Well it's Friday once again! Where has the week gone?! Seems like yesterday I was trying to make sure my homework was prepped for the week and now I'm working on next week and finals. (Dare I mention that dreaded last week of the semester...) but at the beginning of the week I got my haircut and I got new glasses! Yay! Forgive the horrible picture but my mom wanted to see so this is the one I got.

One of my friends said I look like a nerd...a cute nerd though! I'm excited about the fact that I can see again so there's always that! I'm getting ready for a crazy weekend. A trip into Chicago tomorrow night to pick up my youngest sister who is staying with me for a few days. Prepping my portfolio for my major. Researching for my exegesis. Reading a book for a test after break. Figuring out field experience stuff. Getting ready for Thanksgiving break. It's crazy!!

It's going to be good though! I hope you all have wonderful weekends!!

Feeling Stuck

     So for a while now I have been contemplating this post and I have put it off continuously because I didn't know how people would take it. I don't want people to think I'm whining or complaining. I really do not want that to seem like the intention. I want to be honest with y'all and I think that this is needed. So...Real Talk...

     For a few weeks now, and in all honesty, this whole semester, I have really just been down. I feel like there is this constant cloud over my head and it just will not go away. I think it really hit hard around the second week of September. I couldn't figure out what was wrong for a while, so I just dealt with the slump and took it as it was. It just kept gnawing at me. I thought maybe I just wasn't getting enough, but after changing my sleeping schedule I didn't see any improvement. I tried changing my diet to no avail. I tried altering who I was spending my time around and once again there wasn't a change. I prayed about it, for either it to go away or for the reason behind it to be shown so I could work on it. Little did I know I was going to get slapped in the face with the reason just a few weeks later.

     I started to talk with someone I follow on Tumblr (another blogging site for those who don't know). We've been following each other for a while so it made sense that we start talking. We talked for a couple weeks straight, pretty much day in and day out. We are like the same person so it's been fun getting to know him. However, things began getting deep much faster than I anticipated. In a matter of the first few days we were ridiculously close and the prospect of what would happen down the road came up. Suddenly I had a few realizations...1) he lives close to 14hrs away, 2) I signed a contract for work and can't start a relationship for at least the next 12 months, possibly more, and 3) I was suddenly much farther down than before. I felt like I had slammed face first into concrete. My mind was racing and I had a billion thoughts running through my head, few of them positive. 

     After some of the things he said I was getting hit with thoughts that made me feel so worthless that I couldn't find a single worthy thing without negating it with an unworthy one. His words and how he talked to me were far better than anyone, outside of my bestfriend, had ever spoke in regards to me. I felt like I didn't deserve that. None of the messed up, broken parts of me deserved that. If he knew what my past was like, he wouldn't be saying those things. I can't live up to those things. Some other girl deserves those words. I am far unworthy and undeserving of it all. 

     I was getting bombarded with these thoughts and many, many more like them. I was a big mess. I finally ended up grabbing lunch with my friend Bri one day after I texted her asking for her to pray for me. I ended up telling her the basics of this and she wholeheartedly disagreed with all of the above statements. She was adamant about telling me that I deserve it and so much more. That I do deserve a guy to treat me the way he was, not because I did anything to deserve it but because I am a daughter of the Heavenly Father and He wants me to have that and so much more. After I replied that I knew that a time or two, she proceeded to say something else. She said, "I know you know, but you don't believe it and that's the problem." ...Talk about being punched in the gut. I broke eye contact and awkwardly chuckled while looking at the table. It was all the confirmation she needed.

     She was right. I know that I deserve it, I know it like the back of my hand, but I have a very hard time believing it. Not because I don't want to, because it is in fact quite the opposite. It just happens that I grew up believing that I wasn't worth it. Pretty much every guy looking back on my life has either told me directly or indirectly that I was not worthy, that I didn't measure up. All the way back to the one earthly man who should have reminded me that I was worthy of guy treating me well. But he didn't. My earthly father made it a point to remind me often that I wasn't good enough and that I would never be. I learned early on that men like to be in control and they often take advantage of it. They use this control in negative ways more often than not. Often this power is used to remind women/girls that they aren't worthy of being treated well or being respected. So I grew up with that mind set that I wasn't worthy. I still have a very, very hard time grasping that truth.

