So these last two days I was at a Pastor's Conference put on by IBSA. I was there to work for the most part. I helped with greeting people and just taking care of whatever things needed to be taken care of. I also got to be babysitter for quite a bit of it for my worship pastor's baby boy. When I got on the bus to head to Springfield on Tuesday morning I was tired but excited to be there and to see people from across the state. Despite being tired, Tuesday was a good day. Then we got to the last speaker of the day (his name escapes me). He was telling a bit about his story and brought into the message that he and his wife have a guitar shop. He brought in two guitars to use as visuals for his message. They were both Fenders, but there was a big difference between them. One was a classic Fender from the 50s and the other was a reissued Fender from mid-2000s. What's the difference you may be asking? Let me explain.

     The classic Fender is still the same as it was when it was made. It didn't look the prettiest. There was a cigarette burn on it, scratches, and so on. But it still sounded nice and played nice. This Fender is worth a ton of money and people will do a lot to get their hands on one. The reissued Fender on the other hand looks beautiful. It had a gorgeous stain, no scratches, and no burns. It played really good and it sounded really good. Yet this beautiful guitar only sells for around half the price of the classic. People aren't as interested in the reissued Fender.

     Why is one more valuable than the other? Well you see, the reissued Fender was made by some person we couldn't name, while the classic guitar was made by someone incredible. It was made by the master himself, Mr. Fender. 

     The speaker proceeded to connect this to us. The classic guitar is the child of God. He created us and designed us. We were designed by the Master Himself. Over the course of our journey, our life, we get scratched up, bandaged up, and burned. Yet when we are truly in a relationship with Him and trusting Him we are like that guitar. We play good and we sound good. We still live life according to His guidance and we still speak of Hi grace, forgiveness, and peace. We don't look pretty due to damage from the world, but we still play and sound good. We are wanted and our worth is incredibly high. 

     The reissued Fender would be those who aren't in relationship with God. They've been stained by the world and that stain can look absolutely gorgeous when you look at it. They also have been through the same junk that the children of God but they are redoing themselves so that they look shiny and new. They've learned what to say and do so that no one suspects anything. They are inticing. They play really good and they sound really good. But despite looking good on the outside and playing and sounding nice, the reissued Fenders aren't worth near as much as the classics. People don't want them. They really don't have much value.

     I know which one that most everyone would say I am, but it's not the one that I feel like I am a lot of times. Far too often I see myself as the reissued Fender. I look like I've got everything together, I do what I'm supposed to do (really want to do) , and I say the right things. A lot of times the things I do and say aren't worldly, but I feel like I use those things to cover up the scratches, bruises, and burns that I have. I feel that my worth is half of what everyone else's is and that no one wants me. These things stem from my past and I hate having them come up over and over, so I try to hide them. I cover them up my making it seem like I've got it all together. I say the right things and I do the right things. I put a smile on and do my best to cheer everyone else up even when I'm at rock bottom. These words and actions are the stain that I use to cover up the bruises, scratches, and burns. To make myself look pretty to everyone else. And it works all the time. Very few people would even take a guess at the number of days that I've used that stain to make it look like I was pretty, like everything was wonderful. 

     This message hit me hard because I've been having a rough week or so dealing with a lot of feelings of not being worthy of so many things. I was wondering why I have what I have because I am far from worthy. Everything that I've done and been through makes it really easy to believe that I am not worthy. That my worth is extremely low and no one wants me.its been on my mind and really pushing me down for several days now and that message was icing on the cake. That description of the reissued Fender hit home. I realized that I am that reissued Fender, or at least I feel like it a lot. 

     While I was feeling pretty down in the dumps last night and today, I was also trying to do my best to make sure a close friend/'brother' of mine was doing okay and that he knew I had his back. It hasn't been an easy couple weeks but I'm working on getting past it. Getting lots of baby time yesterday and today always serves for a wonderful distraction and I welcomed it with open arms. But now I have a lot of time to focus on this analogy that was presented. I want to figure out how I get beyond feeling like the reissued Fender....because I'm not a fan of it.

Daughter to Father

I dream of another you

The one who would never 

Leave me alone to pick up the peices

A daddy to hold me, that's what I needed

 

Daughter to Father,

Tell me the truth, 

Did you ever love me?

These lyrics by Lindsay Lohan pretty accurately describe most of my feelings towards my 'father'.

There are many more things that I feel towards him, but these are some of the basics that really just hit me on holidays, especially the holiday that everyone is celebrating today.

I find myself wondering why he didn't care enough to be a part of my life.

Yes, he did live in the house but he would go to work, come home and eat dinner, then go to his room and shut the door.

By the time I hit middle school I was in many cases afraid of this guy called my 'father'.

I learned that the best way to survive the outburst of anger and the throwing of random items was to hide in my room.

I'd tuck myself away with a book and some music, then forget about everything and everyone else.

It become a mode of survival that became a habit.

All of the things I remember about my 'father' are negative.

I do not have happy memories that make me smile and laugh when looking back.

