This song by City Harbor is one of my favorites right now and I think it sorta has to do with the topic of this post, at least for me anyways.

This past Sunday in church the sermon had to do with Fear.

What are our fears?

Why are we afraid?

Who can take them away?

Or help us overcome them?

For each of us our fears may be different.

For one person their fear may be that they won't get their homework done on time because of everything else that they have going on.

For one person their fear may be that they won't every end up in a relationship because they are just too scarred and damaged from the things in their past.

For another their fear may be that they won't be able to come up with enough money to pay their bills because they just lost their job.

Our fears are all different. Some may seem insignificant to some people while others seem impossible to get past no matter what they try.

But to the person who has the fear it is huge and may seem beyond what they can handle.

They may feel that they are going to hit rock bottom, if they haven't already, and they don't see any way that they can possibly get back up and get going again.

Fears can cripple us to the point that we lose all hope.

Personally, I can relate to all of the examples I mentioned, not to every exact detail but to the generality. All with the exception of one that is.

While listening to the sermon on fear I realized that while I have all kinds of fears at different points of time, I have one that is consistent and that I keep trying to get over.

I am afraid of building a relationship towards the point of marriage.

Why is that?

Because I have seen more marriages than I count come crashing down and fail.

Because I have seen first hand the damage a man can cause physically, as well as psychologically and emotionally.

Because I have seen and experienced men walking out and abandoning their families just because they can't handle it or it wasn't what they wanted or expected.

Because I have learned the manipulative ways of men when they want something and don't want to hear the word 'No' as an answer.

I am afraid because my past is littered with memories and scars left behind from men who clearly thought I wasn't worth more than the meager bit of emotion and respect they could muster.

I am afraid because I don't want to end up in a relationship, and one day a marriage, that is full of anger, distrust, and abuse.

I have no desire to deal with any of that for the rest of my life.

And when a decent guy who happens to exceed my expectations I push him away because of this fear.

I am afraid that this fear is actually costing me the very thing that I want.

We are all afraid for different reasons, some may be similar to my reasons, while many more are far different than mine.

It really doesn't matter what the reasons are because those reasons are just enabling us to keep being afraid. They are what cause the fear to cripple us.

The fear and the reasons behind it hold us back from our dreams, our hopes, and our goals.

This fear comes from the devil and he uses it in every way that he possibly can in order to distract us and blind us from God's plan for our lives.

God's plan for our lives doesn't involve fear.

He doesn't want us to be afraid of all of these things.

He wants us to enjoy life and everything good that comes with it.

Including our ability to go to school and learn, our relationships with others, and even our jobs and income.

They are not bad things, but that fear isn't a good thing.

That fear can cause us to hold back from things, stress over them too much, and in many cases lose the very things that we dream for and long for.

Fear does not enable us, fear limits us.

If we give our fears to God then He can help us overcome them.

He can even use them to bring the good things back into our lives.

God's plan for each of us includes so much more than fear about all of these things.

God's plan includes hope, joy, and peace!

God is bigger than all of your fears!

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Is Christmas Really Next Week??

Hey everyone!!

Well it's been a short while since i've posted anything and i'm sorry for my absence, but it was needed as the last few weeks have been hectic with finals, job stuff, and figuring out travel plans.

So for a quick overview of my life lately...

About a month ago I got a haircut (finally!) and new glasses! These glasses were about two years late and much needed!

This was right before heading home for Thanksgiving!
The Saturday before Thanksgiving my youngest biological sister came to stay with me at school for a few days before heading to New York for the holiday. Doesn't she just look thrilled to be hanging out with me for a few days?? Lol, she did have a 13 hour train ride before that so...

Getting back from Thanksgiving in NY I had to spend the next two weeks doing homework, practicing piano, finishing up projects and presentations, and getting details of work figured out.
It was pure craziness and sleep was a rarity!
There was one night I only got about an hour and a half because my brain just wouldn't slow down.

I spent several evenings and mornings in Larsen in a practice room for many hours practicing scales, triads, accompaniments, and repertoire pieces.
I really just thought this was a cool picture to record my clearly dedicated and focused practice time... :)

I really didn't have any big finals as they were all chapter tests, with the exception of piano.
One test however was take home, which was wonderful! And another test was open notes so that was a true blessing!!

The last couple days of finals week I spent time with my roomies and my 'roomies'.
All of us will be reunited in January when classes start again, with the exception of one. Nellie will be spending next semester on the other side of the pond. She will be taking classes and living in London. It isn't going to be the same with her gone but I know that she is going to have a great time!! And that God is going to do some amazing things in her and through her while she is there!
Plus we will be Skyping her during weekly Bible study...
Probably not every time but every now and then!

Me, Alaina, Emma, Mary, Alyssa, Jess, Nellie... Anna was working :(

The picture above is all of us minus Anna, who was working if I recall.
This was from the beginning of the semester at the Block Party.
The eight of us have all been living together since freshman year and we will likely be living together next year as well!! Well most of us anyways... (Save that info for later!)