     It tends to come through in other areas as well. The last couple weeks it has come out in regards to friendships and work. I always seem to be the second choice. I never quite measure up. I'm an after thought, rarely the first to cross anyone's mind. People deny it if I mention it but their actions say otherwise. I'm the one people go to when everyone else disappears or is too busy, the last resort. I never quite measure up to where everyone else is and it seems to be pointed out regularly. Or I exceed it and get pushed to the side because of it. I've just come to accept it. It is what it is.

     I'm sorry for my little (or not so little) rant of sorts, but I needed to pit it somewhere. I really hope this doesn't come across as whining or complaining. I sincerely hope that is not the case. I'm just feeling low and like I'm stuck. I don't really know where to turn right now because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I just needed to write it down somewhere. 

Reissued Fender

So these last two days I was at a Pastor's Conference put on by IBSA. I was there to work for the most part. I helped with greeting people and just taking care of whatever things needed to be taken care of. I also got to be babysitter for quite a bit of it for my worship pastor's baby boy. When I got on the bus to head to Springfield on Tuesday morning I was tired but excited to be there and to see people from across the state. Despite being tired, Tuesday was a good day. Then we got to the last speaker of the day (his name escapes me). He was telling a bit about his story and brought into the message that he and his wife have a guitar shop. He brought in two guitars to use as visuals for his message. They were both Fenders, but there was a big difference between them. One was a classic Fender from the 50s and the other was a reissued Fender from mid-2000s. What's the difference you may be asking? Let me explain.

     The classic Fender is still the same as it was when it was made. It didn't look the prettiest. There was a cigarette burn on it, scratches, and so on. But it still sounded nice and played nice. This Fender is worth a ton of money and people will do a lot to get their hands on one. The reissued Fender on the other hand looks beautiful. It had a gorgeous stain, no scratches, and no burns. It played really good and it sounded really good. Yet this beautiful guitar only sells for around half the price of the classic. People aren't as interested in the reissued Fender.

     Why is one more valuable than the other? Well you see, the reissued Fender was made by some person we couldn't name, while the classic guitar was made by someone incredible. It was made by the master himself, Mr. Fender. 

     The speaker proceeded to connect this to us. The classic guitar is the child of God. He created us and designed us. We were designed by the Master Himself. Over the course of our journey, our life, we get scratched up, bandaged up, and burned. Yet when we are truly in a relationship with Him and trusting Him we are like that guitar. We play good and we sound good. We still live life according to His guidance and we still speak of Hi grace, forgiveness, and peace. We don't look pretty due to damage from the world, but we still play and sound good. We are wanted and our worth is incredibly high. 

     The reissued Fender would be those who aren't in relationship with God. They've been stained by the world and that stain can look absolutely gorgeous when you look at it. They also have been through the same junk that the children of God but they are redoing themselves so that they look shiny and new. They've learned what to say and do so that no one suspects anything. They are inticing. They play really good and they sound really good. But despite looking good on the outside and playing and sounding nice, the reissued Fenders aren't worth near as much as the classics. People don't want them. They really don't have much value.

     I know which one that most everyone would say I am, but it's not the one that I feel like I am a lot of times. Far too often I see myself as the reissued Fender. I look like I've got everything together, I do what I'm supposed to do (really want to do) , and I say the right things. A lot of times the things I do and say aren't worldly, but I feel like I use those things to cover up the scratches, bruises, and burns that I have. I feel that my worth is half of what everyone else's is and that no one wants me. These things stem from my past and I hate having them come up over and over, so I try to hide them. I cover them up my making it seem like I've got it all together. I say the right things and I do the right things. I put a smile on and do my best to cheer everyone else up even when I'm at rock bottom. These words and actions are the stain that I use to cover up the bruises, scratches, and burns. To make myself look pretty to everyone else. And it works all the time. Very few people would even take a guess at the number of days that I've used that stain to make it look like I was pretty, like everything was wonderful. 

     This message hit me hard because I've been having a rough week or so dealing with a lot of feelings of not being worthy of so many things. I was wondering why I have what I have because I am far from worthy. Everything that I've done and been through makes it really easy to believe that I am not worthy. That my worth is extremely low and no one wants me.its been on my mind and really pushing me down for several days now and that message was icing on the cake. That description of the reissued Fender hit home. I realized that I am that reissued Fender, or at least I feel like it a lot. 

