When I think back over my life and relive all kinds of memories, the very best memories and moments all seem to have taken place around one central point, whether in part or in whole. This central point just so happens to be the table. It wasn't always your typical table. Sometimes the table was a makeshift one in the middle of the living room floor or a park, sometimes the table was a fancy dining room table. Sometimes it was our own laps and other times it was porch railings. The form that the table took was never inherently important. What truly mattered was who was around the table. 
In some instances the people around the table were close family and friends, people I had known most of my life if not my whole life. There were times that they were friends I had known only a short time, acquaintances I knew merely by name, and sometimes they were people I met when they sat down. The variety of people is incredible to me. So many faces, personalities and stories have been gathered around these tables throughout my life. I have spent many, many hours around tables sharing funny stories and laughing with some of my closest friends and family. I have spent just as many hours around tables just sharing about life and learning the basics about people's lives. I have also spent a significant amount of time around tables sharing sorrows and pains and crying with people. The number of people has been different every time, but the honesty and truthfulness has been there regardless. Sometimes there are 30-40 of us taking up two long tables that we put into an L-shape where we are rubbing elbows the entire time while laughing constantly. Other times it is a one-on-one coffee date where we are talking about the hard parts of life.
No matter what form the table or the company takes, there is a huge significance to that simple item at the heart of it. The table. When we gather around the table there is almost always food and drink. We come for sustenance and nourishment. We come for great food and wonderful drinks. Most importantly, we come to the table to share our company. We gather around the table with people. The funny part about gathering around the table, with or without food, is that there is something inherently intimate about it. There is a connection that comes with gathering around such a simple item that cannot be imitated. As we gather together it is like our walls drop and suddenly we are vulnerable. I don't know exactly why that happens and I have a feeling it is different for everyone. 
During this last school year my seven roommates and I gathered at 9:30pm on Thursday nights to have a Bible study. We never did get started on time because we came in and would share how our days had went as we found a place to sit. Often times we brought our mugs either already filled or ready to be filled with coffee, tea or hot chocolate, blankets, and food of some sort. Sometimes we made cookies, brownies or cupcakes, other times it was chocolate of some sort, holiday candy, or chips/pretzels. We weren't too picky. The coffee table become a small buffet and we gathered around with Bibles and blankets. The mood was different every week as we all came in with our own burdens and joys. One week we were cracking up at everything and unable to stay serious for more than a couple minutes, and the next we were quiet and contemplative with our comments few. Many nights when we got to prayer requests someone would share a challenge or difficulty in their life and many times there were tears that accompanied it. In the openness and sincerity of the moments in the apartment our struggles both in our walk with God and our daily lives were shared with everyone. We shared the joy and the pain. We were there to celebrate with one another and to grieve with one another. On those nights we gathered around the table to share not only God's word, but our lives with each other. 
Gathering around the table with people is such a wonderful blessing. There are incredible moments and memories that come from the times when we grab a seat around the table and share with those we love. As I get ready to head into another year of school and living in a new apartment with three lovely ladies that I have never lived with before, I am really thinking about and processing the importance of life around the table. Bonds are formed and memories created. I really want to strive to be intentional about the time I spend around the table with others this year. I want to focus on building and strengthening relationships, as well as being open and honest with the people i'm around. There is a whole lot of hospitality that goes along with this, as you open your door and your life for others to come into. Shauna Niequist says the following in her book Bread & Wine: A Love Letter To Life Around The Table, "The heart of hospitality is about creating space for someone to feel seen and heard and loved. It's about declaring your table a safe zone, a place of warmth and nourishment.” I want our apartment and our table to be a place like this. Somewhere for people to come and relax, to share life with us, and to feel welcome at any time. 
What does the table mean to you? How have you been affected by what happens when we gather around the table? Do you see the importance of the table in your everyday life?

A Late 4th of July Recap

Like I said on Saturday, the last couple of weeks have been crazy. Thus I am posting my 4th of July recap on the 19th. I'm two weeks late but at least I am posting them. For the 4th we go out to the Community College and set up there just after lunch. We bring canopies, chairs, tables, food and water, cornhole, and other games. It is offered at church as an open church event, but within a community event. People from church come out and bring their chairs, food and such and we all just hang out. It's a great time of fellowship while we enjoy a nice day, play frisbee and cornhole, as well as interact with friends from the community who are there.

