There are just days when I wonder why I didn't decided to be an Early Education major or some other such thing.

(Although it usually doesn't last long...)

I absolutely love kids!! And my cousins are no exception!!

They say some of the craziest things and can make you laugh even when you don't want to.

It was the perfect way to end a long hectic day that was only a hint of what today was like.

We were riding in the car on the way back from seeing Aladdin at The Muny and my cousin Hadley was riding in the car along with my cousins Alex & Vanessa, and myself.

Vanessa recently went on a trip to Rwanda and she came up with some code words.

I won't share a lot of details as to what they refer to, but basically there are three levels.

Gold Star= Good

Silver Star= Okay

Bronze Star= Bad

 

Hadley caught onto it quite quickly.

(She didn't hesitate at all to refer to Justin Beiber as a Bronze Star.)

She then proceeded to use these terms through out our conversation in the car.

I also got her saying sad cheese.

I must say that this was quite funny to hear.

I am also quite surprised by the words that Hadley knows at her age.

(She was regularly using discombobulated in conversation. As well as words such as irrational.)

Hadley is crazy smart and has an incredible for someone her age.

After a late night (got back around 12:30am), we had an early morning.

(It wouldn't have been so bad had I not woke up every 20mins all night.)

We left my grandparents house with the little kids at 7:30-7:45 this morning to head to the St. Louis Zoo in Forest Park.

The reason we went so early was so that we could get in to pet the Sharks and Sting Rays.

It was free to pet them for the first hour.

We probably spent around 45mins or so petting and feeding the Sting Rays.

I think I may have enjoyed it more than the kids.

We then walked around the Zoo until 11:30ish.

Grabbed a bite at Pappy's Smokehouse.

(Amazing BBQ!!!!)

Some people proceeded to go see the Cathedral Basilica.

I however am completely worn out and am in need off a break from all of the people and noise so I came back to my grandparents house for the afternoon early evening.

I don't know that it is going to be of much good to me seeing as everyone is going to be coming back here soon, but it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I may go all recluse and hide in the basement for a couple hours.

There may be a trip to the City Museum after dinner.

My energy level may be a little to low to handle the trip to the "Glorified Playground" later.

All in all it has been a crazy couple of days so far and a crazy couple to go yet.

Late Night Ramblings

I know I posted earlier today but I just feel the need to share on here since there isn't really anyone here for me to talk to at the moment.

My mind has been going non-stop for several days now and about some of the same things over and over and over.

I do not know what to do about these things.

Some of them really are not worth contemplating so much at the present moment, while others probably are not worth the contemplation but I cannot help it.

I really just wish I had someone here to talk to about it all.

Someone with which to have a serious conversation for once.

I miss having those serious conversations about life.

Those are always some of the best memories and the best conversations.

You can learn a lot of things about someone when you have those serious conversations about life.

Well, I could rant on about how much I miss serious conversations but I do not want to bore those of you who actually make an effort to read my blog these days.

Also I have an early morning tomorrow as I am getting up at 6am in order to beat the other 15 people to the showers.

And i'm going to start the day with some French Toast Casserole.

I can't wait for the morning.

It's going to be a crazy day hanging out in Downtown St. Louis.

The Arch is on our list of activities for the afternoon along with a couple of other things in the area around there.

So as much as I would like to keep talking, I am going to cut this off and head to bed.

I definitely need the sleep and I am sure it won't come easy.

God Only Knows

You hear all about relationships these days.

Boyfriends & girlfriends, people who live together, friends with benefits, and on and on.

Some of these relationships, particularly boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, are encouraged at young ages these days.

Kids in elementary school think it is normal to have those relationships at those young ages.

I am not sure when this became acceptable for kids, let alone when adults started encouraging it.

I do know however that it is something that has been asked of me more times than I will ever be able to count in my lifetime.

The question of whether or not I had a boyfriend was asked off me throughout middle school and high school by family members and people from church.

The answer was always no however, since I never did date anyone.

Even if I had wanted to in middle school or the first two years of high school I couldn't have.

Why couldn't I have dated someone at that point?

Because my mom was strict about the rule of no dating before I was 16.

