Image courtesy of daughtersneedafather.org

 Normally it doesn't matter what my past looks like with the exception of times when people who want to or need to talk about something and I can share a relevant experience to help. I don't make it a habit to share it on a regular basis, but I accept that it is a part of who I am and how I go about life. The things in my past have helped to bring me to where I am and turn me into the person that I am. I have been lucky to come out on the better side of things. However, it still isn't always easy to talk about it.

Out of nowhere I was asked about my father on two different days this week, back to back. Two slightly different questions both of which ended up receiving the same answer. Both of which meant that I had to talk about the fact that I have not had any contact with my father in almost three years. Not that is a surprise at all to me with his history. He never was really interested in being involved in my life and the older I got the less interested he was. Throw in financial issues, long-term medical conditions, a divorce, lawyers, judges, and a whole slew of family history and it was one hot mess. 

He stopped being interested when I was in mid to upper elementary school. I learned quickly that I was better off to avoid interacting with him the majority of the time. His anger issues didn't make talking to him easy, helpful or beneficial. Often I just talked to my mom and asked for her permission for things. By the time I hit middle school I knew when to avoid him and how to go about doing so. I spent many days and evenings away from home in an attempt to not have to interact with him. By the time high school rolled around I spent so little time at home that my lack of time there caused him to get angry with me. After my mom's diagnosis with a rare nerve disorder and then their divorce, I barely interacted with him except for a rare occasion on one of his weekends or Tuesday nights. By the time I was just about two months away from leaving for college he told me that he could care less if I showed up for visitation or even made contact with him. So for my sanity I didn't. I walked away and have kept my distance out of safety for myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I tried contact once and it was never returned. The one time he attempted contact it was merely in an attempt to get revenge on my mom. I decided then that it was better for me at this point in time to not have contact.

This has made things hard for me with regards to my faith. I listened to so many people refer to God as Father. They talked about all of the qualities He had of a father figure. All these good things that fathers supposedly had. However, I didn't grow up experiencing those things so I found it hard to believe that God could possibly be all of those things. That He could possible be the perfect Father. I kept making excuses for why I couldn't accept that fact, none of which involved the whole experience with my earthly father. I didn't want to admit that the reason I struggled accepting it was because I hadn't experienced anything good with my father. I struggled with it for a long time. One of the times that really made me rethink it all and process it in a new light was the message that Reggie Dabbs gave at NYC 2011. I was reminded that God is so much bigger and so much better than any earthly father, even the good ones. He didn't want me to experience what I did because of my earthly father, He didn't want me to be hurt by him. But it happened and He has come to bring me through it and to show me what the Father is truly like. 

It has been a heck of a ride and it hasn't been an easy one. Do I still have days where I struggle accepting God as being the Father? Yeah, I do. Do I still have a hard time referring to Him as Father? Absolutely. Do I always remember and fully believe all of the aspects that make Him the most perfect Father? No. I am not always good at remembering the reasons why He would think that I am worthy to be His daughter. I still struggle every now and then to accept that He truly is the perfect Father, especially on bad days. There are many days where it is still hard for me to refer to Him as Father, because that word conjures up so many not so great memories. It is a struggle often and in many forms, but I am constantly trying. I am constantly asking Him to help me to come to fully acknowledge and accept that He is the perfect, never failing Father. That He is the Father that will never leave, never forsake and never extort. He forgives me when I fall short of His will for me. He blesses me a thousand times more than I could ever ask. He gives me grace that I have not earned nor do I deserve. His love for me still amazes me on a daily basis. I may not have been blessed with a good earthly father, but I have a Heavenly Father who far surpasses him in every way.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing." -Psalm 68: 5-6a

 

Love Is Illuminating

 

This quote has popped up in a couple different places the last few days and it has really just hit hard. With everything that has happened in my past I find it easier to hide things. I do not want someone to think that all I am is these broken pieces and all of these bad things. So in an attempt to make things easier, I hide those parts of myself and just put forth the good things. It really comes down to the fear of someone not being able to or not wanting to love all of me, the broken and bad parts included. A lot of times it feels as though all of my flaws are a major deterrent and the reason that I have yet to find the 'one'. But when I came across this quote, it made me wonder if by holding back the broken parts of myself I am keeping myself from people. By holding those things back I am not trusting them enough to give them the opportunity to love me despite those things. This is something that I have really come to realize that I desperately need to work on. Love can illuminate things in my life that may otherwise seem dull. I know that it will be an amazing thing and I look forward to it.