The guys all look so thrilled and energetic ;)

All of us interns went out just after lunch and set everything up so that it was ready when everyone else go there. Once everything was set up we got to relax for a little bit. The guys just look so thrilled to be out there don't they lol. They actually had a good time, they just didn't know I was taking this picture. We helped monitor the bounce houses again this year which is fun but it can tedious since we just stand there and tell kids when they can go up and come down. But it is fun at the same time since we get to interact with the kids. 

Chad, Mark, Bri and David playing football

Throughout the day we had games of cornhole, frisbee, football and t-ball going on. We had some family visitors there and we always have some people from the Kankakee Valley Theatre Association group come hang out for a little while which is fun. Bri got to join us for the day since she was in town and not touring that day.

Broshi, Caleb, Andy & Jarrod (somewhere) playing football and Caitlyn was playing with a child

All around it was a great day and for the first year in a while it was a mild day. It was perfect to be out and about for the 4th. We got to enjoy the Kankakee Valley Youth Symphony Orchestra and the Kankakee Valley Symphony Orchestra. They also do a military tribute for all the branches and that was hard for some people there as it reminded them of relatives who are no longer with them. The KVSO played the some music from Star Wars if I remember correctly.

Some more of the crew

Ignore the quality of these pictures. I was taking them from my iPad one handed and in a fairly quick manner since my ice cream was melting! And the green smoke in the background was someone setting off a stink bomb. That was not pleasant in the least. Once it hit about 7:30ish we went ahead and took down canopies and tables. We took everything we didn't need to watch fireworks back to the bus so that we didn't have to take it down and carry it down in the midst of the chaos of everyone packing up and heading out. About 8:30 they started the fireworks.

 

It was a great show and it was a beautiful night for it. Minus the bugs who seemed to like everyone that night. Once the show was over we picked up all our trash, gathered the camp chairs, and grabbed the last cooler. We headed to the bus and we prepped for the best part of the night yet. See, we've become smart in how we do the heading out part of the night. There are so many people all trying to get out at once that it is mass chaos and takes forever. So we bring a cooler full of about 6 or 7 watermelon, a big sharp knife, salt, trash bags and plenty of napkins. We popped up a table and laid out a plastic cover, then out came the watermelon. We cut them up and people just come and grab them. Friends are invited to join us and it's a great time to fellowship and enjoying the evening while everyone else is stressed about getting out. We generally have a decent sized group. It doesn't take long to go through all of the watermelons as you can guess! By the time we finish though, the parking lot is pretty much empty and we have an easy time packing up and leaving. It's a great way to end out the day!!

One quick story from the night. A friend of ours, Jade, and her family joined us for watermelon after the show. She had went with us to camp the week before and had become friends with all of us interns. Well, Broshi is affectionately referred to as being "swole". He had told Jade that saying "swole" when you pick up something heavy, or in this case try to break a big triangular piece of watermelon, it makes the task easier. Jade didn't think it would work but tried anyway. So here we are all standing there talking, laughing and enjoying our watermelon when all of a sudden Jade says, "Swole!" quite loudly. At the same time she is saying it she attempts to break the watermelon. Much to her surprise and everyone else's, the piece of watermelon broke ridiculously easy. The look of shock on her face was so great! We all just busted out laughing while she just stood there amazed at what just happened. So funny!! To say the least, she believes him now.

Anyways, that's enough for the crazy stories. Have a great day! God Bless!

Feeling Stuck

     So for a while now I have been contemplating this post and I have put it off continuously because I didn't know how people would take it. I don't want people to think I'm whining or complaining. I really do not want that to seem like the intention. I want to be honest with y'all and I think that this is needed. So...Real Talk...

     For a few weeks now, and in all honesty, this whole semester, I have really just been down. I feel like there is this constant cloud over my head and it just will not go away. I think it really hit hard around the second week of September. I couldn't figure out what was wrong for a while, so I just dealt with the slump and took it as it was. It just kept gnawing at me. I thought maybe I just wasn't getting enough, but after changing my sleeping schedule I didn't see any improvement. I tried changing my diet to no avail. I tried altering who I was spending my time around and once again there wasn't a change. I prayed about it, for either it to go away or for the reason behind it to be shown so I could work on it. Little did I know I was going to get slapped in the face with the reason just a few weeks later.

