Hey there!!

So today is my first Throwback Thursday post and I am really excited to share with you!

I think this is the perfect time to start this because of what I am looking back on and the upcoming summer plans.

Today I want to take a look back to last summer. I know it isn't too far back in the past, but it seems like so long ago and I find it fitting considering that it is all going to be starting back up a week from today.

Last summer was full of long work days, crazy schedules, good days and bad days, as well as a ton of wonderful memories!!

I posted about the summer a couple of times and you can see one of them here!

For those who don't know, I stayed on my college's campus last summer and worked full time in the custodial department.

That was often days a lot of work, a lot of stress, and a lot of frustration.

Little did I know when I started working for the summer that I would end up also being an unofficial part of the Summer Mission Team that Journey was hosting through NAMB.

I got up and dealt with the long days of work because I knew that I would get to work and hangout with all of the summer missionaries.

From left: Andy, McKenzie, Patrick, Malik, Haley, Kenan, & Joel

This was the official team that started out the summer, but only the six guys ended up staying on with Journey.

I was beyond blessed to get to work with them and spend time getting to know them!

These guys are seriously some of the most awesome people I know!!

The connections have been lasting and we have been able to make many memories beyond the summer and throughout this past school year.

It has been such an amazing blessing to have these guys be a part of my life and I thank God for the friendship and all of the different aspects that it consists of on a daily basis.

While only three of the guys will be coming back, Andy, Malik, and Kenan, to be a part of the Summer Mission Team for this summer, it is looking like it is going to be an awesome team!!

There will be seven people on team this summer, five of which already have worked, are working and are attending Journey and all know each other fairly well.

As previously mentioned, Andy, Malik, and Kenan will be back for the summer.

Kristin Marshall, a fellow ONU student and good friend, will be on team this summer as well, along with myself.

That makes up the five of us who have already worked with Journey or have been working with and attending Journey.

In addition to the five, we will also have two others from Arkansas joining us, Andrew & Anna Bell.

They are (or will be getting) married and are coming to join us just ten days after their wedding.

I do not know much more about them, but I look forward to getting to know them and work with them this summer.

(Little do they know there is already going to be a blog post about them before they get here (:  )

Things are going to be set up a bit differently this summer but it is looking like it will be an amazing summer none the less!

From the sounds of things the team is going to be a really great fit for the church and as a team in general.

So many awesome things are already planned and in the works for the summer and it is going to be awesome to be able to work with this team to make everything happen!!

We are a mere 7 days away from everyone arriving (officially) and I am getting excited!

I pray that God will just work in the lives of everyone both before they arrive next week and while they are here for the summer.

I pray that He will work through us to accomplish His will through all that we do.

I pray that we will daily seek Him in all that we say, do, and think.

May we be so focused on Him that everything we do directly reflects Him.

May His hands be on us and guide us.

May we be a blessing to the church and the community through this opportunity that we have been given.

I pray that we will draw closer to Him both individually and as a team through everything that we experience this summer.