Not that it mattered much seeing as I didn't date anyone my last two years of high school either.

I got a lot of flack for it, but there wasn't any time for a boyfriend and there wasn't anyone in town that I would have even considered.

It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to have a boyfriend, but rather that I was preoccupied with family issues and there were not many Christian guys in my town.

Although I managed to get through high school without people worrying about it, that didn't seem to last long after I left for college last August.

You wouldn't believe the number of people who asked if I was dating someone once I got to college.

Literally within the first two weeks my mom was already getting asked about it.

And the fact that I wasn't dating someone and still am not just about blows people's minds.

I have a group of friends that I hand out with and in that group there are only two couples.

My mom gets weird looks and questions from people about whether she is ok with that situation, and if so, why she finds it ok.

This just does not make much sense to me.

All people are worried about is whether or not I am dating someone.

Why doesn't someone ask about how things with school or church are going??

All this focus on dating makes it really hard to be ok with the fact that you're not dating anyone.

Even more so when it seems like everyone else is.

Why so much pressure for me to date someone?

I feel content to wait for God to bring the right man into my life, but it seems as though no one else is content to wait for that to happen.

God's timing is always perfect and I have no doubt it will be in this situation as well.

It is just hard to trust Him when everyone is constantly pushing.

They encourage trusting God, yet at the same time want to push me to date someone just because.

I feel like it is fairly contradicting.

Yes, I think it would be nice to date someone and have someone to share life with.

However, I do not think that I would make the correct choice in who to date if I were the one making the choice of which guy to date.
I also feel like I need to be content with myself and my walk with God before I get into a relationship.
I feel like i'm in that place but God hasn't brought a guy into my life who has made a move towards dating me.
Maybe there is a chance somewhere in the near future.
Maybe not for a few years down the road.
I am just waiting for God's timing.
He knows when the right guy will come along and He will make it work.
It is all about trusting in His will and perfect timing.
God has a plan for my life and my future relationships that I can't even imagine and I am extremely curious to know what His plan is.

Some Things Are Not As Dead As They Seem

I'm really not sure how to go about starting out this post.

I have some good things to share and some not so good as well.

I guess I will start with the good.

God has blessed me tremendously!

I have a church family in Illinois that has accepted me as I am and where I am.

They have more than opened their arms to me.

They have wrapped me up in the church family.

I feel like I am truly accepted by my church family and I haven't felt that way in a church in many, many years.

(Yes, I call them my church family. This may seem weird to those of you in Nebraska, and maybe even to a degree it may seem as though I am turning my back on you all. I still love you all, but this is a new chapter in my life and I have my own life in Illinois and this includes my church.)

God has placed me amongst a church family that is truly amazing.

Without them this summer would have been a very long, lonely, boring summer.

They have made Bourbonnais feel like home.

I couldn't have ever asked for what they have given me.

I appreciate it all and I am extremely thankful to everyone for what they have done for me.

I have to talk about the Mission Team again.

They are all amazing and I am grateful to have this summer with them.

I have to focus on the guys because I have spent the most time with them.

These guys are such a great influence in my life and I think God has put them in my life for a reason, possibly multiple reasons.

These guys blow the phrase "Chivalry is dead" out of the water.

They never fail to go out of their way to make sure the females that are with them at the time are taken care of first or put first in general.

This is something that I haven't grown up with and am not used to.

I have to make a conscious effort not to chastise them about it because I know that they are doing exactly what they are supposed to and it is my job to encourage them as their sister in Christ.

I may not have grown up with it, but it is something that I am slowly getting used to.

It is becoming something that I expect.

These guys have been such a positive influence in my life in how I view men.

I have never had this example of chivalry or of guys being gentleman before.

It is nice to know that there are guys who are still being raised with those standards.

It just makes me hope that I will end up marrying a man who is like this guys and who will be the example of a true chivalrous gentleman to any kids he is around or helps raise.

The guys on the mission team have no idea how high they have made me raise my standards.

They're just making it that much harder for a guy to get me to date him.

I appreciate all of their influence more than they can imagine.

I am and have been truly blessed by these Godly men on the mission team.

My boys.

I got to spend time with two of the boys that I have babysat since they were born.