     I started to talk with someone I follow on Tumblr (another blogging site for those who don't know). We've been following each other for a while so it made sense that we start talking. We talked for a couple weeks straight, pretty much day in and day out. We are like the same person so it's been fun getting to know him. However, things began getting deep much faster than I anticipated. In a matter of the first few days we were ridiculously close and the prospect of what would happen down the road came up. Suddenly I had a few realizations...1) he lives close to 14hrs away, 2) I signed a contract for work and can't start a relationship for at least the next 12 months, possibly more, and 3) I was suddenly much farther down than before. I felt like I had slammed face first into concrete. My mind was racing and I had a billion thoughts running through my head, few of them positive. 

     After some of the things he said I was getting hit with thoughts that made me feel so worthless that I couldn't find a single worthy thing without negating it with an unworthy one. His words and how he talked to me were far better than anyone, outside of my bestfriend, had ever spoke in regards to me. I felt like I didn't deserve that. None of the messed up, broken parts of me deserved that. If he knew what my past was like, he wouldn't be saying those things. I can't live up to those things. Some other girl deserves those words. I am far unworthy and undeserving of it all. 

     I was getting bombarded with these thoughts and many, many more like them. I was a big mess. I finally ended up grabbing lunch with my friend Bri one day after I texted her asking for her to pray for me. I ended up telling her the basics of this and she wholeheartedly disagreed with all of the above statements. She was adamant about telling me that I deserve it and so much more. That I do deserve a guy to treat me the way he was, not because I did anything to deserve it but because I am a daughter of the Heavenly Father and He wants me to have that and so much more. After I replied that I knew that a time or two, she proceeded to say something else. She said, "I know you know, but you don't believe it and that's the problem." ...Talk about being punched in the gut. I broke eye contact and awkwardly chuckled while looking at the table. It was all the confirmation she needed.

     She was right. I know that I deserve it, I know it like the back of my hand, but I have a very hard time believing it. Not because I don't want to, because it is in fact quite the opposite. It just happens that I grew up believing that I wasn't worth it. Pretty much every guy looking back on my life has either told me directly or indirectly that I was not worthy, that I didn't measure up. All the way back to the one earthly man who should have reminded me that I was worthy of guy treating me well. But he didn't. My earthly father made it a point to remind me often that I wasn't good enough and that I would never be. I learned early on that men like to be in control and they often take advantage of it. They use this control in negative ways more often than not. Often this power is used to remind women/girls that they aren't worthy of being treated well or being respected. So I grew up with that mind set that I wasn't worthy. I still have a very, very hard time grasping that truth.

     It tends to come through in other areas as well. The last couple weeks it has come out in regards to friendships and work. I always seem to be the second choice. I never quite measure up. I'm an after thought, rarely the first to cross anyone's mind. People deny it if I mention it but their actions say otherwise. I'm the one people go to when everyone else disappears or is too busy, the last resort. I never quite measure up to where everyone else is and it seems to be pointed out regularly. Or I exceed it and get pushed to the side because of it. I've just come to accept it. It is what it is.

     I'm sorry for my little (or not so little) rant of sorts, but I needed to pit it somewhere. I really hope this doesn't come across as whining or complaining. I sincerely hope that is not the case. I'm just feeling low and like I'm stuck. I don't really know where to turn right now because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I just needed to write it down somewhere. 

Throwback Thursday

It's that time of the week again!!

I know I didn't post a throwback last week because I was busy and it got put off.

However, I am back with one this week.

This throwback is not from many years ago, but rather from just about 2 years ago.

It comes from my freshman year of college.

We are quite an attractive group at 3am aren't we? Lol!

This group of awesome ladies pictured above is roughly half of my freshman dorm floor.

There are about 15 or so of us (most of which are pictured) that still hang out on a regular basis.

These ladies are some of the most awesome friends I could have asked for during my first year of college.

They have been an amazing support system on the good days, as well as the bad.

Collectively as a group we have been through all kinds of things.

In individual groups of 2-4 we have gone through numerous trials of all kinds.

I have had the opportunity to room with two of the lovely ladies in the above picture.