I have memories that make me glad that I am far away and have no connection.

I do not have memories of him coming to or supporting my sports events or theatre performances.

I do not have memories of him teaching me to dance or wiping away tears.

I do not have any of the happy memories that most girls have.

How do I know?

Because I have listened to my friends at school talking about theirs and sharing stories.

I find myself retreating or walking away when those conversations start.

I do not want to have to share the memories I have and explain the kind of person he was.

The looks of sympathy along with the comments are not helpful nor do they make me feel better.

Often times I find myself becoming angry when I think about him and the things he has done.

Sometimes I get so angry that I end up curled up in the ball on the floor with tears running down my face.

Many of these times I end up asking God questions about all of it.

Why did I have to have a father like him?

What did I do wrong?

Why didn't he love me?

Was there something wrong with me?

What made him think that what he did was okay?

Those are just a few of the questions that I end up asking God in those moments of anger.

I end up crying so hard that I physically hurt when I am done.

I have ended up going so far that I have caused myself a panic attack.

To say the least they are moments that I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I wish that I had had a father who actually cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life.

Yet at the same time I know that the lack of a caring father I have learned many lessons.

Some of these lessons have been good while others were not so good.

I have found myself searching for the things he didn't give me in other places and people.

A lot of my close friends were close friends as I have grown up have been guys.

I have looked to many of them to give me the things that a father should give his daughter.

They should not have had to provide that but I was in need and looked for it in them anyways.

The thing that I have learned in the last couple years is that there is someone who can provide it all.

God can provide all of the things my father didn't and so much more.

He is a better father than any earthly father can ever be.

He is my Heavenly Father and His attributes far outweigh those of an earthly father.

He is my Comforter on the bad days.

He is my Provider when I my supply is running low.

He is my Joy on the good days.

He is my Peace in the midst of turmoil.

He is everything that I need in any circumstance I find myself in.

And best of all, He loves me unconditionally.

There is nothing that I am in need of because I am a child of the Heavenly Father.

While I know all of this and am beyond thankful for it, I still find it hard to call God my Father.

It is something that I am trying to work up to.

For me there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the name father, therefore it is hard to try and put positive connotations with it to refer to God.

My past makes it hard but I am getting there.

It has been a hard journey but hopefully it will get easier one day.

I am broken but He is healing me.

Daughter to Father,

I know You will always love me.

Youth Group: Past, Present, & Future

     So last night was youth group, better known as Journey Live. I have been going to Journey Live and helping out (of sorts) since the fall. When I say helping out it generally means that i've helped to hold the peace, add a comment in here or there, and cook when needed. I have not had to step into the role of actually leading youth group or taking a more proactive leadership role. I have mainly gotten to work on getting to know the teens and connect with them. This whole sorta backseat role i've been occupying this year is going to get bumped up several levels in the next couple weeks. As a part of doing summer missions team (a post will be coming about mission team and the upcoming summer soon) everyone on team will be split up to focus on certain areas of ministry. I will be staying with the teens. However, me and the other one to two people who will be working with the teens will pretty much be in charge of leading all of the activities and small group interactions this summer. This really hit me tonight both during youth group and after in conversations with the teens and fellow adult leaders. I was informed by my pastor of something that I already knew about and have been working on, but sometimes feel like i'm getting nowhere. I need to speak up during small group interactions and Bible lessons. I have been trying to work on this but feel like I get stuck or as soon as I start moving forward I get pushed back again. You may be asking why I even have to work on this to begin with? Well I have an answer for you. Just give me some time to explain...

Youth group was not a pleasant experience for me for the most part. I found it to be one of the places where I actually got torn down and pushed away more than I was lifted up and welcomed. It really ended up shaping me into the person that I am today and that is not entirely a positive thing. Growing up I was pretty talkative, especially once I got to know someone and was comfortable, and this trait followed me into middle school. I went into youth group fairly outgoing since I knew most everyone and I was not afraid to talk and share my thoughts. This lasted for about the first year, so through 7th grade. During that year and the year that followed I really got a lot of negative remarks coming from those in my youth group. I quite frequently heard it said that no one cared what I had to say and no one wanted to hear my thoughts or my feelings. I was pretty much told that I needed to stop talking because no one wanted to hear what I had to say. This really tore me apart and by the time I hit freshman year of high school I rarely talked during youth group, especially during our Bible lesson. Due to other circumstances, this new found habit of not talking became the only way to survive. It didn't help that my mom was in a youth pastor position and my grandpa was the pastor of the church. This meant that everyone expected my life to be perfect. Little known fact: being a PK doesn't mean your life is perfect and you never mess up. We mess up on a daily basis just like everyone else. But I wasn't allowed to share this with people because I was instantly judged and it immediately looked bad on my family. By the time junior and senior year came around I was only going to youth group once or twice a month, if that. There were times I wouldn't go for two to three months at a time. I didn't like being there and with family circumstances it was easy to come up with reasons not to go.

