This song by City Harbor is one of my favorites right now and I think it sorta has to do with the topic of this post, at least for me anyways.

This past Sunday in church the sermon had to do with Fear.

What are our fears?

Why are we afraid?

Who can take them away?

Or help us overcome them?

For each of us our fears may be different.

For one person their fear may be that they won't get their homework done on time because of everything else that they have going on.

For one person their fear may be that they won't every end up in a relationship because they are just too scarred and damaged from the things in their past.

For another their fear may be that they won't be able to come up with enough money to pay their bills because they just lost their job.

Our fears are all different. Some may seem insignificant to some people while others seem impossible to get past no matter what they try.

But to the person who has the fear it is huge and may seem beyond what they can handle.

They may feel that they are going to hit rock bottom, if they haven't already, and they don't see any way that they can possibly get back up and get going again.

Fears can cripple us to the point that we lose all hope.

Personally, I can relate to all of the examples I mentioned, not to every exact detail but to the generality. All with the exception of one that is.

While listening to the sermon on fear I realized that while I have all kinds of fears at different points of time, I have one that is consistent and that I keep trying to get over.

I am afraid of building a relationship towards the point of marriage.

Why is that?

Because I have seen more marriages than I count come crashing down and fail.

Because I have seen first hand the damage a man can cause physically, as well as psychologically and emotionally.

Because I have seen and experienced men walking out and abandoning their families just because they can't handle it or it wasn't what they wanted or expected.

Because I have learned the manipulative ways of men when they want something and don't want to hear the word 'No' as an answer.

I am afraid because my past is littered with memories and scars left behind from men who clearly thought I wasn't worth more than the meager bit of emotion and respect they could muster.

I am afraid because I don't want to end up in a relationship, and one day a marriage, that is full of anger, distrust, and abuse.

I have no desire to deal with any of that for the rest of my life.

And when a decent guy who happens to exceed my expectations I push him away because of this fear.

I am afraid that this fear is actually costing me the very thing that I want.

We are all afraid for different reasons, some may be similar to my reasons, while many more are far different than mine.

It really doesn't matter what the reasons are because those reasons are just enabling us to keep being afraid. They are what cause the fear to cripple us.

The fear and the reasons behind it hold us back from our dreams, our hopes, and our goals.

This fear comes from the devil and he uses it in every way that he possibly can in order to distract us and blind us from God's plan for our lives.

God's plan for our lives doesn't involve fear.

He doesn't want us to be afraid of all of these things.

He wants us to enjoy life and everything good that comes with it.

Including our ability to go to school and learn, our relationships with others, and even our jobs and income.

They are not bad things, but that fear isn't a good thing.

That fear can cause us to hold back from things, stress over them too much, and in many cases lose the very things that we dream for and long for.

Fear does not enable us, fear limits us.

If we give our fears to God then He can help us overcome them.

He can even use them to bring the good things back into our lives.

God's plan for each of us includes so much more than fear about all of these things.

God's plan includes hope, joy, and peace!

God is bigger than all of your fears!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Daughter to Father

I dream of another you

The one who would never 

Leave me alone to pick up the peices

A daddy to hold me, that's what I needed

 

Daughter to Father,

Tell me the truth, 

Did you ever love me?

These lyrics by Lindsay Lohan pretty accurately describe most of my feelings towards my 'father'.

There are many more things that I feel towards him, but these are some of the basics that really just hit me on holidays, especially the holiday that everyone is celebrating today.

I find myself wondering why he didn't care enough to be a part of my life.

Yes, he did live in the house but he would go to work, come home and eat dinner, then go to his room and shut the door.

By the time I hit middle school I was in many cases afraid of this guy called my 'father'.

I learned that the best way to survive the outburst of anger and the throwing of random items was to hide in my room.

I'd tuck myself away with a book and some music, then forget about everything and everyone else.

It become a mode of survival that became a habit.

All of the things I remember about my 'father' are negative.

I do not have happy memories that make me smile and laugh when looking back.

I have memories that make me glad that I am far away and have no connection.

I do not have memories of him coming to or supporting my sports events or theatre performances.

I do not have memories of him teaching me to dance or wiping away tears.

I do not have any of the happy memories that most girls have.

How do I know?

Because I have listened to my friends at school talking about theirs and sharing stories.

I find myself retreating or walking away when those conversations start.

I do not want to have to share the memories I have and explain the kind of person he was.

The looks of sympathy along with the comments are not helpful nor do they make me feel better.

Often times I find myself becoming angry when I think about him and the things he has done.

Sometimes I get so angry that I end up curled up in the ball on the floor with tears running down my face.

Many of these times I end up asking God questions about all of it.

Why did I have to have a father like him?

What did I do wrong?

Why didn't he love me?

Was there something wrong with me?

What made him think that what he did was okay?