And this coming year I will have the opportunity to room with a couple of other girls from my floor, although they are not pictured above.

God knew exactly what He was doing when He put us all together on one floor that first year.

He has given us awesome friends! Sisters for life!

I got the blessing of not only rooming with 50 awesome ladies my freshman year, but getting to room with 10 of those awesome ladies my sophmore year.

There are 8 of us that will be living in the same apartment complex next year.

There will be many others visiting on a regular basis though, so that number is just those actually listed as living there.

I am so blessed to have connections with all of these amazing sisters in Christ.

While we have all grown and done our own thing, we have supported each other and come alongside each other throughout it all.

I have lived life with so many of them and shared some intense heart to hearts with a handful.

These ladies are some of the most amazing people I have met at college!

Sometimes I wish I could go back and relive some of the crazy, silly moments just because.

Yet at the same time I look forward to all of the wonderful memories we will make in the future!

God brought us all together for a reason and while I do not know in whole what that is, I have seen Him in so many of my interactions with these ladies.

Many of them have had a huge impact on my walk with God, most in very positive ways!

I could not have asked for a better group of Christ following sisters to share my college years & many beyond with.

They are a blessing to me on a daily basis and I thank God for them daily!!

Good Food, Tickets, & Good Company {Friday Blog Hop}

Hey everyone!!

This post is coming a little bit late for Friday, but I wanted to wait until after this evening to post.

A couple friends of mine have birthdays this month, one yesterday (24th) and one next week.

We decided to do one combined outing for their birthdays and tonight was the chosen night for this.

We ventured up to Orland Park and spent the first couple hours hanging at the mall.

Our next stop for the evening was Dave & Busters.

It was a new experience for almost everyone who went.

From left: Trent, Malik, Chad, Caleb, Rachel, Me, Caitlin, & Rozy is taking the picture.

The two birthdays belong to the two farthest to the left...Trent & Malik.

This was right after we got to D & B's and ordered.

Rachel, Rozy, & Me

A handful of pictures were taken along with some Vines.

It was a great time to just talk with everyone about life and the upcoming summer.

There was also a slight debacle over who is better...Cubs or Reds?

Our food came after a short while and everyone else had normal sized plates of food.

Except for me that is.

I ordered what looked like an average sized chef salad thing called 'The Lawnmower'.

This is what came...

 This seems fairly okay from this angle, although it still seems big.

But when taken from a different angle it looks so much bigger.

This was a shot that apparently is a must have when you have such a large plate...

Super classy right??

This is definitely not one of the best pictures of me ever.

There were all kinds of things on this salad.

There were red & green peppers, onions, bacon bits, blue cheese crumbles, chicken, avocado, radishes, tomatoes, and hard boiled eggs, all on tome of romaine lettuce.

This was like the ultimate chef salad.

With the raspberry vinaigrette dressing...so good!!!

It took a bit but I was determined to finish the whole thing...

All gone!!

It really wasn't as much food as you might think.

With it being lettuce with all the toppings, it really wasn't too heavy.

It was so good and it was very filling.

Definitely a good choice!!

The guys got a brownie sundae to share and after that we headed to the arcade.

We spent a couple hours just wandering around and playing different games.

I personally did not get a card to play any games but it was fun to just walk around with everyone.

There were lots of tickets won and therefore a lot of time spent in the gift shop.

One the 10pm mark rolled around you could tell everyone was starting to get tired.

The kids were getting cranky, headaches were coming, and all of us adults were yawning like crazy.

We packed up and headed out.

Tried to stop for some ice cream at Culver's, only to find out they close at 10.

Sad cheese :(

Oh well, it was still a great night of celebration.

It was a long ride home, but Malik's girlfriend Bri called.

So I got to talk with her for a few minutes which was awesome.

I miss that girl like crazy and wish she was down here instead of up in Michigan.

So that was the biggest event of my day.

I did have a big moment just before all of this when I was at the church office.

I was alone and I didn't realize that there was a way to let the other people sharing the building know someone was in the office.

It turned out that while I was doing my thing everyone from the other side of the building left.

When they did so they not only locked up their side of the building, but also turned on the building alarm.

Not knowing this I walked out to the main part of the office to throw something away and was startled when alarms started going off.

I texted my pastor and he told me he was on his way, to stay there and the police would be there soon.