I also remind myself daily that I need to give it to God and trust that He will bring the right people or person into my life at the right time. If I trust Him enough to bring them into my life then I need to know that I can trust those people. It is not an easy task, but I am hoping that I will get better at it as time goes on and as I continue to trust God. His plan is far better than I can imagine...all it takes to see it pan out is some trust and a lot of faith in Him! I also know that the most illuminating of loves is that which comes from my Heavenly Father!

Daughter to Father

I dream of another you

The one who would never 

Leave me alone to pick up the peices

A daddy to hold me, that's what I needed

 

Daughter to Father,

Tell me the truth, 

Did you ever love me?

These lyrics by Lindsay Lohan pretty accurately describe most of my feelings towards my 'father'.

There are many more things that I feel towards him, but these are some of the basics that really just hit me on holidays, especially the holiday that everyone is celebrating today.

I find myself wondering why he didn't care enough to be a part of my life.

Yes, he did live in the house but he would go to work, come home and eat dinner, then go to his room and shut the door.

By the time I hit middle school I was in many cases afraid of this guy called my 'father'.

I learned that the best way to survive the outburst of anger and the throwing of random items was to hide in my room.

I'd tuck myself away with a book and some music, then forget about everything and everyone else.

It become a mode of survival that became a habit.

All of the things I remember about my 'father' are negative.

I do not have happy memories that make me smile and laugh when looking back.

I have memories that make me glad that I am far away and have no connection.

I do not have memories of him coming to or supporting my sports events or theatre performances.

I do not have memories of him teaching me to dance or wiping away tears.

I do not have any of the happy memories that most girls have.

How do I know?

Because I have listened to my friends at school talking about theirs and sharing stories.

I find myself retreating or walking away when those conversations start.

I do not want to have to share the memories I have and explain the kind of person he was.

The looks of sympathy along with the comments are not helpful nor do they make me feel better.

Often times I find myself becoming angry when I think about him and the things he has done.

Sometimes I get so angry that I end up curled up in the ball on the floor with tears running down my face.

Many of these times I end up asking God questions about all of it.

Why did I have to have a father like him?

What did I do wrong?

Why didn't he love me?

Was there something wrong with me?

What made him think that what he did was okay?

Those are just a few of the questions that I end up asking God in those moments of anger.

I end up crying so hard that I physically hurt when I am done.

I have ended up going so far that I have caused myself a panic attack.

To say the least they are moments that I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I wish that I had had a father who actually cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life.

Yet at the same time I know that the lack of a caring father I have learned many lessons.

Some of these lessons have been good while others were not so good.

I have found myself searching for the things he didn't give me in other places and people.

A lot of my close friends were close friends as I have grown up have been guys.

I have looked to many of them to give me the things that a father should give his daughter.

They should not have had to provide that but I was in need and looked for it in them anyways.

The thing that I have learned in the last couple years is that there is someone who can provide it all.

God can provide all of the things my father didn't and so much more.

He is a better father than any earthly father can ever be.

He is my Heavenly Father and His attributes far outweigh those of an earthly father.

He is my Comforter on the bad days.

He is my Provider when I my supply is running low.

He is my Joy on the good days.

He is my Peace in the midst of turmoil.

He is everything that I need in any circumstance I find myself in.

And best of all, He loves me unconditionally.

There is nothing that I am in need of because I am a child of the Heavenly Father.

While I know all of this and am beyond thankful for it, I still find it hard to call God my Father.

It is something that I am trying to work up to.

For me there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the name father, therefore it is hard to try and put positive connotations with it to refer to God.

My past makes it hard but I am getting there.