The Sunday after finals I got to be in the Journey Tots room and got to spend time teaching and playing with this adorable little man! Noah is pretty stinking cute!
And he is going to be a big brother in just a few months!! Yay! :)

The beginning of December I officially started working at my church through NAMB.
This will be my job through next November, with the likelihood of continuing for the year after that.
I will continue doing what I already do with a few added jobs.
It is a blessing to be able to work doing what I love and enjoy while in college!
And it fits with my major and minor!
What are the odds?!
It truly is a blessing and I thank God for this opportunity!

Starbucks with Beth, Mary, Alyssa, and Emma!!

This picture really has nothing to do with this post, but I do look forward to spending time with all of those lovely ladies again in the coming semester!

So that is a brief overview and I look forward to getting some more posts up soon and hopefully more regularly this coming year!!
Hard to believe Christmas is next week and New Years the week after that!!
Where has the year gone?

Anyways, time to finish up work and prep for youth group tonight!
God bless you all!!

Here's to the weekend!

Well it's Friday once again! Where has the week gone?! Seems like yesterday I was trying to make sure my homework was prepped for the week and now I'm working on next week and finals. (Dare I mention that dreaded last week of the semester...) but at the beginning of the week I got my haircut and I got new glasses! Yay! Forgive the horrible picture but my mom wanted to see so this is the one I got.

One of my friends said I look like a nerd...a cute nerd though! I'm excited about the fact that I can see again so there's always that! I'm getting ready for a crazy weekend. A trip into Chicago tomorrow night to pick up my youngest sister who is staying with me for a few days. Prepping my portfolio for my major. Researching for my exegesis. Reading a book for a test after break. Figuring out field experience stuff. Getting ready for Thanksgiving break. It's crazy!!

It's going to be good though! I hope you all have wonderful weekends!!

Feeling Stuck

     So for a while now I have been contemplating this post and I have put it off continuously because I didn't know how people would take it. I don't want people to think I'm whining or complaining. I really do not want that to seem like the intention. I want to be honest with y'all and I think that this is needed. So...Real Talk...

     For a few weeks now, and in all honesty, this whole semester, I have really just been down. I feel like there is this constant cloud over my head and it just will not go away. I think it really hit hard around the second week of September. I couldn't figure out what was wrong for a while, so I just dealt with the slump and took it as it was. It just kept gnawing at me. I thought maybe I just wasn't getting enough, but after changing my sleeping schedule I didn't see any improvement. I tried changing my diet to no avail. I tried altering who I was spending my time around and once again there wasn't a change. I prayed about it, for either it to go away or for the reason behind it to be shown so I could work on it. Little did I know I was going to get slapped in the face with the reason just a few weeks later.

     I started to talk with someone I follow on Tumblr (another blogging site for those who don't know). We've been following each other for a while so it made sense that we start talking. We talked for a couple weeks straight, pretty much day in and day out. We are like the same person so it's been fun getting to know him. However, things began getting deep much faster than I anticipated. In a matter of the first few days we were ridiculously close and the prospect of what would happen down the road came up. Suddenly I had a few realizations...1) he lives close to 14hrs away, 2) I signed a contract for work and can't start a relationship for at least the next 12 months, possibly more, and 3) I was suddenly much farther down than before. I felt like I had slammed face first into concrete. My mind was racing and I had a billion thoughts running through my head, few of them positive. 

     After some of the things he said I was getting hit with thoughts that made me feel so worthless that I couldn't find a single worthy thing without negating it with an unworthy one. His words and how he talked to me were far better than anyone, outside of my bestfriend, had ever spoke in regards to me. I felt like I didn't deserve that. None of the messed up, broken parts of me deserved that. If he knew what my past was like, he wouldn't be saying those things. I can't live up to those things. Some other girl deserves those words. I am far unworthy and undeserving of it all. 

     I was getting bombarded with these thoughts and many, many more like them. I was a big mess. I finally ended up grabbing lunch with my friend Bri one day after I texted her asking for her to pray for me. I ended up telling her the basics of this and she wholeheartedly disagreed with all of the above statements. She was adamant about telling me that I deserve it and so much more. That I do deserve a guy to treat me the way he was, not because I did anything to deserve it but because I am a daughter of the Heavenly Father and He wants me to have that and so much more. After I replied that I knew that a time or two, she proceeded to say something else. She said, "I know you know, but you don't believe it and that's the problem." ...Talk about being punched in the gut. I broke eye contact and awkwardly chuckled while looking at the table. It was all the confirmation she needed.

     She was right. I know that I deserve it, I know it like the back of my hand, but I have a very hard time believing it. Not because I don't want to, because it is in fact quite the opposite. It just happens that I grew up believing that I wasn't worth it. Pretty much every guy looking back on my life has either told me directly or indirectly that I was not worthy, that I didn't measure up. All the way back to the one earthly man who should have reminded me that I was worthy of guy treating me well. But he didn't. My earthly father made it a point to remind me often that I wasn't good enough and that I would never be. I learned early on that men like to be in control and they often take advantage of it. They use this control in negative ways more often than not. Often this power is used to remind women/girls that they aren't worthy of being treated well or being respected. So I grew up with that mind set that I wasn't worthy. I still have a very, very hard time grasping that truth.