Little did I know that I wouldn't be able to let them into the building.

The main door is deadbolted, but you have to have a key to unlock it from outside and inside.

Turns out you have to use the window as an access point.

All in all it was turned off and everything was fine.

It was just craziness and a bit nerve racking not being able to fix it right away.

It was a fun first adventure in the church office for the summer.

I also found out that if you turn on the light in the main part of the office then other people don't turn on the alarm system and then lock you in the building.

Who would have guessed?

Anyways, those were the highlights of my day.

I also ended up coming across a blog hop today.

It is a pretty awesome blog hop that is based on Bloglovin'.

There is a link up on the right in my sidebar.

It goes back to Bloglovin', but if you search 'Let's be friends Bloglovin' hop' in Google then it will bring up a ton of blogs who host this blog hop.

I was able to connect with a couple new blogs this week and look forward to meeting more next week!!

Well that's all for now!

Happy Friday/Early Saturday!!

Passion Can Lead To Purpose

     Have you ever found yourself in a position where you are so tired and worn out with what you are currently doing that you wonder if it is really what you want to do? Has this made you question what you purpose is in life? Or maybe you are okay with what you are doing but still find yourself questioning what your purpose is. Sometimes we can start out doing something that we enjoy, at least at the time, and we our happy, but as time goes on we realize that it is not what we really want to do. Whether it be work, a long-term volunteer position, school (or a particular major), or any number of things, it can start draining us mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually. As it wears us out more and more we find it affecting our relationships with family and friends, our hobbies and activities, even our faith. We lack peace and joy in every aspect of our lives. Sure there may be moments when we feel those things, but overall we do not.

     There are all kinds of excuses for why we stay in positions where we feel no enjoyment and that drain us. Maybe we feel like we have to stay in the position we are in because of the security it provides. Maybe we feel like we will be letting people down if we do something else. Maybe we feel like we just are not good enough at anything else to do something else. Whatever the case may be, this is not how we should go about our lives.

     If this was the world that God initially intended it to be then we would all be able to spend our days doing the things that we enjoy doing, that we are passionate about. However, we do not live in that world but rather in this fallen world. It is not always easy for us to spend our live doing exactly that which we enjoy the most. What we can do however, is adjust our lives to fit the strengths that God has given us in a better way. This may not mean that we are able to do the exact thing that we most enjoy, but we can do something that is close to that or involves many aspects of it. By redirecting the things that we are doing to more closely fit the strengths that God gave us, we will be able to rediscover the joy and the happiness that God intends for us to have about life.

     For some of use we may not know what our strengths or gifts are, but it can be easy figure that out. You may feel like you are looking everywhere to figure out what your strengths are and it may seem like you have none or if you have any they are hidden. But here is a thought... Have you ever wondered if maybe you are looking in the wrong places or focusing on the wrong things? If you cannot figure out what to focus on, it can seem like strengths are nonexistent. Or maybe you feel like you have several strengths or gifts and you are having a difficulty figuring out which ones you should focus on. Figuring out what your strengths are can be as simple as answering some questions such as:

-What were your favorite subjects in school?

-What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

-What do you feel most comfortable and confident doing?

-What things seem to come natural to you?

     The list could go on, but it is questions like these that can help you figure what your strengths are. Once you figure that out you will more easily be able to find a way to make that a part of your life and work. Maybe that means a total career change or maybe it just means looking for a different position. If you are in school it might mean that you change your major or add a minor. There are all kinds of ways to redirect the things you do to fit your strengths. The joy and fulfillment you will find upon doing this will make life much more enjoyable. I really like the following quote about our strengths and passions...

What you are passionate about was

created in you to make a splash in this life

that no one else can make. 

-Nicole Johnson

     God only created one of each of us and he has given each of us different strengths and gifts. What we do with them is our choice and we can make an impact in our lives and on the world that no one else can. Whatever your strengths or gifts are, you can "make a splash". 

     So, what are some things they are holding you back from doing something that you truly enjoy? Or are you doing something that you enjoy and hope to continue doing? How can you make an impact using the strengths and gifts that God has given you? What are some ways that you are already making an impact with your strengths?

Que Sera, Sera

If you know any college kid, or just a school aged kid in general, then you know what the next couple of weeks are.