It has been a hard journey but hopefully it will get easier one day.

I am broken but He is healing me.

Daughter to Father,

I know You will always love me.

Fishing Requires Patience...And A Lot Of It

Growing up there are certain things that parents are almost expected to do.

One of those things for fathers is to take their kids fishing.

To a lot of fathers this may seem like a daunting task for them to handle.

However, it brings much joy and many memories to both the father and the kids.

Most of the first times going will include teaching the kids how to bait their hook (depending on the kids age), how to cast their line, what to wait for while their hook is in the water (maybe watching a bobber), and how to reel in their line when

they have caught the much sought after fish.

The father spends time teaching the kid(s) how to handle their fishing pole in order to cast their line the farthest distance.

Once they know how to properly hold and handle their fishing pole, the father then spends time helping them practice casting their line out.

Now if there is more than one kid, casting out their lines becomes a competition.

They want to see who can cast their lines the farthest out into the body of water.

This will be fun for a while but sooner or later they will once again focus on what they are there to do.

They will cast their line(s) out and be excited to catch a fish.

However, being kids their patience is pretty much zero, so they reel in shortly there after.

Disappointed that they didn't catch a fish they cast their line again.

Again they reel it in not long after they cast out.

They continue doing this and are repeatedly discouraged and dismayed as they are not catching any fish.

This cycle repeats throughout the fishing trips while the child is young.

The goal is that as they get older they will eventually learn the patience that is necessary to fish and they will cast their lines out and then wait as long as it takes, or as long as is possible, to catch a fish.

Once they learn that patience the fishing trips have a whole new meaning and a whole new goal.

The kid(s) looks forward to the fishing trips and all of the fish that they will catch.

This is also a great bonding time for father and son/daughter.

The development of patience in the kid makes the fishing trips much more enjoyable and much less stressful for both parent and kid.

This common experience can easily be related to our relationships with God.

Once we give out lives to Him we are His children.

We are at the beginning of (hopefully) a life long relationship with our Heavenly Father.

At the beginning we are just so full of joy because of our relationship with God.

We give Him everything, or so we seem to.

We give Him all these things and we say that we trust Him to help us.

Yet the minute we lose patience with His timing we give up completely and we decide to assume control again.

When that does not work and we realize we need God to help us out with whatever it is, we give it to Him once again.

This is going well at first and we are hopeful, but things do not go as quickly as we want them to nor do they happen exactly how we want them to, so we once again take the reigns.

We do this over and over in our relationship with God.

We give Him the things in our life that we want Him to change or to have control over (and hopefully this is our whole lives) and we feel so happy and hopeful after we initially do so.

But then life happens.

We see things happening for everyone else and we start to wonder why things are not happening for us.

We question whether or not God is really working.

This eventually leads to us thinking that we know best and we take over and do things our way.

Over time we realize how wrong this is and we surrender things to God and ask Him to help us trust Him and have patience as we wait for His plan to unfold. 

As our relationship with God gets longer and gets stronger He does work in us and we gradually learn to be more patient about waiting for His plan to unfold in our lives.

This eventually leads to us having complete and total trust in God and His plan.

We learn that trusting Him and having patience eventually leads to the greatest rewards.

He rewards us for our trust and patience while we are still on this earth, but He has a reward that far outweighs them.

The ultimate reward for our trust and patience is getting to spend eternity with our Heavenly Father.

The more we trust Him and develop our patience the more joyful our relationship with God will be.

We will have rough times where we are discouraged and dismayed, but with trust and patience He will be with us through those times and He will bring us through them.

The more we cast our lives and our cares on Him and trust Him to handle them rather than reeling them back to ourselves the better our lives will be and the greater joy we will find in our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

"Cast your cares on the LORD

and he will sustain you;

he will never let

the righteous be shaken."

-Psalms 55:22

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Remember to cast your cares, your anxieties, and overall, your life onto God and He will take care of you!!

What If It's A Father I Need

A lot of you may now what this week was, but many may not.

This week was Suicide Awareness Week.

