I dream of another you

The one who would never 

Leave me alone to pick up the peices

A daddy to hold me, that's what I needed

 

Daughter to Father,

Tell me the truth, 

Did you ever love me?

These lyrics by Lindsay Lohan pretty accurately describe most of my feelings towards my 'father'.

There are many more things that I feel towards him, but these are some of the basics that really just hit me on holidays, especially the holiday that everyone is celebrating today.

I find myself wondering why he didn't care enough to be a part of my life.

Yes, he did live in the house but he would go to work, come home and eat dinner, then go to his room and shut the door.

By the time I hit middle school I was in many cases afraid of this guy called my 'father'.

I learned that the best way to survive the outburst of anger and the throwing of random items was to hide in my room.

I'd tuck myself away with a book and some music, then forget about everything and everyone else.

It become a mode of survival that became a habit.

All of the things I remember about my 'father' are negative.

I do not have happy memories that make me smile and laugh when looking back.

I have memories that make me glad that I am far away and have no connection.

I do not have memories of him coming to or supporting my sports events or theatre performances.

I do not have memories of him teaching me to dance or wiping away tears.

I do not have any of the happy memories that most girls have.

How do I know?

Because I have listened to my friends at school talking about theirs and sharing stories.

I find myself retreating or walking away when those conversations start.

I do not want to have to share the memories I have and explain the kind of person he was.

The looks of sympathy along with the comments are not helpful nor do they make me feel better.

Often times I find myself becoming angry when I think about him and the things he has done.

Sometimes I get so angry that I end up curled up in the ball on the floor with tears running down my face.

Many of these times I end up asking God questions about all of it.

Why did I have to have a father like him?

What did I do wrong?

Why didn't he love me?

Was there something wrong with me?

What made him think that what he did was okay?

Those are just a few of the questions that I end up asking God in those moments of anger.

I end up crying so hard that I physically hurt when I am done.

I have ended up going so far that I have caused myself a panic attack.

To say the least they are moments that I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I wish that I had had a father who actually cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life.

Yet at the same time I know that the lack of a caring father I have learned many lessons.

Some of these lessons have been good while others were not so good.

I have found myself searching for the things he didn't give me in other places and people.

A lot of my close friends were close friends as I have grown up have been guys.

I have looked to many of them to give me the things that a father should give his daughter.

They should not have had to provide that but I was in need and looked for it in them anyways.

The thing that I have learned in the last couple years is that there is someone who can provide it all.

God can provide all of the things my father didn't and so much more.

He is a better father than any earthly father can ever be.

He is my Heavenly Father and His attributes far outweigh those of an earthly father.

He is my Comforter on the bad days.

He is my Provider when I my supply is running low.

He is my Joy on the good days.

He is my Peace in the midst of turmoil.

He is everything that I need in any circumstance I find myself in.

And best of all, He loves me unconditionally.

There is nothing that I am in need of because I am a child of the Heavenly Father.

While I know all of this and am beyond thankful for it, I still find it hard to call God my Father.

It is something that I am trying to work up to.

For me there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the name father, therefore it is hard to try and put positive connotations with it to refer to God.

My past makes it hard but I am getting there.

It has been a hard journey but hopefully it will get easier one day.

I am broken but He is healing me.

Daughter to Father,

I know You will always love me.

Are We Really Showing Love Like Jesus?

     An anon that I follow on Twitter posted about a lesson that her youth pastor did on 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. He had the teens read the verse and every time the word love came up they were to replace it with their name. He used this as a way to show them that we do not really love like Jesus. Out of curiosity, I want to take a closer look at this.

Here is the original passage:

     Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Here it is with my name inserted where the words love and it come up:

     Shelbi is patient, Shelbi is kind. Shelbi does not envy, Shelbi does not boast, Shelbi is not proud. Shelbi does not dishonor others, Shelbi is not self-seeking, Shelbi is not easily angered, Shelbi keeps no records of wrongs. Shelbi does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. Shelbi always protects, [Shelbi] always trusts, [Shelbi] always hopes, [Shelbi] always perseveres.

Take a moment if you wish, to read it with your name inserted or to write it down.

     Looking at things that way changes the whole meaning of what love is and how we show it to others. While reading that I realized just how many of those I am not good at, nor do I do on a regular basis. Yet we as Christians are supposed to love like Jesus loved. Jesus loved just like this, which means we should love this way as well. Yet how often do we pay attention to whether or not we are loving this way.

I know personally that I do not pay attention to whether or not I am doing these things.

     Patience. I am not patient all the time. Some times I just get tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, or any number of things, and any semblance of patience is lost. Now I may be able to stay patient for quite a long while, but eventually I get worn down and I grow impatient. God has definitely been working on me in regards to this matter over the last year or so. However, there are still times when I realize that I need to be more mindful of my patience. I may not always voice my impatience out loud, but a lot of times I may dwell on it in my mind, which is just as bad as talking about it out loud. I have to ask God to work on my patience on a daily basis.

     Kindness. This one can go hand in hand with patience. I am generally kind regardless of my patience, but some times I am not in a good mood or have had a bad day and I do not always treat or react to people in the kindest manner. I am working on this on a regular basis.

     Envy. Although this is something that many people do not want to talk about, at least not on a regular basis, it is something that is highly prevalent in our daily lives. Personally I know that I often do deal envy on a fairly regular basis. It may be about something something or it may be about something more serious and more personal. While what I am envious of may change and may not be of the greatest importance, but the fact that I am envious at all is a huge deal and something that I need to ask God to help me with  on a daily basis.

     Boasting. Some times it just feels good to tell people about what we did and how great we did at it. However, some times we take it a little too far and we talk about how much better we are than someone else or how much praise we got from someone in regards to something, or any number of things. While I do not do it often, I do find myself dealing with this every now and then.

     Proud. I do not even have to go into detail. This one is simple and straight forward and I deal with it often.

     Dishonoring Others. I also do  not think I need to go into detail on this one (at least not at this point), but I do have moments some times where it does happen, even if it is unintentional.

     Self-seeking. Although I may not like to admit it, I do half a lot of selfish tendencies. These tendencies are not beneficial for me or for anyone else I come into contact with. This is something that we are taught to think of as something that is not an issue, but as Christians we know that it is a very big issue. One that can wreak havoc in our lives and it keeps us from being able to show love in the way that we should.

     Easily Angered. Another one that I feel that I do not need to go into detail on. I definitely do need to work on not being so easily angered and I need to make sure that I ask God to help me in this area.

     No Records of Wrongs. I definitely do not go into this one. I need to make sure to ask God to help me to not hold grudges and dwell on them. It is not beneficial to me or anyone else.

     I could keep going but I do not want this post to be too long. I could most definitely go into far more detail with all of these things, which would ultimately make my point. We do not do as well as we should when it comes to how we love others like Jesus. We want to say that we are showing His love through numerous things, but are we really showing it in the way we act and in are attitudes? Do they reflect Jesus' love to those we come in contact with?

     I think that this is a good reminder for all of us to make sure that we are paying attention to ourselves and asking God to work on us in all of these areas. We will never be perfect here on Earth, but He can help to shape us towards being more like Him on a daily basis. With His help we have the ability to show His love to those around us in the best way possible. Looking at love in this manner is not natural for us, but I think it is something that we should be doing on a regular basis. It is really humbling when we do so.

We are to love like Jesus and I think this is a great way to evaluate whether we are or not.

Are you showing love like Jesus? Or do you need to work on somethings with the help of God?