It is the much awaited Christmas Break.

For some of us college kids this is the end of the first week of break and for others it is only the beginning of break.

For me this is the end of the first week of Christmas Break.

I boarded the train last Saturday and arrived home at about 2am Sunday morning.

So I have been home just short of a week.

However, this has been the longest week.

I feel like I should be heading back to school next week, yet I have like two more weeks to go.

I just am not all that thrilled to be home and wish I could have stayed in Illinois.

I know my mom and sisters wanted me here, but other than that I have nothing here.

My home is in Illinois now and I want to be there so badly.

I hate that I feel so discontent being here, but at the same time I cannot pretend that I want to be here when in reality it is the last place that I want to be at this point in time.

My life is in Illinois despite the fact that I grew up here in Nebraska.

According to most people I should be excited to come back home and see friends and have fun with them, go to my home church and visit with everyone, go around town and see everyone I know, and in general just make my presence known to everyone in this small town in south central Nebraska.

Little do they know that that is not at all what I had planned.

I do not have friends in town to see and hang out with, go out to eat, crash at someone's house and watch movies and stay up late catching up with everything that has happened over the semester.

I have not had much in the way of friends in this town in years.

I do not even want to talk about church.

I dread the idea of even walking in the door and having to see everyone faking the smiles and the overly sweet sentiments from people who could not care less that I was back.

These people make a spectacle of saying hello and asking how things are going at school, but I can see right through their facade.

They never make an effort to talk to me otherwise.

They do not send me messages on Facebook, shoot me a text, call me up, or send me any letters.

They just throw on the smiles and the overly sweet words just because they have to keep up their image.

I mean nothing to the people in the church I spent 13 years of my life as a member of.

I knew they were not really huge fans of mine when I was there but I am not even a blip on their radar now.

I think it is better that way for me in the long run.

And in regards to the general public, I do not have much connections with people here. 

The only people who care that I am back are my babysitting families.

My kids have been waiting for me to get back for weeks and they are excited to see me.

If it were not for my kids I would not have anything happy to look forward to whatsoever.

I guess it is these times when I have come home that have really made it clear that going out of state for school was the best thing that I could have done for myself.

I would not have been happy had I stayed.

I am sure God would have worked things out, but it would not have been the same.

Coming here is hard for me to do anymore.

The anxiety that I was dealing with the night before, even the week before, leaving was ridiculous.

Coming here is such a strain on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It is not at all that I do not like the town and the area, but rather that I do not like the people here.

All of their drama and all of the craziness that comes along with them.

I am about ready to just clear out my Facebook and leave only a couple of really close family friends on their from the area.

I do not have a reason to keep connected with all these people.

They could not care less about what happens to me and really I am done dealing with the drama.

I have also realized since being home that I really need to tell my mom that I switched my major. 

I just do not know how she is going to take it.

I know I need to before I leave for St. Louis next week because my grandparents know and will probably say something.

I just feel like she has been pulling a guilt trip on me and she does not even know it.

She is constantly talking about Graduate school and internships and jobs.

All of these things that she has gotten herself attached to.

I feel like if I tell her she is going to freak out and then I am going to feel like I let her down.

I just do not feel like following that major was a good fit for me.

I did not like the classes related to it and therefore was not doing well.

But I did take a class related to my new major and I really enjoyed it.

(Which is surprising because it was all about the History and Philosophy of Education. Sounds like lots of fun, I know.)

I am really excited for my classes regarding my major that I am taking this coming semester.

Applied Arts for Teachers, Educational & Developmental Psychology, First Aid & Emergency Care, etc.

There is even a piano class in there!!!
I am so looking forward to this semester, but my mom does not know that I am taking them.

I just know she is going to pull the whole "Do you know how much I've put into this? Too much for you to be changing your major now!! What do you think this is? We can't afford you switching now! And what the heck even brought this idea into your think skull? I can't believe you would do this!! Everything was planned out and I'm working my butt off to get you through school and you go and do this?" ...etc., etc., etc. 

The whole thing will turn into a yelling match and will revolve around her and what she has done for my schooling.

It will have nothing to do with what I feel like I should do and what I feel God is leading me to.

None of that will matter at all when I tell her.

It's so stinking frustrating.

ARGH.