TWLOHA, or better known as To Write Love On Her Arms, has been spreading work of Suicide Awareness all week and they do so all throughout the year as well.

TWLOHA's goal is to have people write the word 'love' on their wrists in whatever language(s) they want.

This spreads the word because often people will ask why it is written on your wrist.

You then are given the chance to talk with someone about TWLOHA and suicide awareness.

This is something I take part in whenever possible.

I have a direct reason to based on friends and family who have committed suicide and then my own past.

This will probably be shocking to many of you, maybe not so much some or at least a few of you who may read this, but I myself came close to calling it quits.

Freshmen year of high school I was so stressed and overworked and I didn't know how to handle things or if people even cared at all, so I didn't think anyone would miss me if I ended it all.

Thankfully I had an awesome best friend at the time who helped me out.

He reminded me that even if no once else would have cared that I was gone, he would.

Just knowing that made the thought of ending it all seem pointless.

Had it not been for him who knows where I would be, let alone if I would even be here.

So a HUGE thank you goes out to Stephen and everything he helped me through that year!!

Now for more news.
We had chapel this morning here at my university.
Our chaplain had a student share her testimony as part of the service.
Sadly I could relate to quite a few parts of her story and it actually got me thinking about my past.
She mentioned that she has learned how to trust God as her Father even though her earthly fathers failed her.
It got me thinking and I realized that I still have not accepted that God really, truly is the only Father I need.
And He is my Heavenly Father.
My earthly father may have failed me many of times, but He will not.
It is hard to accept that fact and believe it when I do not know what it's like to have a father I can trust.
A father that I can believe in and trust my life with.
I'm trying to come to terms with this, but it isn't as easy as everyone likes to make it seem.
It is hard to let go of the past and the pain & hurt that comes with it.
He wants me to fully let go of that hurt, that pain, and that anger so that I can fully trust Him.
I just don't know how to go about doing so.
I don't feel like I can just let go of something like that.
It's a part of my past that has made me who I am today and He wants me to let go of it.
I know that if I let go of it then I can truly find my identity in Him and the healing that only He can bring.
I just wish I knew how best to go about it.
I've tried to let it go before but every time I try something comes along and brings it up again.
It seems like it is this chip in my shoulder that I can't get rid of even though I want to.
God wants me to give it all to him and to call Him my Father.
I just need to teach myself how best to go about doing that.
I am trying, however, and will continue to do so until I figure it out.

Falling at the feet of my Heavenly Father

These days it isn't uncommon in the least for children to not have a one or even both of their parents. In this world no one seems to think twice about it.

Divorce is common place and children grow up never knowing their parents.

It is more common for the father to leave, although it seems like this is changing these days.

The negatives of growing up without a father are constantly growing.

I myself have had to deal with this very issue.

Due to this I have had problems in my life, both in my relationships and my spiritual walk.

It is fairly easy to guess what the issues in relationships are.

However, it may not be so easy to see how it has impacted my relationship with Jesus.

Growing up without a positive fatherly image in my life has caused me to have trust issues along with many other issues I do not think are worth sharing at the moment.

This trust issue has caused me to not look positively at father figures.

Consequently this has made looking at God as a Father.

Trusting Him to be the Father that I have never had (and in all honesty could never have) is something that I have been struggling to do.

Many times throughout the past school year this was talked about by speakers in chapel.

It is something that I have been working on throughout this past year.

Many floor Bible studies also brought up the topic.

For some reason I just have trouble fully wrapping my mind around the thought that God is also my Heavenly Father.

I am not sure what keeps me from accepting it other than the fact that I previously mentioned.

I was reading my Bible today and ran across a couple verses that seemed to just click with me.

5A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.

6God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing.

-Psalm 68:5-6a

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."

-2 Corinthians 6:18

Even though I may not have had a father in my life showing me how a father is supposed to treat his children, there is a God who wants to show me how a true Father is supposed to treat His children.

My Heavenly Father has shown me and continues to show me what it is like and how blessed I am to be His child.

He is constantly protecting me and blessing me.

Like the Psalm says, God has placed me in a family.