     It tends to come through in other areas as well. The last couple weeks it has come out in regards to friendships and work. I always seem to be the second choice. I never quite measure up. I'm an after thought, rarely the first to cross anyone's mind. People deny it if I mention it but their actions say otherwise. I'm the one people go to when everyone else disappears or is too busy, the last resort. I never quite measure up to where everyone else is and it seems to be pointed out regularly. Or I exceed it and get pushed to the side because of it. I've just come to accept it. It is what it is.

     I'm sorry for my little (or not so little) rant of sorts, but I needed to pit it somewhere. I really hope this doesn't come across as whining or complaining. I sincerely hope that is not the case. I'm just feeling low and like I'm stuck. I don't really know where to turn right now because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I just needed to write it down somewhere. 

Reissued Fender

So these last two days I was at a Pastor's Conference put on by IBSA. I was there to work for the most part. I helped with greeting people and just taking care of whatever things needed to be taken care of. I also got to be babysitter for quite a bit of it for my worship pastor's baby boy. When I got on the bus to head to Springfield on Tuesday morning I was tired but excited to be there and to see people from across the state. Despite being tired, Tuesday was a good day. Then we got to the last speaker of the day (his name escapes me). He was telling a bit about his story and brought into the message that he and his wife have a guitar shop. He brought in two guitars to use as visuals for his message. They were both Fenders, but there was a big difference between them. One was a classic Fender from the 50s and the other was a reissued Fender from mid-2000s. What's the difference you may be asking? Let me explain.

     The classic Fender is still the same as it was when it was made. It didn't look the prettiest. There was a cigarette burn on it, scratches, and so on. But it still sounded nice and played nice. This Fender is worth a ton of money and people will do a lot to get their hands on one. The reissued Fender on the other hand looks beautiful. It had a gorgeous stain, no scratches, and no burns. It played really good and it sounded really good. Yet this beautiful guitar only sells for around half the price of the classic. People aren't as interested in the reissued Fender.

     Why is one more valuable than the other? Well you see, the reissued Fender was made by some person we couldn't name, while the classic guitar was made by someone incredible. It was made by the master himself, Mr. Fender. 

     The speaker proceeded to connect this to us. The classic guitar is the child of God. He created us and designed us. We were designed by the Master Himself. Over the course of our journey, our life, we get scratched up, bandaged up, and burned. Yet when we are truly in a relationship with Him and trusting Him we are like that guitar. We play good and we sound good. We still live life according to His guidance and we still speak of Hi grace, forgiveness, and peace. We don't look pretty due to damage from the world, but we still play and sound good. We are wanted and our worth is incredibly high. 

     The reissued Fender would be those who aren't in relationship with God. They've been stained by the world and that stain can look absolutely gorgeous when you look at it. They also have been through the same junk that the children of God but they are redoing themselves so that they look shiny and new. They've learned what to say and do so that no one suspects anything. They are inticing. They play really good and they sound really good. But despite looking good on the outside and playing and sounding nice, the reissued Fenders aren't worth near as much as the classics. People don't want them. They really don't have much value.

     I know which one that most everyone would say I am, but it's not the one that I feel like I am a lot of times. Far too often I see myself as the reissued Fender. I look like I've got everything together, I do what I'm supposed to do (really want to do) , and I say the right things. A lot of times the things I do and say aren't worldly, but I feel like I use those things to cover up the scratches, bruises, and burns that I have. I feel that my worth is half of what everyone else's is and that no one wants me. These things stem from my past and I hate having them come up over and over, so I try to hide them. I cover them up my making it seem like I've got it all together. I say the right things and I do the right things. I put a smile on and do my best to cheer everyone else up even when I'm at rock bottom. These words and actions are the stain that I use to cover up the bruises, scratches, and burns. To make myself look pretty to everyone else. And it works all the time. Very few people would even take a guess at the number of days that I've used that stain to make it look like I was pretty, like everything was wonderful. 

     This message hit me hard because I've been having a rough week or so dealing with a lot of feelings of not being worthy of so many things. I was wondering why I have what I have because I am far from worthy. Everything that I've done and been through makes it really easy to believe that I am not worthy. That my worth is extremely low and no one wants me.its been on my mind and really pushing me down for several days now and that message was icing on the cake. That description of the reissued Fender hit home. I realized that I am that reissued Fender, or at least I feel like it a lot. 

     While I was feeling pretty down in the dumps last night and today, I was also trying to do my best to make sure a close friend/'brother' of mine was doing okay and that he knew I had his back. It hasn't been an easy couple weeks but I'm working on getting past it. Getting lots of baby time yesterday and today always serves for a wonderful distraction and I welcomed it with open arms. But now I have a lot of time to focus on this analogy that was presented. I want to figure out how I get beyond feeling like the reissued Fender....because I'm not a fan of it.