Those are just a few of the questions that I end up asking God in those moments of anger.

I end up crying so hard that I physically hurt when I am done.

I have ended up going so far that I have caused myself a panic attack.

To say the least they are moments that I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I wish that I had had a father who actually cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life.

Yet at the same time I know that the lack of a caring father I have learned many lessons.

Some of these lessons have been good while others were not so good.

I have found myself searching for the things he didn't give me in other places and people.

A lot of my close friends were close friends as I have grown up have been guys.

I have looked to many of them to give me the things that a father should give his daughter.

They should not have had to provide that but I was in need and looked for it in them anyways.

The thing that I have learned in the last couple years is that there is someone who can provide it all.

God can provide all of the things my father didn't and so much more.

He is a better father than any earthly father can ever be.

He is my Heavenly Father and His attributes far outweigh those of an earthly father.

He is my Comforter on the bad days.

He is my Provider when I my supply is running low.

He is my Joy on the good days.

He is my Peace in the midst of turmoil.

He is everything that I need in any circumstance I find myself in.

And best of all, He loves me unconditionally.

There is nothing that I am in need of because I am a child of the Heavenly Father.

While I know all of this and am beyond thankful for it, I still find it hard to call God my Father.

It is something that I am trying to work up to.

For me there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the name father, therefore it is hard to try and put positive connotations with it to refer to God.

My past makes it hard but I am getting there.

It has been a hard journey but hopefully it will get easier one day.

I am broken but He is healing me.

Daughter to Father,

I know You will always love me.

Passion Can Lead To Purpose

     Have you ever found yourself in a position where you are so tired and worn out with what you are currently doing that you wonder if it is really what you want to do? Has this made you question what you purpose is in life? Or maybe you are okay with what you are doing but still find yourself questioning what your purpose is. Sometimes we can start out doing something that we enjoy, at least at the time, and we our happy, but as time goes on we realize that it is not what we really want to do. Whether it be work, a long-term volunteer position, school (or a particular major), or any number of things, it can start draining us mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually. As it wears us out more and more we find it affecting our relationships with family and friends, our hobbies and activities, even our faith. We lack peace and joy in every aspect of our lives. Sure there may be moments when we feel those things, but overall we do not.

     There are all kinds of excuses for why we stay in positions where we feel no enjoyment and that drain us. Maybe we feel like we have to stay in the position we are in because of the security it provides. Maybe we feel like we will be letting people down if we do something else. Maybe we feel like we just are not good enough at anything else to do something else. Whatever the case may be, this is not how we should go about our lives.

     If this was the world that God initially intended it to be then we would all be able to spend our days doing the things that we enjoy doing, that we are passionate about. However, we do not live in that world but rather in this fallen world. It is not always easy for us to spend our live doing exactly that which we enjoy the most. What we can do however, is adjust our lives to fit the strengths that God has given us in a better way. This may not mean that we are able to do the exact thing that we most enjoy, but we can do something that is close to that or involves many aspects of it. By redirecting the things that we are doing to more closely fit the strengths that God gave us, we will be able to rediscover the joy and the happiness that God intends for us to have about life.

     For some of use we may not know what our strengths or gifts are, but it can be easy figure that out. You may feel like you are looking everywhere to figure out what your strengths are and it may seem like you have none or if you have any they are hidden. But here is a thought... Have you ever wondered if maybe you are looking in the wrong places or focusing on the wrong things? If you cannot figure out what to focus on, it can seem like strengths are nonexistent. Or maybe you feel like you have several strengths or gifts and you are having a difficulty figuring out which ones you should focus on. Figuring out what your strengths are can be as simple as answering some questions such as:

-What were your favorite subjects in school?

-What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

-What do you feel most comfortable and confident doing?

-What things seem to come natural to you?

     The list could go on, but it is questions like these that can help you figure what your strengths are. Once you figure that out you will more easily be able to find a way to make that a part of your life and work. Maybe that means a total career change or maybe it just means looking for a different position. If you are in school it might mean that you change your major or add a minor. There are all kinds of ways to redirect the things you do to fit your strengths. The joy and fulfillment you will find upon doing this will make life much more enjoyable. I really like the following quote about our strengths and passions...

What you are passionate about was

created in you to make a splash in this life

that no one else can make. 

-Nicole Johnson

     God only created one of each of us and he has given each of us different strengths and gifts. What we do with them is our choice and we can make an impact in our lives and on the world that no one else can. Whatever your strengths or gifts are, you can "make a splash". 

     So, what are some things they are holding you back from doing something that you truly enjoy? Or are you doing something that you enjoy and hope to continue doing? How can you make an impact using the strengths and gifts that God has given you? What are some ways that you are already making an impact with your strengths?

Can You Turn My Black Roses Red?

Love.

It's a four letter word.

