For a few weeks now, and in all honesty, this whole semester, I have really just been down. I feel like there is this constant cloud over my head and it just will not go away. I think it really hit hard around the second week of September. I couldn't figure out what was wrong for a while, so I just dealt with the slump and took it as it was. It just kept gnawing at me. I thought maybe I just wasn't getting enough, but after changing my sleeping schedule I didn't see any improvement. I tried changing my diet to no avail. I tried altering who I was spending my time around and once again there wasn't a change. I prayed about it, for either it to go away or for the reason behind it to be shown so I could work on it. Little did I know I was going to get slapped in the face with the reason just a few weeks later.
I started to talk with someone I follow on Tumblr (another blogging site for those who don't know). We've been following each other for a while so it made sense that we start talking. We talked for a couple weeks straight, pretty much day in and day out. We are like the same person so it's been fun getting to know him. However, things began getting deep much faster than I anticipated. In a matter of the first few days we were ridiculously close and the prospect of what would happen down the road came up. Suddenly I had a few realizations...1) he lives close to 14hrs away, 2) I signed a contract for work and can't start a relationship for at least the next 12 months, possibly more, and 3) I was suddenly much farther down than before. I felt like I had slammed face first into concrete. My mind was racing and I had a billion thoughts running through my head, few of them positive.
After some of the things he said I was getting hit with thoughts that made me feel so worthless that I couldn't find a single worthy thing without negating it with an unworthy one. His words and how he talked to me were far better than anyone, outside of my bestfriend, had ever spoke in regards to me. I felt like I didn't deserve that. None of the messed up, broken parts of me deserved that. If he knew what my past was like, he wouldn't be saying those things. I can't live up to those things. Some other girl deserves those words. I am far unworthy and undeserving of it all.
I was getting bombarded with these thoughts and many, many more like them. I was a big mess. I finally ended up grabbing lunch with my friend Bri one day after I texted her asking for her to pray for me. I ended up telling her the basics of this and she wholeheartedly disagreed with all of the above statements. She was adamant about telling me that I deserve it and so much more. That I do deserve a guy to treat me the way he was, not because I did anything to deserve it but because I am a daughter of the Heavenly Father and He wants me to have that and so much more. After I replied that I knew that a time or two, she proceeded to say something else. She said, "I know you know, but you don't believe it and that's the problem." ...Talk about being punched in the gut. I broke eye contact and awkwardly chuckled while looking at the table. It was all the confirmation she needed.
She was right. I know that I deserve it, I know it like the back of my hand, but I have a very hard time believing it. Not because I don't want to, because it is in fact quite the opposite. It just happens that I grew up believing that I wasn't worth it. Pretty much every guy looking back on my life has either told me directly or indirectly that I was not worthy, that I didn't measure up. All the way back to the one earthly man who should have reminded me that I was worthy of guy treating me well. But he didn't. My earthly father made it a point to remind me often that I wasn't good enough and that I would never be. I learned early on that men like to be in control and they often take advantage of it. They use this control in negative ways more often than not. Often this power is used to remind women/girls that they aren't worthy of being treated well or being respected. So I grew up with that mind set that I wasn't worthy. I still have a very, very hard time grasping that truth.
It tends to come through in other areas as well. The last couple weeks it has come out in regards to friendships and work. I always seem to be the second choice. I never quite measure up. I'm an after thought, rarely the first to cross anyone's mind. People deny it if I mention it but their actions say otherwise. I'm the one people go to when everyone else disappears or is too busy, the last resort. I never quite measure up to where everyone else is and it seems to be pointed out regularly. Or I exceed it and get pushed to the side because of it. I've just come to accept it. It is what it is.
I'm sorry for my little (or not so little) rant of sorts, but I needed to pit it somewhere. I really hope this doesn't come across as whining or complaining. I sincerely hope that is not the case. I'm just feeling low and like I'm stuck. I don't really know where to turn right now because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I just needed to write it down somewhere.
