If you know any college kid, or just a school aged kid in general, then you know what the next couple of weeks are.

It is the much awaited Christmas Break.

For some of us college kids this is the end of the first week of break and for others it is only the beginning of break.

For me this is the end of the first week of Christmas Break.

I boarded the train last Saturday and arrived home at about 2am Sunday morning.

So I have been home just short of a week.

However, this has been the longest week.

I feel like I should be heading back to school next week, yet I have like two more weeks to go.

I just am not all that thrilled to be home and wish I could have stayed in Illinois.

I know my mom and sisters wanted me here, but other than that I have nothing here.

My home is in Illinois now and I want to be there so badly.

I hate that I feel so discontent being here, but at the same time I cannot pretend that I want to be here when in reality it is the last place that I want to be at this point in time.

My life is in Illinois despite the fact that I grew up here in Nebraska.

According to most people I should be excited to come back home and see friends and have fun with them, go to my home church and visit with everyone, go around town and see everyone I know, and in general just make my presence known to everyone in this small town in south central Nebraska.

Little do they know that that is not at all what I had planned.

I do not have friends in town to see and hang out with, go out to eat, crash at someone's house and watch movies and stay up late catching up with everything that has happened over the semester.

I have not had much in the way of friends in this town in years.

I do not even want to talk about church.

I dread the idea of even walking in the door and having to see everyone faking the smiles and the overly sweet sentiments from people who could not care less that I was back.

These people make a spectacle of saying hello and asking how things are going at school, but I can see right through their facade.

They never make an effort to talk to me otherwise.

They do not send me messages on Facebook, shoot me a text, call me up, or send me any letters.

They just throw on the smiles and the overly sweet words just because they have to keep up their image.

I mean nothing to the people in the church I spent 13 years of my life as a member of.

I knew they were not really huge fans of mine when I was there but I am not even a blip on their radar now.

I think it is better that way for me in the long run.

And in regards to the general public, I do not have much connections with people here. 

The only people who care that I am back are my babysitting families.

My kids have been waiting for me to get back for weeks and they are excited to see me.

If it were not for my kids I would not have anything happy to look forward to whatsoever.

I guess it is these times when I have come home that have really made it clear that going out of state for school was the best thing that I could have done for myself.

I would not have been happy had I stayed.

I am sure God would have worked things out, but it would not have been the same.

Coming here is hard for me to do anymore.

The anxiety that I was dealing with the night before, even the week before, leaving was ridiculous.

Coming here is such a strain on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It is not at all that I do not like the town and the area, but rather that I do not like the people here.

All of their drama and all of the craziness that comes along with them.

I am about ready to just clear out my Facebook and leave only a couple of really close family friends on their from the area.

I do not have a reason to keep connected with all these people.

They could not care less about what happens to me and really I am done dealing with the drama.

I have also realized since being home that I really need to tell my mom that I switched my major. 

I just do not know how she is going to take it.

I know I need to before I leave for St. Louis next week because my grandparents know and will probably say something.

I just feel like she has been pulling a guilt trip on me and she does not even know it.

She is constantly talking about Graduate school and internships and jobs.

All of these things that she has gotten herself attached to.

I feel like if I tell her she is going to freak out and then I am going to feel like I let her down.

I just do not feel like following that major was a good fit for me.

I did not like the classes related to it and therefore was not doing well.

But I did take a class related to my new major and I really enjoyed it.

(Which is surprising because it was all about the History and Philosophy of Education. Sounds like lots of fun, I know.)

I am really excited for my classes regarding my major that I am taking this coming semester.

Applied Arts for Teachers, Educational & Developmental Psychology, First Aid & Emergency Care, etc.

There is even a piano class in there!!!
I am so looking forward to this semester, but my mom does not know that I am taking them.

I just know she is going to pull the whole "Do you know how much I've put into this? Too much for you to be changing your major now!! What do you think this is? We can't afford you switching now! And what the heck even brought this idea into your think skull? I can't believe you would do this!! Everything was planned out and I'm working my butt off to get you through school and you go and do this?" ...etc., etc., etc. 

The whole thing will turn into a yelling match and will revolve around her and what she has done for my schooling.

It will have nothing to do with what I feel like I should do and what I feel God is leading me to.

None of that will matter at all when I tell her.

It's so stinking frustrating.

ARGH.

I just do not know what to do. :( 

But like Sly and The Family Stone say...

