15 September 2014

Hey everyone! I know it's been a couple weeks since I have posted anything of significance. On one hand I feel bad about that and I have been wanting to so desperately, but on the other hand I don't think I have been in the greatest place to post anything. The last few weeks have been straight up crazy and stressful! I moved into my apartment on August 23rd (pictures coming soon!) and basically was put straight into school mode. I was running around working on taking care of finances, class schedule, and what seems like a billion other things.

Classes officially started on Aug. 27th. Within the first week I felt way behind because of the amount of reading and such that is required in some of my classes. Between all of my classes I have three different journals to do. One is a daily devotional journal, one is a reading journal for all assigned texts and articles, and the other is a Theological reflection notebook. Throw in at least one page of reflection for the devo journal and the theo reflection journal after reading through everything, plus going through and reading texts/articles and doing a clearly defined reading notes journal and you have one stressed lady. I have just had a really hard time keeping up. Although I know that part of what was the problem last week was the fact that I was sick all week. I literally slept away the first half of the week and then worked my butt off to catch up with what I could before the end of the week. Nothing like having some crazy cold, respiratory and bronchitis nonsense to start off the semester. But hey, it's out of the way now.


Anyways, to get to what I really want to spend some time talking about. Despite the constant presence of people the last few weeks, in the form of roommates, friends, church family and classmates, I have had an all too familiar and not generally enjoyed feeling. I have felt pretty alone. I am not saying that I have been lonely since that is practically impossible in my current situation. It is almost an irony to say that I feel the least alone when I am sitting in a quiet, dark room by myself. I find myself in crowds and groups and I feel like the outsider, the one looking in and watching. There is a sense of disconnect and I am not sure why or how to fix it.

(...I couldn't find a source for this that the campus internet would let me open)

Personally this is not the first time in my life that I have felt this way and I doubt that it will be the last. I know that there is a very good chance that some of my issue with this is based on my personality, as well as some past issues. Yet it still does not change the fact that it is not a fun feeling. It can be hard going through your days feeling like you don't belong and like no one would notice if you were not there. That consuming feeling of being alone in the midst of so many people. It has been wrapped around me this week and I just cannot shake it. Going to chapel has not done it, Bible study has not done it, quiet time and devotionals have not done it. Praying and solitude have not done it.

It has been invading my mind and I am hoping that I can break through this before it becomes something bigger than it is or needs to be. I do not want to be sitting here in a week or two still feeling this. I want to enjoy life and being with friends without forcing a smile, a pleasant attitude and a bunch of small talk. I do not want to feel like I have been sitting in a dark room by myself with no company and no sunlight. Yet I cannot seem to bring myself to the point where I feel like I am completely enjoying being around people. This is a hard thing to process and get past when life revolves around being social. My safety zone has been whenever I manage to get time alone in the apartment and I can shut the blinds/curtains, turn off all the lights, shut off anything making noise and just embrace the silence, the darkness. Part of what is bugging me lately is that I rarely get a moment of quiet, of peace.

I need to recoup, to refocus, but I have been lacking the ability to do so these last few weeks. This ended with me basically word vomiting via Facebook messenger to a great friend who listened to me while he was on his way to Kentucky with his PR band. I also ended up hastily leaving the apartment on Sunday afternoon to sit in the lower level of Ludwig Center in an attempt to have some quiet. There were no more than 4-5 other people in the whole lower level at any given moment. It was like a brief moment of heaven. This week i've really come to think through the fact that while I don't mind being alone, I do mind being lonely. Everything makes sense in that context, or at least most of it. Sometimes it is hard being the only single lady in your apartment. Everyone talks about their significant other and I get to play the 'third wheel' a lot of times. Such is life.

I just really am feeling like I am stuck in a rut and I cannot get past it. This feeling is just gripping me and while I am used to it I know that I often let myself get to used to it, to familiar with it. I get comfortable with the feeling. I know that God is here and that He has things under control but it does not seem to be of any help at the moment. I could really use prayer this week concerning this. That God will just make His presence felt and that this feeling will stop consuming my thoughts and emotions.

I'm sorry for kind of using this as an emotions vent at the moment, but I just needed to write it out.
I hope y'all have a great week!!
God Bless!

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  1. Wow! That homework reminds me of why I'm glad to be out of school. I'm wishing the best for you this semester!

    1. It's been quite the load this semester and I haven't figured out a schedule yet. I'm so glad i'm close to being done! :)


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