Now that I am a part of a youth group and in a leadership position, I am forced to look back at my youth group experience and see what went wrong and try to keep those things from happening in this youth group.

When you think of a youth group, specifically a healthy youth group that has a regular group of attendees and is growing, you think of a place where students can come and feel welcome. They can come into youth group and feel like they are safe. They should feel like they can share what they are thinking, feeling, and experiencing without being judged. They should be shown God's love by their peers and those that are leading the group. We often think of many of the things that are shown in the image below...

     These things were apart of my youth group at various times but never at the same time. Transitioning from having real youth pastors to having people just fill a rotation schedule so someone was always with us made this hard as well. We never felt like anyone actually wanted to be with us. The new youth pastor they have now doesn't even want to be there. The things in this image are what I longed to have on a regular basis in youth group, but I never got them. These things are also the very things that I want the teens in Journey Live to experience on a regular basis. I want them to come in and feel the presence of strong, positive leadership, a sense of connection and openness with one another, and feel that they are accepted in the group no matter who they are, what they have done, or where they are in the lives.

I want the teens to have that amazing youth group experience that I wish I had had. I hear stories from friends at college about their youth groups and in all honesty I get jealous. Their groups always sound like they were the best! I really want to be a part of making Journey Live that kind of a group/place for these students. I want them to be able to look back on it when they grow up and have positive memories from it. I felt a little like a dork because I was thinking about this on my drive home after youth group and I started tearing up because I just feel so strongly about this issue. These students deserve the best that we can give them and I really want to give that to them! I just need to remember that part of giving that to them is getting past the negative impact of my youth group experiences. It probably won't be easy, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

I am looking forward to the challenges that working with these students this summer will present, as well as the many, many, many wonderful and amazing moments and memories that will come about!! They are such an awesome group of students and I pray that I will be able to provide what they need this summer alongside my fellow mission team members and adult leaders from church. I have no doubt that this summer will be an awesome season of growth for these students, as well as those of us working with them. It may not be in the numbers of students attending, but it will no doubt be in the hearts and lives of the students. I am excited to see the students grow and change in their faith!! It will no doubt be a summer to remember!!

If Only...

What if?

We often ask this question every day in regards to something that has been said or done at some point in out lives.

Maybe we ask it in regards to little things, such as "What if I had roomed with someone else Freshman year of college?" or maybe we ask it in regards to big things, such as "What if I hadn't yelled at & degraded my significant other?".

This question can take on many forms and it can range from extremely little things to extremely large, life altering things.

Sometimes we can find ourselves getting lost in our thoughts as we question "What if..." in regards to different aspects of our lives, whether we could have altered it or if our "What ifs..." are really what it would have been like.

We can become so consumed with trying to figure out what could have been if we did something differently, that we often times find ourselves unable to keep ourselves from making decisions that leave us with more "What if..." moments.

On a personal level, I ask myself "What if..." on a regular basis in regards to things that have happened.

What if I had chosen to go to bed early the other night?

What if I hadn't ordered pizza for supper two nights this week?

What if I hadn't reacted that way to his simple inquiry about how I was doing?

What if I would have stepped out of my comfort zone and asked what his intentions were?

What if I would have opened myself up to let him into my heart?

What if I did not have trust issues?

What if I had had a father who was active in my life?

What if I had had a father who was a positive presence in my life?

What if?

I could go on and on with this list, but I think this makes my point.

I ask myself these questions about multitudes of things on a daily basis.

As much as I hate to admit it, I often find myself dwelling on these "What ifs" and it ends up affecting my mood & my life.

It is not that it is always bad for me to wonder, but when I let that affect the way I live now...that's when there is a problem.

I cannot change what has happened and it can be damaging to me to dwell on those things.

God does not want me to dwell on those things.

He wants me to focus on my present so that I can try to limit the number of "What ifs" I have later on.

When we focus on our past and the "What ifs" that come along with that, we are likely to end up having "What ifs" about how our lives are going now because we were so worried about the past.

We need to seek God's help in accepting the past and working on doing our best to remove "What if" moments from life.

We will never be able to completely avoid "What if" moments, but we can do our best to limit them.

There is also a part of us as humans that feels the need to talk about these things with someone, but maybe we're afraid.

But as members of a Christian community, we always have people to talk to who will not judge us.

Seek out those people and ask them to talk with you and pray with you, even hold you accountable to handle things differently in similar situations in the future.

If you're not a part of a Christian (Church) family/community, then look for a friend who you feel you can trust or look for a church and get to know someone there and talk to them.

The family of God is our support system, whether Christians or not, and that does not just mean on the good days.

They are there on the bad days and through the tough times.

It is so much easier to go through these things with people by your side.

I encourage to find someone to talk to or to talk to God.

I also encourage you not to dwell on the "What ifs".

Do not let them control your life.

Put them behind you, put them in God's hands.

He has far greater things for you!!

***NOTE: My pastor has been doing a series on this topic at church on Sunday mornings and you can find recordings of these to listen to on our website... Journey Church