Daughter to Father

16 June 2013

I dream of another you
The one who would never 
Leave me alone to pick up the peices
A daddy to hold me, that's what I needed
Daughter to Father,
Tell me the truth, 
Did you ever love me?

These lyrics by Lindsay Lohan pretty accurately describe most of my feelings towards my 'father'.
There are many more things that I feel towards him, but these are some of the basics that really just hit me on holidays, especially the holiday that everyone is celebrating today.
I find myself wondering why he didn't care enough to be a part of my life.
Yes, he did live in the house but he would go to work, come home and eat dinner, then go to his room and shut the door.
By the time I hit middle school I was in many cases afraid of this guy called my 'father'.
I learned that the best way to survive the outburst of anger and the throwing of random items was to hide in my room.
I'd tuck myself away with a book and some music, then forget about everything and everyone else.
It become a mode of survival that became a habit.

All of the things I remember about my 'father' are negative.
I do not have happy memories that make me smile and laugh when looking back.
I have memories that make me glad that I am far away and have no connection.
I do not have memories of him coming to or supporting my sports events or theatre performances.
I do not have memories of him teaching me to dance or wiping away tears.
I do not have any of the happy memories that most girls have.
How do I know?
Because I have listened to my friends at school talking about theirs and sharing stories.
I find myself retreating or walking away when those conversations start.
I do not want to have to share the memories I have and explain the kind of person he was.
The looks of sympathy along with the comments are not helpful nor do they make me feel better.

Often times I find myself becoming angry when I think about him and the things he has done.
Sometimes I get so angry that I end up curled up in the ball on the floor with tears running down my face.
Many of these times I end up asking God questions about all of it.
Why did I have to have a father like him?
What did I do wrong?
Why didn't he love me?
Was there something wrong with me?
What made him think that what he did was okay?

Those are just a few of the questions that I end up asking God in those moments of anger.
I end up crying so hard that I physically hurt when I am done.
I have ended up going so far that I have caused myself a panic attack.
To say the least they are moments that I wish I could forget.

Sometimes I wish that I had had a father who actually cared about me and wanted to be a part of my life.
Yet at the same time I know that the lack of a caring father I have learned many lessons.
Some of these lessons have been good while others were not so good.
I have found myself searching for the things he didn't give me in other places and people.
A lot of my close friends were close friends as I have grown up have been guys.
I have looked to many of them to give me the things that a father should give his daughter.
They should not have had to provide that but I was in need and looked for it in them anyways.
The thing that I have learned in the last couple years is that there is someone who can provide it all.

God can provide all of the things my father didn't and so much more.
He is a better father than any earthly father can ever be.
He is my Heavenly Father and His attributes far outweigh those of an earthly father.
He is my Comforter on the bad days.
He is my Provider when I my supply is running low.
He is my Joy on the good days.
He is my Peace in the midst of turmoil.
He is everything that I need in any circumstance I find myself in.
And best of all, He loves me unconditionally.

There is nothing that I am in need of because I am a child of the Heavenly Father.
While I know all of this and am beyond thankful for it, I still find it hard to call God my Father.
It is something that I am trying to work up to.
For me there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the name father, therefore it is hard to try and put positive connotations with it to refer to God.
My past makes it hard but I am getting there.
It has been a hard journey but hopefully it will get easier one day.
I am broken but He is healing me.

Daughter to Father,
I know You will always love me.


  1. Hey there Shelbi thank you for following my blog. I was having some trouble leaving a comment on your blog post. I dont know if it was a blogger issue or what. I was trying to comment on the post below the pictures are breathtakingly beautiful. Are you still in Upstate NY?

    1. Hi Charity!!
      Thanks for stopping by! I am definitely love reading your blog! I am not sure what is going on with that, but I will definitely check into it. I haven't had much in the way of comments so I haven't been presented with the issue.
      I am not in Upstate NY anymore. I was just there for a couple days for my mom's wedding. It was on a Nazarene campground & I took those pictures on my way into town. It was definitely beautiful!


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