     While I was feeling pretty down in the dumps last night and today, I was also trying to do my best to make sure a close friend/'brother' of mine was doing okay and that he knew I had his back. It hasn't been an easy couple weeks but I'm working on getting past it. Getting lots of baby time yesterday and today always serves for a wonderful distraction and I welcomed it with open arms. But now I have a lot of time to focus on this analogy that was presented. I want to figure out how I get beyond feeling like the reissued Fender....because I'm not a fan of it.

Ponds Are TONGUES Of Fun

So for those of you who don't know, I am a Child Development major at my university. This means that I am apart of the Family and Consumer Sciences Department. It also means that I have to take a handful of Education classes for preschool. I am currently in Methods of Early Childhood Education. It is a fun class and our professor is absolutely wonderful! She's an older lady and she's super sweet!

For this class we are doing one week long Thematic Units. This is a group,project and so I am with three other girls from my class. We ended up choosing the topic of Ponds and Living Things. We have been working on writing lesson plans, making a web cluster, family newsletter, and so on. One of our projects was to create an Interactive Bulletin Board. So we made this...

                             

There are little flies with the vocabulary words on them and they are in the black pocket on the tree.

The flies are laminated so that they won't get bent or anything.

There are frog tongues of varying lengths to reach item that we will be talking about.

The students will pin the correct fly on the correct pond item, then they will find the tongue that is the right length to reach from the frog to the pond item and pin it up.

It works on length/measurement, fine motor skills, vocabulary, science (frog life cycle), and texture.

The algae is made of lime green spider web from the Halloween decorations available at Walmart.

The tops of the cat tails I made myself with items from the dollar store.

They are made from small foam balls from the floral,section and brown fuzzy gloves.

I used floral pins to hold the foam together (two for each top) and put them in a glove.

I then used needle and thread to sew around the foam.

I proceeded to cut the excess off.

Tada!!! Cattail tops!

We just pinned them on and called it good.

It makes it 3D and give them another texture to feel!

It was fun to make and looks great!

Weekly Wishes #1

***Note: This was supposed to be posted on Monday but the publishing app I use has been acting up and it never posted it. Wish it had posted earlier, but I hope you enjoy!

Hello lovely readers! I have not been the greatest at keeping up with this along with everything else I have had going on at school. I can't really say that I am sorry as I needed the time I would have used for blogging in order to study for tests, write papers, and work on projects. I am trying to figure out some ways that I can post more often despite my crazy schedule. I will share one of them soon! This week I am trying something new...I am going to be posting weekly wishes (goals) every Sunday or Monday night.

This weeks wishes/goals are:

Spend more time in His Word. I am really wanting to get better at daily spending time in His Word and to do it outside of Chapel, Bible study, and youth group. As I am finding myself working in ministry more and more, as well as looking into adding a Ministry minor, it seems necessary and beneficial to increase my knowledge of the Scriptures. It is also something that I have felt strongly about lately in regards to my personal walk. I often find myself focusing on music to worship Him and spend time with Him. It isn't a bad thing, but reading His Word is key and I haven't been doing my best. So that is my first goal this week.

Be intentional. I am in relation with so many different people throughout my days and weeks. Yet I rarely take time to intentionally communicate or interact with a lot of them. The same goes with my campers from the summer and my youth group. I need to be much more intentional about communicating with them as it is good for us, as well as the fact that it will strengthen my relationship with all of them. I also want to try and be intentional about communicating with my professors as well.

Be conscientious about what I eat. As a college student this isn't exactly an easy one as we a lot of times have no choice but to partake of the not so high quality cafeteria food. Don't get me wrong,we have far better food than a lot of places and far more options. However, it doesn't always taste like it should (at least to me and my fancy food taste buds). I generally don't find it to be too much of an issue to eat fairly healthy, especially since I keep whole grains, veggies, and lean meats in the apartment. However, we all know that late night food runs happen on the late study nights or movie nights. Care packages come full of sweets and homemade goodies. Pizza gets ordered far more often than we would ever like to admit. It isn't always easy to stick to a healthy diet or start one up. I just want to cut back on my sweets intake, as that is my worst area due to my candy stash under my desk. This will probably be difficult as one of my roommates made Oreo Balls and they are sitting in the fridge...oh the temptation!

Well those are my wishes/goals for this week. Looking forward to filling you all in on it on Sunday or Monday. New posts coming soon!

Love you all! Have a wonderful week! God bless! :)