So for those of you who do not know the story behind the above picture, here's a quick recap for ya:

I went hiking with some girls from my floor last year and a handful of guys from our brother floor. We went to Perry Farms and we were going along fine, but as only I can do, I managed to cut open my leg. I don't know exactly what happened or where I cut it because I just kinda looked down and was like "Oh hey! My leg is bleeding!" My RA then proceeded to tell me to go find the other RA who had the First Aid kit. After bandaging myself up, getting through with our hiking trip, and going to Walmart for guaze, ointment, and an ACE bandage, I cleaned it up and realized that it was a fairly straight and smooth cut. It is roughly a foot or so in length.

So this is an old picture and not a new one, but you can imagine that it left a nice scar up my left calf.

The scar has slowly faded in some spots, but for the most part is still highly visible.

I have been told by people in my immediate family and some other people that I am close with that because of this scar I am now imperfect and that I need to find a guy who likes imperfections.

Talk about a blow to your self-esteem right there.

I took that hard and for a while tried to cover it up whenever possible to avoid the stares and questions.

This went on for a short while until I realized that it didn't matter what people thought.

It is still hard though for me to realize that the right guy won't care if I have a scar running the length of my calf.

It's still something that I am kinda self-conscious about even though I have no reason to be.

It was an accident and something unavoidable.

Yet due to comments by other people I feel like it is something that detracts from my outward appearance.
It shouldn't make an impact, but it inadvertently does.
It is a physical blemish that cannot be erased.
It is a mark on my skin that has a story behind it.
It is a stigma that gets looks and unnecessary comments.
It is not what most would call beautiful yet it is a part of me.

 This is just one of many scars that I have physically, which is only part of a long list that includes inward scars.
Some of these have been accidental and due to things that were not in any way my fault.
Some of these were self-inflicted, as much as I hate to admit it.
I have more scars than a lot of people, but not nearly as many as some.
The causes for them vary all the way across the spectrum.
I have scars that I actually have no clue where they came from.
I have scars that I can tell you exactly what I was feeling, where I was, who I was with, and what time of day it was when it happened.
I have scars on my feet, ankles, legs, and knees from various sports, activities, and stupid stunts i've done.
I have scars on my arms and hands from the same things.
I have scars that are not noticeable unless I point them out, but then I have ones like the one on my leg that are blatantly obvious.
I also have scars on my hand and wrist that, although sort of obvious, I purposely try to hide and not draw attention to.
Why do I try not to draw attention to these scars?
I try to avoid drawing attention to them because they were not caused in any way by an accident.
They are there due to acts that were done on purpose.
They are physical signs of pain, hurt, and rejection I was feeling.
They are signs of weakness that I couldn't hold in anymore but didn't know how else to express.
They are marks that show my moments of succumbing to temptation.
These scars cannot be erased either.
They are permanent marks that are evidence of my weak, human state.
They are evidence of times that I gave up hope.
They are signs of utter despair and depression.

There is also another side that they display.
They show where God has brought me from.
They show me, as well as others, what I have overcome and survived.
They are signs of strength, courage, and determination.
They are reminders to myself that even in weakness I am strong through Jesus.
Though the world may judge me because of them, God loves me despite them.
Although many tears flowed when they were caused and many since then, there is joy because I am no longer caught by the lies that told me to cause them in the first place.
Though there is still pain in my life, I no longer have any desire to express it this way.
They are signs that I have hope in my Lord Jesus Christ.

I could go on and on with a list of scars that I have inwardly.
Brought upon by heartache, pain, sorrow, hurt, lies, anger, bitterness, broken promises, rejection, confusion, and so much, much more.
These scars cut deep and they resonate within me.
They are being healed by the Great Healer.
However, there are times when those scars bring back memories and emotions that physically upset me.
They tear me apart inside at times.
One comment or remark, a song, a quote, a magazine article, or a post on Tumblr.
These have all caused those memories and emotions to surface.
I am falling apart inside because of them, but I give them to God.
He is working to help me get past them and to heal them.
There are good things that can come from them, even if it may not seem so.

