Can You Turn My Black Roses Red?

27 January 2013


It's a four letter word.
A simple four letter word.
But it has a complex meaning.

What is love?
What makes me afraid of it?
Why does it scare me so much?

I have been asking myself these questions a lot in recent months, especially the past few days.
We had a couple come for chapel this past week and they talked about relationships.
(It was the Smalleys who spoke in chapel.)
On Wednesday I did not really pay attention because they were just telling the story of how they met.
However, for Thursdays chapel they split us up by guys and girls.
The husband talked to the guys at one location, while the wife talked to us girls in the chapel.
I ended up really paying attention on Thursday because it resonated with me.
She talked some more about how her and her husband met and I kind of tuned that part out.
I did start paying attention when she started talking about how we should look at relationships.
She mentioned that we need to pay attention to the guys in our lives who match up with the things we are looking for.
Sometimes we friend-zone the guys who match up with our 'list' of things we want in a guy.
Maybe we want someone who is caring, compassionate, and respectful.
Maybe we want someone who is outgoing, spontaneous, and humorous.
(All assuming he is a Christian.)
Maybe we want any number of things.
And maybe there is a guy in our lives who matches up with that list in a way that is almost perfect.
But we have been ignoring him because we think of him as just a friend or brother in Christ.
Sometimes we need to step back and take a good look at the guys in our lives.
These friends/brothers in Christ that we have friend-zoned may like us like crazy, but have not said anything.
Whether it is because we are dating someone at the time, think they are not good enough, or whatever reason, they do not say anything to us.
Yet if we step back and look at them we may just realize that God has put the perfect guy for us in our lives already.
God knows who the right guy is but sometimes we have a knack of just being friends or ignoring them completely.
Why on earth do we, as females, do this so often?
What she was saying hit me and just resonated with me because of some relationship things I am trying to figure out.
It really got me thinking and making some decisions.

But then some other things hit me as well.
These things are personal things and they do not really relate to her topic from chapel.
However, they are still extremely relevant for me.

I actually just talked with my RA a little while earlier this afternoon (like an hour ago or so) about it.
(*NOTE: This is all about a specific guy and some of you reading this know who it is.)
She asked me if there was a reason I had not said anything to him about what is going on with us.
Why had I not made some sort of initiation of contact?
I answered with the truth about how I am old fashioned and think that the guy should initiate as I see it as a part of him being the leader in the relationship.
We talked a little more on that and then she went a little deeper.
She said that she thinks that I am holding back.
She said that although I have this great guy in my life and we like each other, I am holding back on a personal level.
She then proceeded to ask me if there was something that was causing me to be holding back.
I really just had to stop and just say that I find it extremely hard to trust guys.
She asked why and I told her.
I told her that it is hard when you watch marriage relationships falling apart left and right, engagements broke off and serious dating relationships with years behind them fall to shambles.
I told her that it is hard when all of your bestfriends (all of whom were guys because I can relate to them easier) left after a short while, whether for a legit reason or they just fell off the face of the planet.
I also told her that it is hard when the one guy who is supposed to be there for you, encourage you, and most of all, love you, decides that he could not care less and does not take part in your life.
I told her that it is hard when almost every guy that has ever been in my life has left after a short while of knowing each other and getting close.
When guy after guy after guy just leaves you and did not even care enough to explain why, it is extremely hard to trust.
My RA then made the observation that I do not let myself step out personally and trust guys because they always end up leaving and they always end up hurting me.

I could not deny that she hit the nail on the head.
We talked some more about all of it and it got me thinking.
 The only reason I have not said anything to him is because I am scared to let him in.
Because although I have shared a lot with him, there is still a lot he does not know.
Because I am afraid that by opening myself up to the possibility of letting him love me I will be deeply hurt if it does not work out with him.
Because by letting him in in such a deep way means he will find out about these fears.

Ultimately I am afraid to open myself up to let him love me because I do not want to get hurt again.

It all comes down to the fact that I am deeply, deeply afraid of letting someone love me.
I am deeply afraid of opening myself up and trusting someone.

He is such a great guy and I feel like God put him in my life for a reason.
As crazy as it seems, from everything I know, he meets the 'list'.
I look forward to being able to see him and spend time with him.
He is the first person I want to share things with, whether good or bad.
He is the one that I feel I can be myself around the most.
He is the quiet but steady strength and encouragement that I need.
He is a man of God and a spiritual leader.
(^^^Such a huge thing!!!!)
He enjoys kids and he is good with them.
 He understands all of the medical stuff I deal with daily.
He understands the legal issues as well.

I could go on but I do not think that I need to.
Just sitting here typing this I am realizing something I had not yet realized.
I am suddenly feeling peace and reassurance about what to do.
It is still going to be a day to day struggle with all of this and the distance.
Yet I believe that if this is what God has planned then it will work out the right way at the right time.
It is all in His hands.

1 comment:

  1. I just wanted to say that this post is beautiful :) and I know exactly how you feel. I have felt it. It took me a very VERY long time to let Alex into my life, simply because of some of the ways that guys have deeply hurt me and abandoned me in the past. But let me say, that when you find that guy (which it seems you already have!) that meets your "list" and is the one person that you feel safe with, and you do finally let him in, it is the most BEAUTIFUL feeling in the world :) Like Nellie said today, you can be traditional and old-fashioned, while still giving that guy the little push he needs to initiate conversation. If something comes of it, AWESOME. If not, then at least you will know :) Best of Luck to you girlie, I love you like you were my sister!



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