It's all in His hands!!!

~~~

On a side note, I found out some totally awesome news!!!

Olivet sent out a survey to the students asking about where they go to church, how often they attend, and so on.

Turns out that Journey Church is the 6th most attended church by ONU students!!!

How awesome is that?!?

While this does not give necessarily the most accurate count, it is still awesome knowing that we are one of the churches that ONU students go to most frequently!

I know a lot of the students who come to Journey and I see new faces quite often.

I just pray that we are truly showing them God's love in all that we do and that we are providing them the opportunity to grow closer to God through the worship and message on Sundays.

I pray that we are being the guiding light that they need to stay focused on God.

I pray that we are being His hands and feet to all those that are coming.

We serve such an awesome God!

He is doing amazing things even when we cannot see it.

Sometimes it is just little things like the results of a survey to be reminded that we are making a difference.

It may not be to a huge number of people, but we are reaching a lot of people.

We are making an impact and it is all because of Him.

By keeping our eyes on Him and continuing to do His work we will be able to see results reaped tenfold.

Sometimes it may be tough, but He never fails to show us that our perseverance is producing results.

He never lets us down or fails us.

We just need patience and a little more faith in His plan.

It always works out for the best for the those who love Him!!

Can You Turn My Black Roses Red?

Love.

It's a four letter word.

A simple four letter word.

But it has a complex meaning.

What is love?

What makes me afraid of it?

Why does it scare me so much?

I have been asking myself these questions a lot in recent months, especially the past few days.

We had a couple come for chapel this past week and they talked about relationships.

(It was the Smalleys who spoke in chapel.)

On Wednesday I did not really pay attention because they were just telling the story of how they met.

However, for Thursdays chapel they split us up by guys and girls.

The husband talked to the guys at one location, while the wife talked to us girls in the chapel.

I ended up really paying attention on Thursday because it resonated with me.

She talked some more about how her and her husband met and I kind of tuned that part out.

I did start paying attention when she started talking about how we should look at relationships.

She mentioned that we need to pay attention to the guys in our lives who match up with the things we are looking for.

Sometimes we friend-zone the guys who match up with our 'list' of things we want in a guy.

Maybe we want someone who is caring, compassionate, and respectful.

Maybe we want someone who is outgoing, spontaneous, and humorous.

(All assuming he is a Christian.)

Maybe we want any number of things.

And maybe there is a guy in our lives who matches up with that list in a way that is almost perfect.

But we have been ignoring him because we think of him as just a friend or brother in Christ.

Sometimes we need to step back and take a good look at the guys in our lives.

These friends/brothers in Christ that we have friend-zoned may like us like crazy, but have not said anything.

Whether it is because we are dating someone at the time, think they are not good enough, or whatever reason, they do not say anything to us.

Yet if we step back and look at them we may just realize that God has put the perfect guy for us in our lives already.

God knows who the right guy is but sometimes we have a knack of just being friends or ignoring them completely.

Why on earth do we, as females, do this so often?

What she was saying hit me and just resonated with me because of some relationship things I am trying to figure out.

It really got me thinking and making some decisions.

But then some other things hit me as well.

These things are personal things and they do not really relate to her topic from chapel.

However, they are still extremely relevant for me.

I actually just talked with my RA a little while earlier this afternoon (like an hour ago or so) about it.

(*NOTE: This is all about a specific guy and some of you reading this know who it is.)

She asked me if there was a reason I had not said anything to him about what is going on with us.

Why had I not made some sort of initiation of contact?

I answered with the truth about how I am old fashioned and think that the guy should initiate as I see it as a part of him being the leader in the relationship.

We talked a little more on that and then she went a little deeper.

She said that she thinks that I am holding back.

She said that although I have this great guy in my life and we like each other, I am holding back on a personal level.

She then proceeded to ask me if there was something that was causing me to be holding back.

I really just had to stop and just say that I find it extremely hard to trust guys.

She asked why and I told her.

I told her that it is hard when you watch marriage relationships falling apart left and right, engagements broke off and serious dating relationships with years behind them fall to shambles.

I told her that it is hard when all of your bestfriends (all of whom were guys because I can relate to them easier) left after a short while, whether for a legit reason or they just fell off the face of the planet.

I also told her that it is hard when the one guy who is supposed to be there for you, encourage you, and most of all, love you, decides that he could not care less and does not take part in your life.

I told her that it is hard when almost every guy that has ever been in my life has left after a short while of knowing each other and getting close.

When guy after guy after guy just leaves you and did not even care enough to explain why, it is extremely hard to trust.

My RA then made the observation that I do not let myself step out personally and trust guys because they always end up leaving and they always end up hurting me.

I could not deny that she hit the nail on the head.

We talked some more about all of it and it got me thinking.

 The only reason I have not said anything to him is because I am scared to let him in.

Because although I have shared a lot with him, there is still a lot he does not know.

Because I am afraid that by opening myself up to the possibility of letting him love me I will be deeply hurt if it does not work out with him.

Because by letting him in in such a deep way means he will find out about these fears.