I took them out to dinner this evening and then we watched some AFV and cuddled on the couch after we took a ton of pictures.

I love those boys like crazy and hate to have to say goodbye.

It's hard to say goodbye and watch them get mad because you're leaving again.

It makes it really hard.

I cannot wait until October when I get to come back and see them again.

Ok, so now for the lengthy section of not so good stuff.

I grew up in the Nazarene church (I got to a baptist church now).

I grew up in the church my grandpa pastored.

When I was a kid I loved going to my church and I loved all the people there.

This lasted until probably around 5th grade.

At this point I realized how much the church and those in leadership positions were concerned about the politics of the church. Most of the time the politics of the church were viewed as more important than the church itself.

Now maybe it's just me, but I don't think that that is how God wants the church to be.

I learned a lot of lessons from the church and the people in it over the next 7 years.

Although I have to say that the majority of them were not positive like you might expect.

I learned a lot of lessons I figured I would learn from the world rather than the church.

Some of the things that I learned are:

-People are not necessarily to be trusted (with personal matters or otherwise)

-People  will tear you down and rip you apart to get what they want

-If you don't suck up to people then you mean nothing to them

-People don't really care what you have to say or what you think

-Emotions are also highly overrated

-If you are a child of a pastor (senior, youth, etc.) you're automatically held to a much higher standard than everyone else and the slightest slip means you get looked down upon by everyone

-And many other lessons could be listed.

As you can see I didn't really learn anything positive from the church here.

It's hard to come home and go to the church here.

I feel like I should be excited to come back here and see everyone at church, but in all honesty I have a hard time even making myself go to church here.

I haven't had a connection with anyone here in years.

I hardly even went my last two years of high school.

It wasn't that I didn't want to go to church, because I really did.

Rather I didn't want to go because every time I was there I felt like I was being stared at and judged by everyone there. It didn't feel welcoming at all.

And ever since I left for school last August, the only people from the church who have contacted me at all are the parents of the kids I babysat.

No one else contacted me at all, but they were constantly talking to and conversing with the other college students from the church.

I can tell you why that is but I will refrain because it would end up being a rather lengthy description.

It was just hard being at church this Sunday because I felt very much like people would have even noticed I was there had it not been for the 3 adults that actually did care and make an effort to keep up on how I am doing while i'm in Illinois.

I really just wanted to leave within minutes of being there.

Had it not been for one of my boys coming and sitting with me during service it would have been a very long morning.

It also helped when I got a text from McKenzie.

After asking about the trip back here, he told me that everyone at Journey was asking where I was.

People have no idea how much that means to me.

The fact that they noticed that I wasn't there since i've only been going for about 5 months is something I wouldn't have expected.

The church here that I went to for 13 years didn't even ask that the first Sunday I was away at college. Not a single one of them.

Journey has been a blessing and I hope to stay apart of the church and their ministry for the next few years at least.

Now to get to family stuff.

If only I could share everything that is on my mind relating to this topic.

I can't do so because some of it shouldn't be shared and there is just far too much on my mind regarding the subject.

The main thing right now has to deal with my mom.

I like to come back here to visit for a few days, but it is very hard to come back.

When i'm at school my mom encourages all of the things I do and has not an issue with any of it.

Soon as i'm back here she treats me like i'm in middle school still.

I'm going to be 20yrs old in 6 months.

I am an adult but she treats me like a kid all the time when i'm home.

It makes it really hard to come back here to visit.

It's making me really consider just staying in Illinois for the summers and for a while after graduating.

I don't know that I will come back to Nebraska to live.

I love Nebraska but I just can't do it anymore.

Well, that is as far as I am going to go into those topics on here for the evening.

I really just wish there was someone I could talk to.

I feel the need to just have an actual conversation and discuss things face to face with someone.

Oh well, I do not have that opportunity at the moment.

It's going to be a long night of packing, listening/singing to music, and praying.

God has gotten me this far and I have no doubt that He will get me through whatever is coming.

It is through Him that I can do all things!!

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSDS)/ Chrnic Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS)

As of late I have been asked quite frequently about my mom's disorder.

After explaining it multiple times, I figured that it might be beneficial to just make a quick post about it.

