disastrous effect on my life. It is affecting everything from family relationships to my life 

here in Illinois with college and everything that goes with that.

I feel stuck and like I cannot do this college thing. 

Why??

Because of financial issues that have been brought up by this divorce. 

My mom cannot afford to pay for the bill and I do not have the money to do so either. 

Tax money was supposed to pay for the rest of my bill from this past year, but due to my 'father' not splitting the money with my mom like he is supposed to, my mom cannot pay the bill. 

This is leaving me to pay the bill with the money that I am working for this summer by working full time at my college all summer in the custodial department. 

I would not say that this is the ideal situation. For me or my mom.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I feel like the devil is using this to make me feel like I am failing and like I cannot get beyond this.

And I honestly would like nothing better than to get beyond this situation.

God provided the money for me to even be here to begin with, so I am not questioning whether or not I am supposed to be here. (Not yet anyways...)

Yet I have this feeling that the financial side of this whole college thing is not going to pan out for a second year and that scares me.

I do not want to leave Olivet. Not in the least.

Yet I feel like I am continuously at the edge of not being able to return this fall.

I know all of these negative feelings and thoughts are from the devil himself, as God would not put such thoughts in my head, but for some reason they seem like the truth. 

I need to let go and let God.

I cannot let the devil win over my thoughts and feelings.

I can do this with the help of the Almighty!

This situation is not me, but how I react to and deal with it will define part of who I am.

I cannot let the devil have any part in my reaction to the situation 

or how I handle the situation.

The devil will not win.

God will!!

God has!!

Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength!"