Ultimately I am afraid to open myself up to let him love me because I do not want to get hurt again.

It all comes down to the fact that I am deeply, deeply afraid of letting someone love me.

I am deeply afraid of opening myself up and trusting someone.

He is such a great guy and I feel like God put him in my life for a reason.

As crazy as it seems, from everything I know, he meets the 'list'.

I look forward to being able to see him and spend time with him.

He is the first person I want to share things with, whether good or bad.

He is the one that I feel I can be myself around the most.

He is the quiet but steady strength and encouragement that I need.

He is a man of God and a spiritual leader.

(^^^Such a huge thing!!!!)

He enjoys kids and he is good with them.

 He understands all of the medical stuff I deal with daily.

He understands the legal issues as well.

I could go on but I do not think that I need to.

Just sitting here typing this I am realizing something I had not yet realized.

I am suddenly feeling peace and reassurance about what to do.

It is still going to be a day to day struggle with all of this and the distance.

Yet I believe that if this is what God has planned then it will work out the right way at the right time.

It is all in His hands.

Putting my trust in him & Him

(Yes, I know I am writing this at 6am, but I can't seem to get it off my mind and there is no one around to talk to about it at this point of time. And hey, at least it wasn't written at 5am when I woke up.)

There are days when I just question this whole relationship thing.

This past week has been full of those days.

Today is most likely going to be one of those days.

It's not that I question whether it will happen one day or not.

Or if there is a guy out there who will actually want to be in a relationship with me.

Rather, I would like to know how long I need to wait for all of this.

How many times do I have to watch a guy come into my life who would make a great boyfriend and possibly an awesome spouse one day just to watch him walk out?

When will I not be the one friend in the group who isn't in a relationship?

Some of you are probably thinking i'm just being a typical girl here.

(And maybe I am, but I don't do this very often so it's okay.)

But I seriously wonder things like that.

For those of you who know me, and those who know the summer mission team, you probably are taking a guess that these questions pertain to a particular person.

I'll admit it, you're not entirely wrong.

Everyone basically just considers the two of us dating regardless of the fact that he hasn't initiated anything.

I'm pretty sure that he now knows my side of things (thanks to the guys) and i've known his for a while.

There is just one thing that has really prevented anything from happening.

The oh-so-lovely distance.

And although I wish his decision was different, I respect his decision to not initiate at this point because of that.

And there is the chance that things will change in the future, near or not so near.

I just wish that the whole waiting thing wasn't so hard.

It's not easy to wait for him when there are constant reminders of what could be.

I have an engaged roommate, the two other girls in our group are both in long distance relationships, my two good guy friends (or as some know them 'brothers') are in relationships (one long distance, one not), and numerous other friends and people I know who are in relationships, some of which are now getting engaged.

Then you add in the daily reminders of him that come from the guys, my roommate, my friends, church family, and others.

I get that you all just give me crap about this whole thing because you care about me and everything.

You do it because you love me and you're just teasing.

And i'm good at just putting on the smile and maybe even laughing a bit.

There are times however when I just wish you knew what the constant teasing does.

Not only does it constantly bring him back to the front of my mind, most often right after I've finally gotten focused on something else entirely.

But it does kind of hurt a little having this whole thing be like a running joke for everyone.

And I just kind of have to sit here and take it.

It's not easy having to wait, especially when you know you both want it to happen.

It just isn't any easier with all of this.

People say to not think about the whole relationship thing (matter of fact they just did on a status of mine last night), but I really cannot get away from it.

The whole relationship thing is in my face 24/7.

I mean I'm pretty sure if I could remember my dreams it would probably be there too. No joke.

I don't think it would be such a big deal if he was here too, but i'm dealing with all of this by myself.

There's no one here to talk about it with or go through it with.

Luckily for him he is 4 1/2hrs away and does not get the daily bombardment.

Most days I just wish the distance wasn't so great.

Some days I think we're okay with where we're at right now.

Everyday I wish I could just turn off the constant flow of relationship talk and the teasing.

Yet at the same time...

Everyday I'm trusting that God is working all of this out in His timing.

I may spend a lot of days frustrated and confused with all of this, but He knows what is going on.

Maybe all of this is just part of what I have to go through in order to truly be ready for what is coming.

For all I know today could be the day this all changes (although it is highly unlikely).

Or maybe that day won't happen until Christmas Break.

Who knows?

All I know is that even through the trials I go through on a day to day basis, God is working on my behalf.

He knows what is going to happen between the two of us, even when we don't.

I'm jut trying to learn to trust God in this whole thing.

And i'm also learning that respecting his decision not to initiate at this time means that I also need to trust his decision making, even when it may not be the easiest thing for me to do.

He is doing what he feels is best and I have a feeling that he has prayed about it.

If he felt it were the right thing to do he would have initiated already.

This whole thing needs to start off on the right foot, which is for both of us to trust God in His timing.

It's not easy with everything being thrown at us, or at least at me since I don't know what he is going through, but if it is meant to be then it will work out regardless of it all.

So while I may get frustrated with everything, I am learning through it all to trust the guy who is 4 1/2hrs away and the Man Upstairs. 

It takes a lot for me to do that, but I feel like it will be worth it one day.