He has placed me in an adopted extended family that is absolutely incredible!!

(I also don't get to see often enough!! This past week of Family Reunion was a blessing!!)

On top of that He has placed me in an amazing church family at Journey that I am continuously being blessed by whenever I am with them!!

God has shown me what it is truly like to be a child of the one Father who loves me unconditionally, continuously shows me grace and mercy, and never leaves me.

He is my Father and He always will be.

An earthly father may fail but my Heavenly Father will never fail.

Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. -Psalm 27:10

Trust

noun
- reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence
- confident expectation of something; hope
- to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something
- to have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on
- to believe


It is amazing how much trust that gets put into various people and things every day. Earthly things are held on a pedestal unlike they were in Bible times. We trust that our car will get us where we need to go without breaking down. We trust that our computers will let us finish our work, our paper, or our project without crashing. We trust that our heater will work correctly all winter so we don't freeze. We trust light bulbs to work so that we can see without using a candle. We trust that our electricity will continue working so our food doesn't go bad and our technology will continue working. We trust that the locks on our doors will keep robbers, kidnappers, and arsonists our of our house while we are sleeping. We have a habit of putting our trust in earthly, material objects. There is also the overwhelming tendency to trust other people.


Have you noticed how we like to trust people with every part of our lives? Our hopes, fears, dreams, desires, wishes. Even a lot of times our safety. We as humans feel this undying need to have another human know it all and to care about it all. We want to trust them with all of ourselves. It is like we do not feel complete unless there is someone that we can put all of our trust in. As human beings this is just our nature. God has created us to want that human connection, to want to trust each other. Unfortunately, we are society, a world, that is utterly broken. This trust that we desire is given and received, but it is also far to often broken. It is taken advantage of and because of that we are taken advantage of. All too often we find ourselves all alone and on our knees crying out for someone to care, for someone that we can truly trust. The thing is, this is a never ending cycle. We trust someone with all of ourselves, they break that trust and we get hurt, we find ourselves alone with the pain, then someone comes along and ensures us that we can trust them. So we do. This goes on and on and on. It is one of the worst parts of society.


I know I have been apart of this cycle. I find a friend and we get close, I trust them with everything, all of my secrets, only in the end to have them leave me. I find myself alone and crying out, silently it seems all too often, for someone to care and for someone that I can trust who will not leave. It has been a never ending cycle my whole life. One that I hope will come to an end at some point in the near future. I do not know how much longer I can stand it. Thing is, friends come and go & relationships are not all that my life is centered on, but there is one relationship that we need. We need that relationship that we are all given at birth, or at least given a chance at. We need a relationship with our parents, both of them, mother and father. This is a relationship that is essential to our growth as humans, yet one that few get the chance of having these days. This is due to out of wedlock births, rape, adoption (sometimes), war, famine, divorce, and many other things. However, it seems like divorce is one of the most prevalent these days. Marriage are falling apart like it is nothing. The most important trust relationship two people can have on this earth and it seems like few people are able to maintain these relationships. I myself have witnessed more marriages fall apart than I care to even count. One of these being that of my parents. My father never truly cared. I listened to the fights at night over money, food, and other things. Due to my parents inability to have a healthy relationship I never ended up having a relationship with my father. I feel like I should have been able to trust him and I could not and still cannot. I see friends deal with the same thing, but while I am here at college I listen to all these girls talking about their dads and all the memories they have and will make. It hurts to know that the relationship that I should have trusted the most is the one that I do not have nor will I ever have. 


Trusting people is not something I do very easily at all. I do not feel like I can trust people therefore I do not open up to anyone because when I do they leave and I get hurt. I know that this is not something I should worry about because God has me in His hands and I can trust Him with every aspect of my life. Even when the rest of the world does not have my trust, God has it and I know that He is the only one that ever needs my full trust. His plans for my life are incredible I am sure and I have no doubt that He has someone down the road waiting for me who I will be able to trust completely. My trust is in my Heavenly Father and that is where I find my comfort, hope, and peace. God is my loving Father and I feel like the luckiest daughter in the world!