Que Sera, Sera....Whatever Will Be, Will Be

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSDS)/ Chrnic Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS)

As of late I have been asked quite frequently about my mom's disorder.

After explaining it multiple times, I figured that it might be beneficial to just make a quick post about it.

So I am going to try to make this a fairly short post, but I will also be trying to cover the main points that should be known about RSDS/CRPS.

My mom was diagnosed 5 years ago (this September) with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSDS) or Chronic/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

This is a disease of the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS).

It basically means that the SNS is not working properly. Nerves are misfiring, so they are constantly sending pain signals to the brain.

This disease can be caused by a traumatic injury or just a bump on a table.

The disease does not appear to be linked to the severity/magnitude of the injury.

There is no exact cause that has been noted.

There are many symptoms that accompany the disease, some of which are:

-Severe burning pain

(My mom refers to it as burning pain and pins & needles pain, but like 10 times worse than what we would experience normally. But it is constant and never ending.)

-Extreme sensitivity to touch, light, water, hot/cold, etc.

-Tissue swelling

-Frequent changes in skin color and temperature

-Contracture (limited limb movement due to tightening of the muscles and tendons)

-Muscular Atrophy

There are many other symptoms of the disease but it can get to be a long list that few people actually want to read.

There are two types of CRPS.

Type 1 is due to injuries that have no direct link to any nerve damage.

Type 2 is due to injuries that caused direct nerve damage.

There are treatments available, although most of them are focused on pain management since there is not cure for the disease at the present moment.

Pain medication and antidepressants are some of the most common treatments.

Nerve Blocks, Intrathecal Drug Pumps, Spinal Cord Stimulation, and physical/occupational therapy are other treatment options used frequently.

Surgical Sympathectomy can be used, but it is not guaranteed and it could cause the disease to worsen in the limb and/or spread to other areas of the body.

This disease is 2-3 times more likely for females than males and it affects 200,00 to 1.2million Americans.

My mom got this disease as the result of a cat bite she got at work.

Yes, you read that right. 

A cat bite.

At the time she was working at an Assisted Living Facility back home and they have two cats that they keep for the residents.

My mom was working nights and one night she was cleaning the lobby.

One of the cats came up behind her and laid down.

Not realizing that the cat was behind her, she stood up and stepped backwards.

She stepped on the cat who in turn bit the back of her left ankle.

This was completely in defense and my mom thought nothing of it, especially since she grew up around cats and had been bitten many of times before.

However, by the time she got of work at 6am she could not walk on her left foot at all.

She went to the ER and they just gave her pain medication and crutches.

The ER doctors did not know what was going on.

Within about a week or two her left foot started to turn inwards.

Seeing as this is not normal, she went into the doctor and they gave her this boot thing to wear to try and keep the foot straight.

This was worn for a while, but it eventually got to the point that she couldn't stand to wear it any longer.

My mom was in severe pain and the sensitivity to just about everything was crazy. 

She went to several doctors and it took a while before any of them made the connection to RSDS.

In September 2007 my mom was put in a wheelchair.

She has been in the wheelchair ever since and she will never walk again unless a major miracle happens.

The first couple years were kind of crazy due to the fact that we did not know much about the disease and she did not know how to handle the nonstop pain that accompanies the disease.

It was a very stressful couple of years with everything that was going on.

At 14 I was thrown into the position of being an adult and it was a hard adjustment.

Not to mention an extremely fast one.

I watched my mom go through a lot and got used to knowing which medication she needed when and what days she went to which doctors or therapy sessions.

It became pretty much the central focus of life.

I watched as my mom came extremely close to dying several times as a result of different treatments that were being tried.

I remember the 2am ER trips via ambulance because the disease was acting up.

I remember the port being put in so she could get medicine more easily injected when she went to the hospital. The numerous days that she was in pain because of it.

I remember the port being taken out and the week or so of pain that came from that.

I remember so many of these things.

I wish I could go on and in more detail, but I do mot want to bore anyone.

I am more than willing to share more if you contact me.

I will probably share more in the future without a doubt since it is a major part of my life.

But I am going to leave it at this for tonight.

Like I said, if you want to feel free to contact with me questions.

I will willingly answer them if I know or do my best to get an answer for you.

God has brought my mom, my sisters, and I through this for almost 5yrs now.

I have no doubt that He will continue to lead us and provide for us in the coming years.

We only go this far because of Him.

God is good!!