So I am going to try to make this a fairly short post, but I will also be trying to cover the main points that should be known about RSDS/CRPS.

My mom was diagnosed 5 years ago (this September) with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSDS) or Chronic/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

This is a disease of the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS).

It basically means that the SNS is not working properly. Nerves are misfiring, so they are constantly sending pain signals to the brain.

This disease can be caused by a traumatic injury or just a bump on a table.

The disease does not appear to be linked to the severity/magnitude of the injury.

There is no exact cause that has been noted.

There are many symptoms that accompany the disease, some of which are:

-Severe burning pain

(My mom refers to it as burning pain and pins & needles pain, but like 10 times worse than what we would experience normally. But it is constant and never ending.)

-Extreme sensitivity to touch, light, water, hot/cold, etc.

-Tissue swelling

-Frequent changes in skin color and temperature

-Contracture (limited limb movement due to tightening of the muscles and tendons)

-Muscular Atrophy

There are many other symptoms of the disease but it can get to be a long list that few people actually want to read.

There are two types of CRPS.

Type 1 is due to injuries that have no direct link to any nerve damage.

Type 2 is due to injuries that caused direct nerve damage.

There are treatments available, although most of them are focused on pain management since there is not cure for the disease at the present moment.

Pain medication and antidepressants are some of the most common treatments.

Nerve Blocks, Intrathecal Drug Pumps, Spinal Cord Stimulation, and physical/occupational therapy are other treatment options used frequently.

Surgical Sympathectomy can be used, but it is not guaranteed and it could cause the disease to worsen in the limb and/or spread to other areas of the body.

This disease is 2-3 times more likely for females than males and it affects 200,00 to 1.2million Americans.

My mom got this disease as the result of a cat bite she got at work.

Yes, you read that right. 

A cat bite.

At the time she was working at an Assisted Living Facility back home and they have two cats that they keep for the residents.

My mom was working nights and one night she was cleaning the lobby.

One of the cats came up behind her and laid down.

Not realizing that the cat was behind her, she stood up and stepped backwards.

She stepped on the cat who in turn bit the back of her left ankle.

This was completely in defense and my mom thought nothing of it, especially since she grew up around cats and had been bitten many of times before.

However, by the time she got of work at 6am she could not walk on her left foot at all.

She went to the ER and they just gave her pain medication and crutches.

The ER doctors did not know what was going on.

Within about a week or two her left foot started to turn inwards.

Seeing as this is not normal, she went into the doctor and they gave her this boot thing to wear to try and keep the foot straight.

This was worn for a while, but it eventually got to the point that she couldn't stand to wear it any longer.

My mom was in severe pain and the sensitivity to just about everything was crazy. 

She went to several doctors and it took a while before any of them made the connection to RSDS.

In September 2007 my mom was put in a wheelchair.

She has been in the wheelchair ever since and she will never walk again unless a major miracle happens.

The first couple years were kind of crazy due to the fact that we did not know much about the disease and she did not know how to handle the nonstop pain that accompanies the disease.

It was a very stressful couple of years with everything that was going on.

At 14 I was thrown into the position of being an adult and it was a hard adjustment.

Not to mention an extremely fast one.

I watched my mom go through a lot and got used to knowing which medication she needed when and what days she went to which doctors or therapy sessions.

It became pretty much the central focus of life.

I watched as my mom came extremely close to dying several times as a result of different treatments that were being tried.

I remember the 2am ER trips via ambulance because the disease was acting up.

I remember the port being put in so she could get medicine more easily injected when she went to the hospital. The numerous days that she was in pain because of it.

I remember the port being taken out and the week or so of pain that came from that.

I remember so many of these things.

I wish I could go on and in more detail, but I do mot want to bore anyone.

I am more than willing to share more if you contact me.

I will probably share more in the future without a doubt since it is a major part of my life.

But I am going to leave it at this for tonight.

Like I said, if you want to feel free to contact with me questions.

I will willingly answer them if I know or do my best to get an answer for you.

God has brought my mom, my sisters, and I through this for almost 5yrs now.

I have no doubt that He will continue to lead us and provide for us in the coming years.

We only go this far because of Him.

God is good!!