I just do not know what to do. :( 

But like Sly and The Family Stone say...

Que Sera, Sera....Whatever Will Be, Will Be

Putting my trust in him & Him

(Yes, I know I am writing this at 6am, but I can't seem to get it off my mind and there is no one around to talk to about it at this point of time. And hey, at least it wasn't written at 5am when I woke up.)

There are days when I just question this whole relationship thing.

This past week has been full of those days.

Today is most likely going to be one of those days.

It's not that I question whether it will happen one day or not.

Or if there is a guy out there who will actually want to be in a relationship with me.

Rather, I would like to know how long I need to wait for all of this.

How many times do I have to watch a guy come into my life who would make a great boyfriend and possibly an awesome spouse one day just to watch him walk out?

When will I not be the one friend in the group who isn't in a relationship?

Some of you are probably thinking i'm just being a typical girl here.

(And maybe I am, but I don't do this very often so it's okay.)

But I seriously wonder things like that.

For those of you who know me, and those who know the summer mission team, you probably are taking a guess that these questions pertain to a particular person.

I'll admit it, you're not entirely wrong.

Everyone basically just considers the two of us dating regardless of the fact that he hasn't initiated anything.

I'm pretty sure that he now knows my side of things (thanks to the guys) and i've known his for a while.

There is just one thing that has really prevented anything from happening.

The oh-so-lovely distance.

And although I wish his decision was different, I respect his decision to not initiate at this point because of that.

And there is the chance that things will change in the future, near or not so near.

I just wish that the whole waiting thing wasn't so hard.

It's not easy to wait for him when there are constant reminders of what could be.

I have an engaged roommate, the two other girls in our group are both in long distance relationships, my two good guy friends (or as some know them 'brothers') are in relationships (one long distance, one not), and numerous other friends and people I know who are in relationships, some of which are now getting engaged.

Then you add in the daily reminders of him that come from the guys, my roommate, my friends, church family, and others.

I get that you all just give me crap about this whole thing because you care about me and everything.

You do it because you love me and you're just teasing.

And i'm good at just putting on the smile and maybe even laughing a bit.

There are times however when I just wish you knew what the constant teasing does.

Not only does it constantly bring him back to the front of my mind, most often right after I've finally gotten focused on something else entirely.

But it does kind of hurt a little having this whole thing be like a running joke for everyone.

And I just kind of have to sit here and take it.

It's not easy having to wait, especially when you know you both want it to happen.

It just isn't any easier with all of this.

People say to not think about the whole relationship thing (matter of fact they just did on a status of mine last night), but I really cannot get away from it.

The whole relationship thing is in my face 24/7.

I mean I'm pretty sure if I could remember my dreams it would probably be there too. No joke.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he was here too, but i'm dealing with all of this by myself.

There's no one here to talk about it with or go through it with.

Luckily for him he is 4 1/2hrs away and does not get the daily bombardment.

Most days I just wish the distance wasn't so great.

Some days I think we're okay with where we're at right now.

Everyday I wish I could just turn off the constant flow of relationship talk and the teasing.

Yet at the same time...

Everyday I'm trusting that God is working all of this out in His timing.

I may spend a lot of days frustrated and confused with all of this, but He knows what is going on.

Maybe all of this is just part of what I have to go through in order to truly be ready for what is coming.

For all I know today could be the day this all changes (although it is highly unlikely).

Or maybe that day won't happen until Christmas Break.

Who knows?

All I know is that even through the trials I go through on a day to day basis, God is working on my behalf.

He knows what is going to happen between the two of us, even when we don't.

I'm jut trying to learn to trust God in this whole thing.

And i'm also learning that respecting his decision not to initiate at this time means that I also need to trust his decision making, even when it may not be the easiest thing for me to do.

He is doing what he feels is best and I have a feeling that he has prayed about it.

If he felt it were the right thing to do he would have initiated already.

This whole thing needs to start off on the right foot, which is for both of us to trust God in His timing.

It's not easy with everything being thrown at us, or at least at me since I don't know what he is going through, but if it is meant to be then it will work out regardless of it all.

So while I may get frustrated with everything, I am learning through it all to trust the guy who is 4 1/2hrs away and the Man Upstairs. 

It takes a lot for me to do that, but I feel like it will be worth it one day.