A simple four letter word.

But it has a complex meaning.

What is love?

What makes me afraid of it?

Why does it scare me so much?

I have been asking myself these questions a lot in recent months, especially the past few days.

We had a couple come for chapel this past week and they talked about relationships.

(It was the Smalleys who spoke in chapel.)

On Wednesday I did not really pay attention because they were just telling the story of how they met.

However, for Thursdays chapel they split us up by guys and girls.

The husband talked to the guys at one location, while the wife talked to us girls in the chapel.

I ended up really paying attention on Thursday because it resonated with me.

She talked some more about how her and her husband met and I kind of tuned that part out.

I did start paying attention when she started talking about how we should look at relationships.

She mentioned that we need to pay attention to the guys in our lives who match up with the things we are looking for.

Sometimes we friend-zone the guys who match up with our 'list' of things we want in a guy.

Maybe we want someone who is caring, compassionate, and respectful.

Maybe we want someone who is outgoing, spontaneous, and humorous.

(All assuming he is a Christian.)

Maybe we want any number of things.

And maybe there is a guy in our lives who matches up with that list in a way that is almost perfect.

But we have been ignoring him because we think of him as just a friend or brother in Christ.

Sometimes we need to step back and take a good look at the guys in our lives.

These friends/brothers in Christ that we have friend-zoned may like us like crazy, but have not said anything.

Whether it is because we are dating someone at the time, think they are not good enough, or whatever reason, they do not say anything to us.

Yet if we step back and look at them we may just realize that God has put the perfect guy for us in our lives already.

God knows who the right guy is but sometimes we have a knack of just being friends or ignoring them completely.

Why on earth do we, as females, do this so often?

What she was saying hit me and just resonated with me because of some relationship things I am trying to figure out.

It really got me thinking and making some decisions.

But then some other things hit me as well.

These things are personal things and they do not really relate to her topic from chapel.

However, they are still extremely relevant for me.

I actually just talked with my RA a little while earlier this afternoon (like an hour ago or so) about it.

(*NOTE: This is all about a specific guy and some of you reading this know who it is.)

She asked me if there was a reason I had not said anything to him about what is going on with us.

Why had I not made some sort of initiation of contact?

I answered with the truth about how I am old fashioned and think that the guy should initiate as I see it as a part of him being the leader in the relationship.

We talked a little more on that and then she went a little deeper.

She said that she thinks that I am holding back.

She said that although I have this great guy in my life and we like each other, I am holding back on a personal level.

She then proceeded to ask me if there was something that was causing me to be holding back.

I really just had to stop and just say that I find it extremely hard to trust guys.

She asked why and I told her.

I told her that it is hard when you watch marriage relationships falling apart left and right, engagements broke off and serious dating relationships with years behind them fall to shambles.

I told her that it is hard when all of your bestfriends (all of whom were guys because I can relate to them easier) left after a short while, whether for a legit reason or they just fell off the face of the planet.

I also told her that it is hard when the one guy who is supposed to be there for you, encourage you, and most of all, love you, decides that he could not care less and does not take part in your life.

I told her that it is hard when almost every guy that has ever been in my life has left after a short while of knowing each other and getting close.

When guy after guy after guy just leaves you and did not even care enough to explain why, it is extremely hard to trust.

My RA then made the observation that I do not let myself step out personally and trust guys because they always end up leaving and they always end up hurting me.

I could not deny that she hit the nail on the head.

We talked some more about all of it and it got me thinking.

 The only reason I have not said anything to him is because I am scared to let him in.

Because although I have shared a lot with him, there is still a lot he does not know.

Because I am afraid that by opening myself up to the possibility of letting him love me I will be deeply hurt if it does not work out with him.

Because by letting him in in such a deep way means he will find out about these fears.

Ultimately I am afraid to open myself up to let him love me because I do not want to get hurt again.

It all comes down to the fact that I am deeply, deeply afraid of letting someone love me.

I am deeply afraid of opening myself up and trusting someone.

He is such a great guy and I feel like God put him in my life for a reason.

As crazy as it seems, from everything I know, he meets the 'list'.

I look forward to being able to see him and spend time with him.

He is the first person I want to share things with, whether good or bad.

He is the one that I feel I can be myself around the most.

He is the quiet but steady strength and encouragement that I need.

He is a man of God and a spiritual leader.

(^^^Such a huge thing!!!!)

He enjoys kids and he is good with them.

 He understands all of the medical stuff I deal with daily.

He understands the legal issues as well.

I could go on but I do not think that I need to.

Just sitting here typing this I am realizing something I had not yet realized.

I am suddenly feeling peace and reassurance about what to do.

It is still going to be a day to day struggle with all of this and the distance.

Yet I believe that if this is what God has planned then it will work out the right way at the right time.

It is all in His hands.