Though society, including friends and family, may view all of my scars as imperfections, God doesn't.
I feel like God was most likely just sad when He saw what was causing the scars.
I feel like that deeply hurt Him.
Yet He sees them not as imperfections detracting from my beauty, but rather as merely marks of my past that show how far He has brought me.
He sees me as beautiful in Him regardless of the scars.
Whether outward or inward, accidental or on purpose.
They are not imperfections in the eyes of the Father.
God looks at the heart not at the physical body or outward appearance.
So my scars are not anything to be ashamed of as long as I have asked for help and for forgiveness for those that were caused intentionally.
God has already healed me on numerous levels and He is working continuously.
I may not be blemish free and I will never be perfect.
But I am perfectly imperfect through His love and I have no problem with that.
I rejoice in my victory through God!

Blown Away

Well...life has been like a whirlwind the last month or so. 

It seems like there is always something new going on and it keeps me busy.

Here's a quick recap...

I finished up all of my classes and took my finals the last week of April/first week of May.

I decided to stay in Bourbonnais for the summer.

I'm working with the Physical Plant here at Olivet as a Custodian.

I got an interview to work the Bears Training Camp but had to decline since I accepted the other position first.

My roommate for Block 1 is 22yrs old and doesn't clean up after herself (not a highlight...).

I will be rooming by myself for Block 2 and for Block 3 I will be rooming with the lovely Sarah High.

Celebrate Life!

I found out I get to go to Hastings and then St. Louis for family reunion for a whole week in July. (40 family members and two houses...this is gonna be fun!!)

I also found out i'm working for Cody Overocker's mom. (Surprise!!)

So that is a quick recap of the major parts of the last month.

I finished my second week of work on Friday by working overtime that night for 4 1/2 hours. I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of working that night, but it's time and a half so i'm not complaining

about the money I will be getting because of it!!

Oh, I also am officially down to a size 7 pant. Who said you only gain weight your freshman year of college?? The "Freshman 15" is not as prominent as you may think. It did make my day that I lost weight this year  and some of my friends did as well. However, there were a lot that gained weight, some more than the dreaded 15. 

I also must admit that Illinois weather during the summer is weird. It's going to take some getting used to. I miss the summer storms that we got back home on a regular basis.

I'm going to take a minute here to share a little about the current roommate situation.

I ended up agreeing to room with Sarah for the summer, however, unbeknownst to me there was someone who had been living in this apartment for the school year and opted to stay here for the short time she was staying for the summer. I didn't find this out until two days before I was set to move some of my things in. She told the RD that the apartment was move in ready. Little needs 

to be said other than it wasn't. I have found out over the last two weeks that she doesn't pick up after herself, yet she continuously reminds me about how mature she is for someone who is 22.

I have to disagree. Strongly.

I work custodial 8hrs every day and then I come back and the apartment is a complete mess. Why? Because this girl gets things out or makes food and then doesn't put things away or clean up the cooking mess. It is a half hour to an hour cleaning process just to clean the kitchen to the point of being able to make anything for myself to eat for a meal. It's ridiculous.

I have decided that this is a great chance for me to strengthen my ability to be patient in all situations. My friend Chris gave me a passage of scripture to encourage me about the fact that this is short term and that God has things under control. There is a good chance that a lesson will come out of all of this. I may not be sure what it is, but He knows and that is all that matters.

Well, now that I have spilled my thoughts real quick i'm going to work on some other things for a little while this afternoon. 

OH!! Also, I cannot wait for church next week!! We're having church at Perry Farms and then having a cookout afterwards! I'm just a little excited for this chance to get to know more 

of the people that I am currently going to church with!! It's a great opportunity

and I cannot wait to fully take advantage of it!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!