29 June 2012

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook you may have seen my status about how today was not such a good day for me.

I wish I knew how to share everything that is bothering me without it sounding like complaining.
However, I do not know how to go about doing so.
So here goes a quick overview of what has made this day not so great.

First off, I could hardly sleep last night.
I got all of about 2 or 3 hours tops all night long.
I had a lot on my mind and just could not manage to get myself to sleep.
It was a long night and an extremely early morning.
My insomnia definitely kicked in, as well as an overactive mind.
If I could just shut my mind off for a few hours every night I might actually get some sleep.

Then there was the fact that all of the divorce stuff is still managing to mess up my life.
My 'father' did not file taxes the way he was supposed to so now my school bill is sitting unpaid because he has all the tax money and will not give my mom her share.
I am not sure exactly what the whole situation is since i'm not there and no one tells me anything anymore, but I do know that it is causing a lot of tension between my mom & I about financial things concerning my schooling.
Staying here at ONU is dependent on the bill being paid.
However, since my 'father' refuses to do what he said he would, I now am  on the edge of possibly not being able to stay for the fall and just the thought is driving me crazy.
I just hate that I am still stuck under the umbrella of this divorce.
My life is still being controlled by it and by the choices that my parents and the judges make.
Everything is hanging by a string and I cannot do anything about it.

Then there is the fact that I was talking to my mom about traveling plans for vacation/family reunion this next weekend and she informed me now that I will not be riding back with her.
Rather she is having me ride back with her boyfriend.
A man I hardly know in the least, and his kids.
I do not know at all how to feel about it, but I do know that my anxiety has definitely been high since I had this conversation with my mom...and that is not a good thing.

Last, although not least, is the fact that I was informed when I arrived at work this morning that I may have possibly caught a sickness from a coworker that could be extremely bad for me.
One of my coworkers has been diagnosed with Tuberculosis.
This is a serious sickness that is centered in the lungs.
It has even been known to kill people in it's worst forms.
That part may not seem like a huge deal to you because you are probably thinking that I am young and my immune system is good and can withstand it.
I have to contradict that.
Yes, I am young.
No, my immune system is not good. Not in the least.
My immune system is very weak.
I pretty much catch everything that I am around and it is 10x worse for me than the person who I caught it from.
This has been so ever since I had H1N1 (Swine Flu) in fall of 2009.
I had it 3 different times for 3 weeks each time.
I was completely bed ridden (actually recliner...) because I was in so much pain I couldn't physically move myself.
That was the worst 2 months that I had experienced with a sickness since 5th grade.
And ever since my immune system has been absolutely terrible.
The other thing that makes it easier to catch Tuberculosis is having asthma.
Which I have.
So I have an extremely weak immune system and asthma.
I am a prime candidate.
I am extremely worried that I may have caught it and that I will now have to once again have to fight through a sickness that could kill me.
I cannot afford to have caught this sickness.
I just can't.

You know, this is starting to really get tiring.
This nonstop cycle.
Things start going really well and then all of a sudden...
...the devil has decided once again to throw a gigantic wrench into it all.
It seems like he thinks that my life is the perfect playground.
Just when I start to be happy and to think that things are turning around I get slapped in the face.
I know God has huge plans for me, otherwise the devil would not be working so hard to knock me down onto my face every time I turn around, but it is hard to deal with all of this.
I'm tired of constantly being pushed down onto my face.
Being pushed to the ground just as I am starting to get my footing again.
I wish I knew what God's plan was.
Not so that I would know what to do every step of the way, but rather so that I could be encouraged and feel like going through all of this is going to be worth it in the end.

 I just picked myself up of the ground.
And now I feel like i'm falling again.
The cycle continues...

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